So confused! Advice needed desperately!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
So confused! Advice needed desperately!
3
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:05am

I ran into an old friend online I use to date his brother like 12 years ago, he contacted me first. This happened three weeks ago and we have talked everyday since. I planned a trip to see my family, and he lives near there well he asked if he could see me, and at first I didn't know but then I agreed to it. He was very flirty with me, and would tell me things like how beautiful I am and things of that nature. I am married with 4 children at the starting of a divorce, and he has been divorced for 2 years and he has 2 children that he has custody of. He told me that he has always had a crush on me and I told him the same thing.

Well he would tell me things like, he wanted to see me, how beautiful I am and I started liking him allover again as things progressed through us talking and I told him this. Well he tells me that he is a take it day by day kind of guy and he just wanted a friendship, and then he would say things like if nothing ever comes out of this we would always be friends and then back to the whole lets just be friends thing.

But he made it out to be like he wanted to be more than friends by the things he would say to me. Well I decided to see him 2 weeks ago, and we have chemistry and alot of it. Well he kissed me and asked me what my intentions were with him, he kept telling me how beautiful I am and things like that. Well the next night we were suppose to go out, well he canceled saying he had to go watch fireworks with his kids that they were that night and not Wednesday night like he thought. so then he tells me we would go out wednesday night and then later on he calls me and said he would come up and see me that night, well he called back a few hours later and canceled well that upset me so I called him back and told him so. Well he said he would come up the next day but he sent me a text saying that my feelings were a little too strong and that until I get things sorted out it was best that we not see each other and he would call when he was home, well he never called and then he wouldn't answer my calls or my text messages.

So when I got back home I sent him a message saying that I didn't know what I had done but I wouldn't be bothering him anymore, if he wanted to talk that he knows where I am.
Well he sent me one back saying that he was afraid to call because he thought my feelings were strong for him, and he wrote I DO like you and I want to maybe see where things could go between us after you get your things there sorted out. And that he didn't want me to think that he was trying to take advantage of me that night. Which nothing happened. HE also said one of the reasons he didn't some see me is that he thought things would have went to that next level and he didn't want that to happen. And it wouldn't have on my end. And that I could call him or he would call me but make sure it was after seven. And he also said that when he saw me that he did like what he saw. Well he never called and I finally talked to him yesterday and he apologized for not calling he said he went to the beach and his phone went dead and now he is back to saying he just wants to be friends again and that he doesn't want a relationship right now and that we both have things to work on. And I didn't need to fall in love.

And he use to send me a text or an email or something everyday and now that has stopped too, it's only if I contact him first.

I sent him a message saying that I heard him loud and clear that he just wants to be friends and that I knew nothing could ever come out of this and that I was fine with that.

Well then he sends me a message back saying, um no, that is not what I meant. I mean that for now while you are still married that I just want to be friends and then when you get divorced and move up this way, I would like to try dating for a bit, I do not want you to move in right away or anything like that but once you get your life stable I wouldn't mind seeing where things could go between you and I. He said that he is taking his time with relationships now and let the pot simmer if you know what I mean.

So he still hasn't been making an effort to call me, unless I contact him first so I sent him another email trying to break whatever is going on off. And so he sent me an email back explaining why he hasn't called, he has been very busy at work and I am still married and he doesn't want to get me in trouble, because I still live with my soon to be ex for the time being. Until I get things situated. And I didn't answer the email and within 30 minutes of sending it, he sent me a text message to call him, so I did and he tells me Listen I like you alot and I want to see where things can go, please don't give up on me before we even get started and he said he would call me that night and he never did and of course he had an excuse for that too. So I sent him a message saying that I basically wouldn't be worrying about this anymore, and whatever happens, happens. So he sent me a message back saying when can I call you, and he called monday night and yesterday I heard nothing and so far today nothing.

So my question is, what is going on here? What does he want from me, and how should I handle this? I have already started falling for him and I do want to be with him but the other part of me is saying something is not right and let him go but I can't seem to think of anything other than him. And if he doesn't want me why doesn't he just let me go??

Thanks, Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:54am

Stay away from this guy. He told you he is a day-to-day kind of guy and he is acting like an hour-to-hour kind of guy.

You are probably very vulnerable right now with the divorce. Your kids need you to be focused on them now. Don't bring another man into the mix.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 3:22pm

First of all you are still married... Get divorced, work on yourself and your children.

To him you probably sound desperate... he has been up front with you and told you he is a day to day kind of guy, he has broken plans with you, you keep getting in contact with him,
You need to stop what you are doing, have a little self respect for yourself. Work on yourself, before you try to work on a relationship (and this should come after the divorce)

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 4:52pm

Instead of sending him constant messages telling him you're going to leave him alone, just leave him alone! If you no longer want to talk to him, just don't. When you force him to talk, he likely feels badly and tells you what you want to hear. Then he blows you off time and time again. And you've only seen this guy ONCE in person since 12 years ago! Knowing him 12 years ago through his brother does NOT mean anything. You don't know what he's like as a dating prospect - but you're not finding out. He's a flake.

You reeeeally need to let this go and focus on yourself and your children. It's very apparent that you are far too emotional right now to be talking to any other men. You already have yourself in a "relationship" with this guy in your head. I'm sure he's probably talking to many women, especially since he's admitted that "that he doesn't want a relationship right now".

Go about your business, focus on yourself and your children and get out and do things with friends. Don't contact this guy anymore but don't make any grand announcements that you're breaking things off.

If you absolutely *must* be friends with him, treat him like you would any other friend. I'm sure you don't expect your girlfriends to call and text you every single day.

Also, if you're going to be "friends", that means you should be able to tell each other about the people you're dating. Can you handle hearing about that from him? Can you handle meeting women he's dating? If not, then "friendship" is not an option right now either.

When your divorce is final and you're all settled in your new life, consider looking him up then. If it's meant to be "now", it'll be meant to be "then". But I hardly think someone who doesn't call when he says he will and constantly cancels on you is the man you're "meant to be" with.

Best of luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.