So confused! Desperate for advice!
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| Thu, 06-26-2008 - 4:35pm |
I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 6 years and we've technically been together since middle school (I'm 21 now). He's my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. We have certainly had our problems, but in the end our conflicts normally strengthen our relationship. We attend the same college and are very happy there, in fact we will be moving in this September. However, since we have come home for the summer I have been very resentful of him. I cannot take myself when I am around him. Sometimes we have an amazing time, but I cannot believe how mean I have been to him lately! I get so irritated with him when he does not spend time with me for family reasons or makes excuses for why he does not want do something I want to do. I know he is extremely close with his family, but it seems like he constantly HAS to be with them. This has always been a problem with him and he is trying to be more independent from them, but it never seems to work. They put a huge guilt trip on him when he does not spend time with them.
Now that we have been dating for awhile, I spend a lot of time with him and with his family. I find myself making excuses or canceling on family/friends or finding a way to incorporate him into my plans with family/friends. This has been going on since high school and it has gotten to the point where I feel like I have lost myself and am so dependent on him for my happiness. I know I am not completely happy, but I can't figure out if I am not happy with myself or I am not happy with my boyfriend/relationship. This sounds messed up, but I am mean to him and I get jealous when things go well for him!! I also can't shake the feeling that he would be fine if I broke up with him and I would be totally alone.
I cannot treat him with such disrespect anymore!! I am beginning to hate myself for being mean. Honestly, I wish I could just be happy for him and with him, but something is just not right...I do not know what to do! I have tried talking to him and he is more than willing to do anything in order to save our relationship. I wish I knew what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. My gut tells me that I need a change or something needs to change in our relationship so we can be happy again and I can stop being so resentful and mean to the one person I adore. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Welcome to the board cookies09,
I think the first thing you need to do is figure out how to get rid of this resentment you are feeling towards him. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?
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I have talked to him about the resentment. We tried to figure out what the underlying problem is and he suggested that he needed to change. I really don't agree with this, if anything I think I need to change since I am the one hurting him and I am the unhappy one in the relationship.
I have given our relationship a lot of thought lately and all I can really think of is that I resent the fact that he makes his family the priority after all these years together and I am pressured to do the same. If we marry, I will be expected to convert to his religion as well. As we get closer and get ready to move in, I feel like the one-sidedness of our relationship is causing me to fight with him more and more. He wants to get married in a couple of years, but right now I have a hard time believing that we will lead our own life that does not involve constantly involve his family or their ideals. I think the scariest part of all this is that although I seem to resent him for my need to be with him, I still find myself choosing to be with him over other people...
I try so hard to stop resenting him, but every time I drive to see him/cancel plans/attend yet another one of his family functions I am constantly reminded that I need him and that he does not need me nearly as much. I am so confused. I have tried to think of everything that could possibly be causing our problems. Maybe I am trying to sabotage our relationship so he will realize that I am not ok with our lifestyle now. I even thought about the idea that I am falling out of love with him and only staying in the relationship because we have been together so long! I still cannot function whenever I think we are going to break up. I can't sleep or eat or even fake being happy around my co-workers, family, friends, but I know something about the way I view our relationship is not healthy since I continue to resent him. Please help!!
I have been lurking around this board in the past few days, maybe hoping to find some answers for my own situation. And your post reminds me of the same way I'm feeling about my bf. When you feel resentful towards him, it's easy to think that you're falling out of love because you are in a state where hate is clouding your head. I also felt that I'm constantly making adjustments & I'm doing more for him than he does for me.
I have some suggestions & hopefully it works for you. I'm thinking if there is a way you guys can work out some criteria to decide which family functions or any kind of functions to attend. Then balance it out between you both. So you don't always have to cancel yours so that you can attend his. For example, a weekend dinner with an aunt is not as important as granny's 80 year old birthday. Also consider attending some of the functions alone, so that you don't have to miss out yours while he can attend his if both are important ones. And if you live close enough to everyone, is it possible to attend both of your functions together but you stay for a shorter time at each one?
HTH & best wishes to you :-)
Welcome to the board cookies09,
Here's some reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
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It sounds like you aren't happy about having to convert to his religion. Also that you aren't happy to have to spend time with his family. Have you told him this?
If you really don't want those things, and they are really important to him than perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you.
Maybe you also need to try to hobbies of your own and stop canceling other plans to be with you. It isn't fair to resent him for decisions that you are making (i.e. canceling plans do to things with him). You have to find a way to balance things.
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