so confused!!
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so confused!!
| Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:22am |
Last night my boyfriend of 2.5. years decided we should go on a break. This came totally out of the blue, i no that the past two weeks have been a little rocky because of his job and my new job so we have had conflicting schedules and only saw eachother twice.. but i never thought that would have make him want a break with me. He said that he thinks we should take a break because the last couple weeks havent been good and he hasnt been happy and he just needs some time to figure some stuff out and decide if we should be friends or continue in a relationship. Im so confused. Two weeks ago hes talking about us moving in together and now he wants a break. Any suggestions would be great, im so lost for words right now.

Welcome to the board gal_friend,
I think it is important to figure out the rules of this break. Like how long does he want this to last, will you still see or talk to each other, will you be allowed to see other people doing this break, etc. If he says that he just needs sometime, than give that to him.
Sorry I couidn't be of more help. These things can be so confusing. I hope everything works out for you.
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Honestly, if you're in a committed relationship for 2.5 years, you both know eachother pretty well and should be able to work things out without one of you running away. In the real world, people aren't allowed to call for a Time Out and go on vacation when they are faced with difficulty.
Before you decide on whether a break is something you could agree to, the two of you need to talk about what went wrong. It can't simply be job stress! Talk about what has been going on over the last couple of months. Ask him (and ask yourself) whether this problem is a deal breaker, or whether the two of you can work through it.
If it's something that both of you can work through AND are willing to put the effort into it, then maybe a little break to gather your thoughts is a good idea. And when I say 'little', I mean a couple of weeks tops.
However, if he waffles and says 'I don't know' alot... well... you know that means he doesn't value you enough to try to make it work.
Hi, I'm kind of going through a similar situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been dating 11 months now. Right from the start, we said to each other that this was something different and acted that way. We would always make comments to each other about when we were married, etc. Plus, I did bring up the topic of engagement on our third date. At that time I stated that I think people really know each other well enough after 6months to 1 year of dating (at least at our ages: almost 30 and early 30s) to be able to figure out if that's the right person for them, i.e. whether to get engaged and spend their lives together. He agreed at this time. Therefore, I felt he knew my thoughts right from the start. Well, we both continued to talk about actually being married but anytime I brought up an engagement he'd always avoid the topic and say it was too early, etc. to talk about it. Back in February or so, he mentioned he thought he wasn't going to be ready by a year, stating that he had behaviors he displayed in his past marriage that he wanted to work on and correct before marrying me, because he didn't feel I deserved those things. Now, approx. 2 weeks ago I brought up the engagement again. (We had talked about it numerous times while being together and each time it seemed to land us up in an argument). He said he wasn't ready and went to see his therapist. I ended up getting upset because I thought he's been avoiding this for a long time now, though he talks about actually being married. We ended up getting into a blown-up argument about it that lasted for 6 days. It was better at times and worse and times. I finally said I didn't want to fight anymore and that I would jsut give him time to figure things out, i.e. that I wouldn't set a time frame for how long I would wait, but would decide when enough was enough in my head. Anyway, he basically said he needed time apart to think about this since he was angry we fought for 6 days about the topic. We started talking again and things seemed to be getting better; we were talking about some of the things that maybe needed working on, etc. (though he often seemed to say that it was things I was doing wrong, not really doing more than briefly touching on the things he was doing wrong). However, I wanted two things from him: to say we were back to being boyfriend & girlfriend again while we were working on things, and that I just wanted him to say he did want things to work out. He wasn't sure he could say those things so we got into it again. My brother and sister-in-law (who have been married 11 years) talked to him and suggested that we should take a break for a week or two. I'm not sure what to think about this. He seems like he doesn't want the relationship to end, but I'm so confused. He at some points says he's worried about getting married to me because I do this or that, or because we have fought (granted, I believe most of our fights have been related to the topic of engagement/marriage and when he seems to avoid these, about whether he loves me) and at other times says it's him. I ask him what is wrong with me, that I give him so much love and do so much for him and ask why he did so much to try to make his previous marriage work (he joined support groups, went to the same therapist, etc. and yet she didn't try). He states that he knows how I'm feeling (since he went through it with her) and feels like he's treating me like she treated him, acknowledging this isn't right and that I deserve better.
I don't know what to think. What will a week or two apart without talking or seeing do for us? Will it really help him to figure out what he thinks about me without me chasing him and constantly trying to make it work? He says he's angry about that fight lasting 6 days and needs to get over the anger, will this time apart really help that? How when we get back together will we be able to discuss things without getting upset (will the time apart cool us down enough)? Plus, do you think he wants this to work? He says he wants a wife and kids but isn't ready yet. Should I have just believed he wanted this to work (since he was sitting down and talking about things with me) rather than questioning him about whether he wanted it to.
I must share that other than this stuff the relationship has seemed really good, and he says this too. We do seem like best friends and lovers and have shared many personal triumphs and challenges with each other. I have dated a lot and truly loved him and really saw him as the man I've looked for.
Any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated. I want to give him this time if it will truly help, but am nervous it won't. I know noone has a crystal ball but I'm still nervous. Also, what should I do during this time apart? (Continue believing in him & us, start getting over him, what?)
This is what I hear from your message:
1. You love this man and want to make it work, but
2. He has repeatedly said that he's not ready for marriage right now.
It's pretty clear, unfortunately, that you're not going to get what you want from this relationship. Maybe it's true that he has 'issues' that he needs to work through... but they will probably take longer than a couple of weeks to sort through.
The truth is that you could be waiting a very, very long time for him to be ready to make a commitment. And even when that time comes, there's no guarantee that he will want to make that commitment to you! (Sure, he loves you and probably thinks that you COULD be the one - but then why all of this fighting?)
He says that he's treating you as badly as he had been treated by his ex-wife. Do you want to be on the short end of the stick with him for the foreseeable future?
The more you pressure him for a commitment, the more resistant he will become.
My suggestion to you is to break it off with him, but leave it open for the future. Tell him that you're not going to put your life on hold while he 'works through things'... and then say that you'd like to try to make it work in the future when he's gotten over his commitment issues (granted you are single at that time.)
Then go out and meet new people, girl! You're young and should be exploring and experiencing, rather than witing around for someone else to decide your future hapiness. There are men out there that would JUMP at the chance to be with you. So why are you staying with someone who points out your faults and cannot make up their mind?