So Confused! Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
So Confused! Please Help!
3
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:05am
I could really use some advice so if anybody could help me out that would be really great. Here is my story, sorry if it's a little long: My bf and I have been together 15months and have lived together for the past 9months. Our relationship started out great, we both had lived at home and then last October we decided to move in together. He wasn't working at the time when I met him, but had gotten a job right b4 we moved in. We had a pretty good sex life b4 we moved in together but then once we lived together it slowed way down. A few months later I had found him talking on the internet to girls and one of his ex co-workers who he use to have the hots for. When I confronted him about it he tried denying it and then said it was nothing, just boredom and something to do. A few weeks after that I had starting getting even more suspicious of him cheating so I started snooping through his phone and looking on the computer. On the computer I got a hold of his email and found naked pictures of his ex co-worker. I got really upset about it and so I decided to pretend I was him on his IM and found out he was talking to a couple different girls including his ex co-worker and he basically told her that if he wasn't with me he would be with her. In his phone I found a girls number and when I asked him about that and the computer stuff, he totally tried denying it, even though I had proof. He works for a cell phone company and it makes me really nervous because he's always talking to young girls all day. He finally admitted some of the stuff. He never did anything with the girls, but that wasn't the point to me. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and wants to get married(he's even asked me to marry him). I decided to forgive him and he promised things would be different. But really things haven't changed that much since then. We still are not very intimate, every time I try to initiate anything he pushes me away or comes up with some excuse. He doesn't make anything at his job so I pay most of the bills and I feel like I put more into the relationship then I get out of it. I love him more than anything and he does a lot of good things for me. We fight all the time now and it's just so fustrating. I feel like he may be cheating on me but if he is he's really careful about it and I don't know how else to catch him. We don't have the internet anymore and he keeps so guard on his phone and probably erases stuff before he comes home. I just don't know what to do. Is this just him being unhappy with himself and thats why things are bad, is it me? What should I do? Im a attractive young girl and Im just so confused right now, I want to be with him and love him so much I just don't think things are fair. Please Help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 2:23pm
How sad for you, there are so many red-flags in your description of your situation, yet they are clear.

Don't deny what you know to be the truth of the situation. Sure, he may feel bad about himself (unhappy with his life) but that's NO EXCUSE for building relationships with other women, online or otherwise for an ego boost. He likes their attention. The internet may be gone, but the way he keeps his phone close to him is not a good sign.

So the short version:

1) builds relationships with other women

2) hides his phone

3) rec'd nude pics of former coworker

4) you pay for everything

5) he IMed - and he basically told her that if he wasn't with me he would be with her.

At this point I would have taken myself out of the equation and told him, your wish is granted and walked away.

He has betrayed your trust and is doing nothing to rebuild it - like going to couple's counseling and working out the issues (his issues) that made him want to act out his fantasies while 'bored'. His values, moral, etc dictate his choices. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

6) less sex than before - he pushes you away and makes excuses - bedroom (sex) problems reflect problems in the relationship.

::Is this just him being unhappy with himself and thats why things are bad, is it me? What should I do?

It's NOT you. He's not willing to look at himself, his issues, his behavior and acknowledge what he has done to contribute to the breakdown in the relationship between the two of you. So what should you do? Approach him about going to couple's counseling - if he says no. Walk away. He's not going to change and he's doing nothing to help the situation. I know you hurt and you don't want it to be over with, but from where I sit, to me, it looks like he's using you, he's become comfortable, and isn't putting in any effort into the relationship.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:07pm
I totally agree. He is using you to pay the bills and gets his kicks somewhere else. If you pay the bills wouldn't you want to be with someone who desires you and considers you an equal?



Apologizing and asking you to marry him just keeps you paying the bills longer and gives him more time till he finds someone else to fall for his game.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:49pm
I agree.

To the original poster- why do you think you deserve this? Why forgive this horrible, confused, ill behavior?

This is not a man who is marriage material or even roommate material.