So Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
So Confused
1
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 7:33pm
I have been married 13 years to a wonderful and caring man. The problem is the "bedroom" over the years I have always had to reach out to him - he has some intimacy issues which to this day I don't exactly understand. I have tried talking to him and writing him letters over the years but nothing seems to change. Well about 8 months ago (after being rejected by him) I had said that I am closing the door on that part of our relationship because I was tired of being rejected. Well, I guess the "Affair Gods" must have heard me and sure enough a man who is over 10 years younger than me (I'm in my forties) began making advances at me - eventually I gave in and I have been involved with him for the past few months. Now I really don't know what to do I can't imagine my life without my husband but this other man has touched me in ways and places that my husband never has.....I don't know what to do with all the feelings this situation has caused to surface.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: zeehonee
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:19pm

honey - i have been in your shoes - except for having an affair - but i was married for 7 years to a man who has severe sexual/intimacy issues (among many other issues). so i know what you feel like - and I know how difficult it is to live with a man like that


I also must say, that after trying to talk to my ex (while we married) and going to therapy - i realized that while HE had the sexual issues - *I* was the one who was willing to *put up with it* for all that time, *I* was the one who was willing to overlook all the other issues "just to be married" and i reallized that *I* myself also had issues that i needed to deal with. so i did - i dealt with my issues. and realized that my husband was NOT a wonderful person after all - he was a very very very mean, and selfish, self centered man. if he WAS a wonderful man - he would've dealt with his issues, he wouldn't have wanted to lose his family over this. and that is what i am saying to you - your husband HAS TO deal with these issues. it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to you and to the marriage.


You understand that having an affair - while i'm sure it helped you emotionally and sexually - is not the answer. deal with your marriage - either break it up, or fix it - but don't add complications of affairs....