so confused in need of help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
so confused in need of help
11
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 3:15pm
My fiance and i have been together for about 3 years... we for the most part have a great relationship with the odd argument here and there. We are getting married on October 1st... we have been engaged for about a year now and bought a house together just before we got engaged. I am usually the one with trust issues, coming from relationships where i always ended up hurt. Now in this relationship at the beginning i found out my fiance had lied about talking to his ex and of course that killed me and it took me what seemed like forever to get over... I didnt know i had it in me but i guess i do. I am completely over the hurt he has caused me and i trust him 100%.... recently i have expressed the desire to go out more with my friends as I am 22 years old, and my fiance is 29 with a daughter who calls me mom because she has never met her own... So I have been playing house at a very young age. Whenever I tell my fiance that i am going out on the weekend with girlfriends he tells me its ok and to have fun, but come the day im suposed to go out he acts cold and distant but still tells me its ok that i go... I think this is his way of playing mind games with me because he knows i wont go if he is upset. He gets very jealous because he claims that i am the prettiest girl hes ever been with and so on. I am a very trustworthy person and i have never done anything to hurt him and i have brought this up to him a million times. Recently he has expressed a STRONG desire to have a baby with me, I knew this was always something we wanted in the future once we were married, but this is something he wants now... Its a constant battle with him to use protection. When i asked him why the sudden urge to have a baby with me he said ''he would know forsure that he has me in his life forever''.... that really makes me feel unsure about this whole thing.. he never used to act like this, it was only once we got engaged his insecurity became worse... He was married before to his daughters mom, however it only lasted 2 months as he caught her sleeping with his best friend... from then on all of his girlfriends cheated. Now I have told him a million times I am not his ex girlfriends and I wouldnt do that to him... I think i have been pretty good to come into this kind of a relationship at my age and raise a 10yr old fulltime and not go out anymore which is something i used to do with my friends all the time. I feel lately like I am being smoothered and that I need some time away from the house... I love him to death and would never leave him, but I need my space... I have tryed to explain this to him and he claims that he doesnt ever want to be away from me or need space so he doesnt understand where im coming from. Its all becoming very frusterating... I want a child with him one day but does he only want one with me so I dont leave him??? Is he playing mind games with me to keep me at home all the time with him??? i dont know what I am suposed to do... I know many will suggest talking to him, but I can tell you I have tryed that 100 different ways and he always takes it the wrong way and nothing is gained from it. I love this man so much and dont get me wrong sometimes he is great but other times hes so insecure and I dont know what to do... I mean were getting married in 8 months, is he doing it for the right reasons and same goes for the baby????

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 6:16pm

Welcome to the board love_tbec,


Run from this guy if he won't go to premarital counseling with you now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 6:47pm

I agree. Its unfortunate that you've fallen in love with a passive aggressive control freak, sorry for the name calling but that's what he is. He's petty insecure and manipulative and it won't stop, when you get married.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 7:19pm
When you go out with your friends are you going to clubs or are youjust going out to dinner?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 9:22am

Yes when we go out my girlfriends and I like to go out dancing! However we live in a small town so we dont really consider where we go to be a 'club'. Now I grew up

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 12:29pm

Hi love...


This is not a healthy relationship or partner. I am 26 and in everything I have learned about relationships, the one most important one is that you have to still be independent and still go out with your girlfriends to dance, go to the gym, go tanning, or whatever it is that keeps you happy with yourself and keeps you healthy. Your fiancee is trying to make you feel bad for doing those things for yourself because he is so insecure. I am not married, but I can tell you that if you walk down that aisle with him, this issue with be 10 times as bad after you are married. He wants to have a baby with you because he thinks that is the way to keep you in his life forever.


I have no doubt that he loves you and you are happy together, but there are some HUGE red flags here and if you marry him, it will only get worse. I am so sorry, but that is the truth. He needs help. He needs to learn to support your independence and not be so desperate to only have you to himself.


I am so sorry, but if he won't go to couseling, you need to leave or your life will get worse with him. You are so young, you are supposed to be enjoying your 20's and learning what you want in yourself and in a partner. This just isn't healthy. xoxo

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 12:34pm

::So I can understand him not wanting me to go there, I wont lie I wouldnt like it if he was either.


That should be a guide to your own behavior.


::But its when I do the little things, say for example I was going to the gym and tanning every night for 2 weeks, just to feel good for myself, and he got very upset and nearly cried telling me he missed me and didnt get to see me all week. Is this normal???


No it's not

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:05pm

From what you have described it sounds like the two of you have a different focus on the relationship: 1) you seem like you would like a guy to be a part of your life, but not your entire life and .. 2) he would like the relationship and you to be his entire life. Thus you are incompatible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 2:06pm
Excellent post sugarbaby_gal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 10:49am

I really dont want leaving him to be an option... Has anyone else had experience with someone like this?? And how can I handle it without leaving him?
I went out last night with some girlfriends, just to a restaurant for some martinis... I was gone from 6pm - 8pm for 2 hours, and when I got home he was sleeping.. He seemed to be fine once he woke up, just asked me how my night was. Perhaps my letting him know that I need to go out sometimes and that it doesnt mean I love him any less helped him see that it was ok.
I noticed it seems to be more of an issue if i say work two nights in a row and then my night off go out with friends... or if i am planning to go dancing.
Maybe I just need to learn to show him more affection, I thought what I was showing him was good enough... but this has all got to be coming from somewhere... because hes only been acting like this since we got engaged... before that he was ok.
Shouldnt I just be happy that the person im with loves me this much to always want to be with me... I mean he never gets mad at me and hes never mean to me... he gets upset instead.
Is there something I can do without taking him to councelling that could help the situation?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 12:10pm

love_tbec,


sugarbaby_gal pointed out a very important aspect of compatibility and I hope you spend some time exploring it, even talking to your guy about it.

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