so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
so confused
14
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:46pm
Ok ive been with my boyfriend for two years now, the problem is that he had an female admirer at work who sent him a valentines card even though he never told me I found it and I wasn’t happy but I still didn’t make an issue since his an attractive guy im always expecting stuff like that however he told me he stopped talking to her etc recently a friend of his kept texting him and I read his texts which where not exactly what I expected they were all hey baby so I asked him he kept lying saying it wasn’t this girl but was his guy mate from work until I waked out on him he admitted it was her and that he didn’t tell me because I didn’t like her and knew I would react like this but didn’t believe him and so left for two weeks last night he gave me her number and said call and ask her she will tell you the truth and so I did only she told me they were a couple for six months and she didn’t have a clue who I was so then I told him and he said she was lying and told me to met him at work and we can talk it out, first I spoke to her as I couldn’t find him and she was still sticking to her story that they were a couples she then went and found him as I could get into the building, he came down and first she goes to him is that your cousin pointing at me and he said no then I said to him who am I and he goes to I know you and that’s it and I was so shocked he made me feel so small then she got angry and walked off and I jus left because I didn’t know what to say. He later called me and told me to meet him and I didn’t want to so he came to my flat where I spoke to him he told me he was joking around and didn’t realise I would react like that and he said before he could finish she walked away but I don’t know what to think or believe I made him call her of my phone and speak to her and tell her the truth only she answered the phone and said she didn’t want to speak to either one of us I don’t know what to make of the situation all I know is that his still trying to contact me and explain but im really confused please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:08pm
A period . now and then would have made your post easier to read..... anyway.

Hon, this guy is not only a jerk, but he's jerking you around. First, he's built a relationship with this woman - allowing her to text message him. He had to give her the number. He's lied to both of you. He loves the attention of this admirer. He LIKES the attention. Then he drags you to his work to 'discuss it' and he makes a JOKE out of it.

Dump him. Block his calls and email.

Then grieve for the loss, for everything you feel, what might have been, what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

Reading material:

When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward

Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding

Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher

Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella

I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:41pm
(giggling @Itwin, lol)

She is very very right though, dump him. Period. You can only believe all of this mess if you truly want to, because there is no WAY that he was joking. If he knew, as you say, that you were worried over him cheating with her, he would not have done something that cruel.And that is exactly what it was - it was cruel, TO BOTH OF YOU WOMEN! He didnt expect you to take him up on the offer of going to talk to her at work, thats exactly why he did that. He expected you to bat your eyes, push her physically to the side, and tell him, "I dont need to ask her, I believe everything that you tell me. It doesnt matter that she has her arms around you, I believe you." You didnt fall for it. YOU WERE SMART. So was she. He just thought this was going to be interesting with you two fighting over him. Yeah, he got his wish, didnt he? Now he wishes he hadnt done it.

Granted, I know you dont feel that you were smart, but hurt as it does, at least now that you know you arent being played for a fool. He had the best of everything and now he has nothing, because one person wasnt enough. Let him sit there and think on that and remember just how nicely things did go before he messed it up. You dont deserve to be hurt that way, treated that way, demeaned in that way.

I have to say that if he had done this to me, I would not be half as hurt after the initial shock as I was angry, and boiling angry at that. He has continuously lied to you over this. He didnt want forgiveness from you or love from her, he just wanted everything that he could get from the both of you. He insulted your intelligence, your heart, your self-esteem, and hers too.

I know that you can remember good qualities that he had, dont do that to yourself. You didnt do it, it was his being a lair and manipulative that did this. You did not 'cause him' to cheat. He just started liking the attention. So let him have all of it completely again, but not from you. Let him realize that he threw two years of his heart and yours down the drain and that it wont ever be gotten back. Like my father would say, "Who are you going to believe? Him or your own lying eyes? There is no excuse, it didnt JUST happen, he had to make the choice and now he has to deal with it. Unless you make it easy for him and forgive him so that he knows all that he has to do is to say sorry once its over and he can keep going.

