Sneaking behind my back... and the lies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sneaking behind my back... and the lies!
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 11:06am

I am having a difficult time dealing with an issue that has left me very distraught and depressed. My head is spinning, my stomach is sick and I really need some advice.

Two weeks before our 9th wedding anniversary, I came accross a photo that had been downloaded onto our computer. The picture was of a pretty woman, fully clothed and not distasteful, however, sexy and alluring. As I found out, it was a current picture of my husband's ex girlfriend of 4 years when they were in school (we are all 38 now). His mother told me that he had got her pregnant twice at the age of 14 and paid for abortions.

When my husband got home from work that day, I asked him if he knew about the photo. He told me it was an old friend of his that he had run into during lunch one day. He couldn't answer why she would have to email him a photo if they had just run into each other (lie #1). So then his story changed. He had been carrying her business card around in his wallet for the last 11 years and recently found it (true, it was in his wallet in her maiden name). They had got together 11 years ago when my husband's first marriage ended in divorce. She was engaged to another man at the time so they could't start a relationship, but she still was there to comfort him, whatever that means.

His next version was that he had called her at her old work number and she answered the phone (she has worked for her mother's business since out of school). He told me she was married and has a little boy(lie #2 - divorced in 97), where her parents live and that they have only communicated twice by his cell phone and some email. Well, since he works in construction for his parents, I requested a copy of his cell phone records from them. His dad wouldn't let me have it, but his mother knew I had to know what was going on and she gave it to me. It revealed at least 8 calls he had made to her in a two week period. Unfortunately, the bill only reflects the outgoing calls, not the incomming.

The emails between them were all permanetly deleted, except for one. At 6:00am a couple of mornings after all this came out, he emailed her "What the _ _ _ _ is going on....? It sure seems to me that he made it look like I sent her that question, but he denied that too(lie #3). His cell phone records prove that he called her later that same morning, and I would bet some cold hard cash that I was made out as a jealous wife that would not allow him to speak with her. He told me that at the beginning of his first call to her, he had asked her if it was wrong for him to have called her, that it felt wrong, and she talked him out of feeling guilty. Of course she did, she's single and wanting some maintenance I'm sure. He was so worried, asking me if I had called her, emailed her or went by her work to speak with her. I told him I didn't have to converse with her, that he initiated this and as my husband, I expected him to talk with me about it truthfully.

One of my concerns with this is that since he works for mommy and daddy, he can pretty much come and go as he pleases. On the following Saturday, he calls and invites me and our 8 year old son to the job site for lunch. When we got there, he sent me to the store for ice. I drove his truck and he keeps his wallet in the console. I opened the wallet and found her old business card with her home phone number updated and a copy of the picture he had downloaded all cut out and neatly folded. I flipped out into tears and couldn't believe this was true. I drove back to the job site and confronted him alone with the evidence in hand. He ended up threatening me to lay off the questions or he would go do what he was being accused of. I collected our son and drove home. I looked up her home address on Mapquest and low and behold, he had already looked it up himself at some point, not the physical address, but the nearest cross streets.

There are so many unanswered questions and lies that haunt my brain. Red Flags flying high left and right that I cannot ignore. He assures me nothing has happened, and maybe I did catch him before it went that far, but he opened that door, then lied, threatened and wanted to protect her from questions. What about me? Where am I to get the truthful answers that I need to get past this? What would make him contact her after all this time and so close to our anniversary? Why? Although I have not found any further contact between them, I cannot move forward. I've been to my doctor and to a therapist, but I'm not getting over this. My life is upside down, I'm physically sick and mentally wasted. My closest family is 1000 miles away. I need some advice and wisdom. Can someone please help me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:54pm
You're husband sounds like he's living out some "high school" romance. It sound's to me like he still must have some feeling's for this lady. Having 'Knocked " her up twice, might weigh very heavy on some people's mind, and to do it twice.....why did they break it off?

If he refuse's to be honest with you, and you catch him in lies, I would have to say that he's already making himself available to her. The calls, the photo, and the map to her house, seem's to me he wants to plan a get together but he's not very good at covering up his tracks. He got caught, and now he's telling you if you don't stop nagging him, he's going to go and do what you're acusing him of? He's going to use that as an excuse, instead of blaming himself he's going to blame you, so that you look like that nagging wife and he's the Marter. I would have to tell him to cut the f***ing crap, pack his bags and get out.

#1. you can't make someone stay if they don't want to.

#2. you've already caught him in a handful of lies

#3. He has called her and mapped out directions to her house.

#4. He doesn't even concider your feelings, let alone how this will effect his son

#5. he's blaming you for it!!

I would have to tell him to get out. Why stay married to a man who's going to be dishonest and decieving towards you. And he might be after her for yrs. Do you want to live with that feeling " is he cheating, is he telling me the truth"? And every other nagging question that would make your head spin? Sweetie, he's no good for you, let him have her if that's what he wants, but don't let him have his cake and eat it too. If you do that, you're letting him treat you that way, and by not being a strong, inderpendant woman, you deserve it. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but a lot of women complain about their man's infedelity, yet they stay and allow him treat them this way time and time again because they love him, then they deserve it for not leaving and letting the man treat them like crap. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:49am
I agree.

Even if he hasn't cheated yet, it's just a matter of time.