So confused with nowhere to run

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
So confused with nowhere to run
2
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 2:31pm
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting on the board. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and counting. I am a college student as well as he is and we intend on getting married once we both graduate. We love each other so much, yet we have problems.

My boyfriend is very critical of himself. He's 22 and a 5th year student who will graduate with me in the spring of 2006 (I am a 3rd year student). Before we met, he wasn't exactly the hard worker he is today. He didn't get the required minimum grade in a few classes designated for our major, so he can't move on to the next level until he gets better grades in these classes. He's been very disillusioned with the fact that he will be at college for 6 years and feels like a major failure. Unfortunately, whenever I try to help him with the classes and other things, he gets very frustrated, especially when he makes a mistake, and he thinks that I think he's a failure. I absolutely do not think he's a failure, and when I tell him that I have faith in him, he tells me not to placate him.

He has such a self-defeatist attitude. Every time he gets pissy and takes it out on me, he eventually apologizes, but I feel like it's not enough. I don't have enough assertiveness to tell him how I really feel: that I'm starting to get tired of this attitude and being thrown around and I want him to change. If I do that, he'll probably say something like "Oh, you can find someone better than me." I'm so frustrated, I'm trying my best to be supportive and it's backfiring on me. I feel like there's no hope.

Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:21pm
I've been there, done that - not in a college/tutor setting, but in a relationship where I thought my BF "needed" my help. He also had the general attitude that everything sucked in his life, but he wouldn't make the effort to make things better for himself. He complained constantly and it drove me nuts. I stopped respecting him and moved on, but only after knocking myself out to help him get a better job, bolstering his ego, checking the want ads so he could find a better place to live, and on and on. He never followed through on any effort I made, and that should not have surprised me. I'll never play that role for any guy ever again.

The difference between my ex BF and your BF is that mine was in his 40s and yours is in his 20s. There's still hope for him. But first, you have to realize that he must create his own successes without any "help" from you - he will only resent you and feel like less of a man if his GF tutors him. That puts you in the role of teacher, the wiser one, the more together, accomplished, superior partner in the relationship and he gets pissy with you as a result. If he needs help with his classes, he must find a tutor on his own, prioritize his time better, and study harder. You should tell him that and tell him that you are stopping the "help". The only support you should give him regarding this is to allow him the time to concentrate on his studies, which means you'll have to be tolerant with him spending less time with you for dates, etc. If he doesn't get his act together, and continues to wallow in self-pity then he's not a good bet for marriage because then you'll be the responsible one taking care of EVERYTHING all by yourself and you'll end up hating him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:23pm
agenti...

Pianoguy wonders if your b/f is overwhelmed by the "unofficial marriage engagement" you've indicated. If you haven't set a specific wedding date...GREAT!

Drop the entire idea of becoming a couple right now!!!! LOOK...

Neither one of you has lived in the real world yet! [Sorry college students...but the 4 or more years you spend attending classes and attending drunken fraternity/sorority bashes ISN'T EQUIVILENT to paying a mortgage, working a double shift, or taking care of a sick child)! So what's wrong with You and Your B/F agreeing to give yourselves a year to pursue your respective careers AFTER GRADUATION? Doesn't mean you have to be completely separated from each other. However, the man you're looking for in a husband...ISN'T the man you're currently dating!

Until your b/f has had enough time to find his independence---as well as adjust and accept his flaws---he'll continue to take out his frustrations on you and the people around him!

It's NOT EXACTLY A GREAT WAY to begin a married life together, is it?

So don't even think of entertaining the idea of marriage for at least for a year? See if there are any positive changes (and improvements) for each of you in mid-September of 2005. Perhaps each of you will have grown up a little and reach a better understanding by then?

Here's hoping????

Pianoguy