Im so very sorry that he did this to you. This is something that is so truly hurtful and I hate that you have to go through it. But if you ever wanted to know if you were wasting your time, theres your answer. Now act on it and find someone next time who doesnt need the constant adoration of every woman to feel like a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:58pm
'I said to him who am I and he goes to I know you'

There is your proof that he has no intention of admitting to his other girlfriend that you are dating him.

Walk away and find someone who knows how to treat women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:52pm
me again look i know it sounds so bad and im not going to defend him but he spent 8 hours outside my flat last nite saying to me that cum back and we both go and see her and he will admit the truth to her and tell her to tell the truth his still shocked to wat she says honestly speakin i dont know im really confused because he wants me to go with him nd this time he will speak the so called truth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 7:51pm
sally, if he has been calling you, I have NO doubt that he's been doing the same to her too. This meeting that you are being put up to is going to be an orchestrated one. He HAD his chance to admit the truth, instead he looks at you and does what he did. That was awful.He can tell you the truth without her there going "Uh huh Uh huh" Why does he know she will even do it? BECAUSE he's been calling her. THINK about this sweetie.

He still isnt even admitting what is going on. How did she get his # and why does she call him baby. You saw it, you saw him react to it,with a lie, which means that he DID know who it was and he did know WHY they were calling him baby. And he turned his head and he lied to you. Wow.

What he should have done, if he didnt want both of you to continue would be to tell the truth. He's got her on a hook, you on a hook and he's praying to God that one of you bites so he can get you back in the boat. If you do, and he gets off with this little easy 'oh, youre devastated, Ok now I see I shouldnt have done it" its going to happen again. As one who has been there, let me warn you, even if you DO take him back, this wont be over for you for a LOOOOOOOONG time. We say we forgive when we are still trying to. They think that if you forgive you dont hurt, you go past it. That takes time. A LOT of time. It will be on your mind for years, you'll never forget it.

LMAO I could tell you what I did to payback this type of thing and you would be laughing so hard. LOL BUT Im not really proud of it. Needless to say he never cheated again. lol

Lets just put it this way, Randa gave him a bad bad bad week. :)

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:45pm
Here is my prediction:

He tells you that he wants you over her which may be true. He takes you to talk to her while he tells her that it is over with her and he wants you. She gets upset with him and calls him names asking why he promised her this and that, yadda, yadda. He tells you later that she is crazy and made up all that stuff and isn't he stupid for ever giving her the time of day but he was confused and this whole experience made him realize that you are so great for him.

You still have to live with the fact that he lied to you and cheated on you. But you rationalize it all telling yourself that he learned his lesson.

A couple of months down the road you see an email from her or another girl flirting heavily and you kick yourself for ever getting back together with him and come back here to post how men are jerks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:59pm
USE PUNCTUATION, DAMMIT!!!
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: i_sallysam
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 7:10am
1) Periods and commas are your friends. Please use them to seperate thoughts and ideas. Your posts are extremely difficult to read.

2) He is cheating on you. Its not even a question. Your only confusion should be over whether or not you want to stay with him.

3) A man staying outside your flat for eight hours isnt a sign of love. Its a sign of instability.

4) Please remember that if he will do it for you, he will do it to you. Its only a matter of time before he cheats with his girlfriend or some other woman and they will be showing up at YOUR door so he can set everything straight with his new lady.

4) You may want to review your own level of self esteem. Are you REALLY OK with a man who told his girlfriend that you are his cousin?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: i_sallysam
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 11:28am
sorry bout not using my typin skills not very good i know. Anyway do u people think its a good idea if i did speak to them both again and get the truth because rite now i feel stupid and i feel as though i was lying about our relationship wether me and him work it thru which i doubt, i just want the truth in front of both of them
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
In reply to: i_sallysam
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:53pm
He's having an affair and he's dealing with it by trying to confuse the heck out of both of you to distract you both from the real issue. He doesn't want to deal with the reality that he did something very wrong. He's desperately afraid of taking responsibility for his actions, and who wants someone like that! I am truly sorry and I hope that you can extract yourself from this confusing situation.

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