SNOOPING HAS LEFTED ME DEVASTATED

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
SNOOPING HAS LEFTED ME DEVASTATED
8
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 5:56pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months we are living together and everything was fine until I started snooping. I found that he has pictures of exes some of them nudes. I feel like the should get rid of all his past attachments out of respect for me.. He says that they don't mean anything that they are just memories from his past and doesn't have anything to do with us. He also meet someone online, I called her and she said that they are just friends and he told her about me.. but it makes me angry and I feel hurt and I can't seem to get pass this.. It has affected our relationship to a point that everytime he's on his phone or computer I am freaking out.. I don't know what to do, he says he loves me but I can I believe him.. Is it also normal to still love other exes. He told me that they is one ex that he still loves, he says hes not in love with her, hes inlove with me, but shouldn't you be inlove with JUSTone person. I love him and only him and I feel like I'm second choice, PLEASE HELP ME...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 6:29pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 8:22pm
Yes, you are right. These things are inappropriate about your boyfriend. You have told him how you feel about this, but he's going to do what he thinks is right for himself. You can only do what you think is right for yourself.
To be in love with someone is different than to love someone. I don't know what your boyfriend means when he says that he loves one of his exes...would he go back to her if she called, does he have unresolved feelings with her or is he just fond of her and that time they had together. We can't know these things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 8:58pm

Welcome to the board sweetdreams1216,


Reading material for your to consider:


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs by Nailah Shami


Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess up Their Relationships, by Laura Schlessinger


If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Carl G. Hindy


Did I read this correction: He told me that they is one ex that he still loves, he says hes not in love with her, hes inlove with me, but shouldn't you be inlove with JUSTone person.


He's not In Love with her if I read what you typed correctly, but feels love for her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 7:01am
HE SAID HE DOESN'T TRUST HIMSELF TO ALONE WITH HER, SHE LIVES IN CHICAGO AND HE HASN'T SEEN HER IN TWO YEARS.. I WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE AGAIN, HE SENT A TEXT LAST NIGHT TO ONE OF HIS FRIENDS, IT SAID I WILL BE DREAMING OF YOU TONIGHT, HUGS AND KISSES, WHEN I CONFRONT HIM HE SAID HE DOESN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, BUT I DO
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 12:21pm

Sounds like the two of you have different ideas about what behavior is acceptable and what's not.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 12:43pm

There are many fine points here. So far it doesn't sound as though your boyfriend is actually involved in any infidelity or even emotional cheating. Although it's not the best that he has communicated with a woman online, it's good that he told her about you. In different relationships various partners have needs for friendships outside the relationship. These are not sexual relationships, but friendships. Of course it's common to have friendships with those of the same sex, but can become upsetting when it's someone of the opposite sex. It depends upon how both partners feel about it. If this is too upsetting for you, you must set boundaries and let him know what you can and cannot tolerate. For him to keep pictures of his ex's is normal, but again, nude pictures can certainly stir up feelings in you and are something else again. Some women could tolerate and accept this, others not. You have to be true to yourself, see what makes you feel safe, loved and respected and let him know. If he is able to live happily that way, fine. If he feels he cannot, then perhaps the two of you are ultimately not well suited. Although sexual feelings in a relationship are kept for just one person, we all must love many people. A relationship is not a prison where you can care about only one other person the rest of your life. So, loving and caring for others is normal. Having friends is healthy. Keeping sexual and romantic feelings only for your partner is best. All of this has to be worked out together.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 12:46pm
So what are you still doing there? Do you want him to admit he's emotionally cheating? Do you want him to change? What's going to happen when that doesn't happen and you can't validated?
You have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. He's not looking out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 5:05pm

"I WILL BE DREAMING OF YOU TONIGHT, HUGS AND KISSES,"


why do you not see this as a cue to leave him?