Snapping at each other

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Snapping at each other
4
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 2:03pm
I'm feeling very bummbed today. My H and I have been real snappy at each other for the last month or so. Even when I make a concious effort, pick my wording carefully, etc, he still snaps at me or takes what I say wrong. We can't even seem to have a normal conversation without one of us getting defensive for no apparent reason. I'm trying to talk to him about it, but he doesn't want to talk much. He never treated me this way before and it's worrying me. Then I think that maybe I'm treating him different and causing him to react to me in this way. We have both been stressed...very stressed over some things in our lives. So I know that's part of it, but some of it seems real personal to me at this point. My H used to adore me and respect my opinions. Lately, he seems to think I'm some kind of joke. It's as if he deosn't know me at all anymore. I don't understand what I've done to cause him not to believe in me anymore. I'm working my butt off for us (he's been unemployed for almost 2 years now), I'm trying to be supportive of him, but he seems not to appriciate me like he once did. And now I have a distrust of him that I didn't have before and I'm trying to sort that out. There's been a few things that have happend lately that have really upset me.

Last week, I was checking my webmail for work at home and while typing my web mail address in the search bar, all these websites appeared in the drop box, you know, sites you've been before. Well, they were a bunch of porn sites, which doesn't surprise me or anything. I know he looks at porn, but he ususally clears the history so I don't have to see all that crap. But he forgot to from the previous day. Anyway, I sometimes like to check out these things too so I checked out some of the pages he loked at that day. Pretty standard stuff...just pics of girls..and just I cruised down the line of sites. There was a people serch he had done and when I check it out, I saw that he had searched for his ex-gf, the girl he was with before me. I immediately was hurt and angry and called him on his cell that minute. I don't sit around and fret...why should I? I just straight asked him why he was searching for his ex, particulally in the mist of looking at porn. He stammered a minute, claimed he didn't remember at first, then said he must have wanted to call and *itch her out (his words). I told him that sounded like BS to me (it's been over three years since they've been together...why still be mad after all this time, much less call her??) and that I didn't believe he didn't remember looking her up. See, he had been drinking with his buddy the day before, but I didin' think he was that hammered when I got home that afternoon. It was the next day when I check my email that I saw the history. Anyway, we hung up and when he came home, he came bearing gifts to say sorry for anything he'd done. We discussed it later that evening and I told him he wouldn't be so forgiving of me if he had discovered the same thing, but role reversal. He agreed. Why is it that he expects me to forgive him and forget, but he wouldn't be that 'understanding' of me? I'm still not sure what to think about the whole other than it's stupid and I don't want to think about it anymore. But I don't want to be blind either. This is just one example of how my trust for him has been dmamaged.

So I find myself questioning him more and second guessing him. I can't seem to help it. ANd this is what he said is bothering him lately...that he's tired of being second guessed. And it's true that's I've done that some, but definitly not all the time. He's getting upset for no reason too. I don't know, I'm just sad about it and not sure how to fis it. Sorry I've rambled. Any advice is appreciated. THanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:56pm
Usually when things start to go sour like that, one of the two have something to hide or have done something and starts to turn the tables around to make the other think that they are the problem. It sounds like you guys need to sit down and clear the air.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:05pm
I agree with the first reply. You both need to sit down and talk this out. You say he's un-employed and I'm not sure why he is- but it sounds like you've been supporting him. Maybe he feels threatend by this, and is taking a negative reaction to this. I'm not really sure. But, I believe that this problem can be solved through communication.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:05pm
Thanks for responding to my post. It's been a few days since I wrote that. My H and I have talked some since then and I feel a little better about some things. I've decided to take some control of my own emotions so I'm less stressed than I was. I don't think my H is cheating and I know he never contacted his ex. He was just curious, I guess. But even still, I don't like it and I told him so. The thing is that I have to remind myself that if he wanted to cheat, he would and he could. Same goes for me. He's certainly had the opportunity. But I know he loves me. And if I truly doubt him, I should leave....why stay with someone you don't trust, right? Anyway, thanks again for at least responding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:11pm
I don't want to go into why he's unemployed (it's along story), but he's currently looking for work. I expect him to be back at work ASAP. I know his pride has been hurt and he's felt less of a man for not being able to support us. And I've been patient. But now that he can get a job, perhaps he senses that my patience has run out. Maybe it is me who's been snappy. The ex-gf thing is just stupid...I'm not really concerned about it anymore. But he definitly needs to get back to work to feel better about himself and for me to continue to respect him. Thanks for the reply. THere is truth in what you say.