SO has moved out temporarily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
SO has moved out temporarily
8
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 4:57am

My BF and I have been together only 4 months but moved in together 2 months ago. All was fine at the start but he has recently started withdrawing BIG time. No intimacy, not much sex, bad moods. He has chronic pain that has increased since we moved in and also his job has begun adding more pressure (could be a cover of something deeper? Not sure)

Last Sunday he came to me to tell me that he loves me but he simply cannot live with me anymore. I have 2 DD's that live with us and the 14yr old is giving him a bit of a hard time. He went to stay at his DD's house and I really haven't spoken to him since. I did have reason to call him yesterday and he sounded quite happy although I only stayed on the phone long enough to discuss the one thing I rang for.

I am trying to give him the space he has asked for. I have to have minor surgery tomorrow and thought he would come home in time to take me, but after speaking with my brother today and telling him the whole story he said that I have obviously been too needy. He told me just to text that I had made other arrangements and that he didn't have to worry about taking me.

I have no idea where his head is at right now. He said he would call me when he is ready to talk but I'm not sure how long to give it and when I do I have no idea what I should say to him. Also not sure if it makes any difference but he is 50 and I am 36.

Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 10:16am

Did he move into your hoouse, or did the two of you get a place together? In either case, you moved very swiftly, before you'd had a chance to get to know each other, and your daughters became involved because there was suddenly a strange man in their lives. Do you have a history of this kind of impulsive behavior?

I think your boyfriend got caught up in the passion and fantasy of your first weeks together, and is now coming down to earth. Give him as long as you want to get ready to talk--chances are, he's not planning to call you ever--and then call him to say that you're letting him go because you need to do some work on your own issues and insecurities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:21am

Welcome to the board lizinoz2005,


It could just be that you moved too fast in the relationship and now that you are getting the truly know the other person he is realizing that the relationship isn't going to work out. Or it could be that he has already raised his own children and doens't feel like he can handle helping raise any more children.


Text him to let him know you the surgery went well, and then let him make the next move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 8:27am

Turns out the nurse at the hospital called him right after surgery to let him know it went ok, as he was on my form as my de facto anyway.

He texted today asking me how I felt, he hoped I wasn't in any pain. I texted back that I was quite good and how was he doing? He replied that he was ok but had a touch of gastro and would call me next week & to take it easy. I replied I would and that I hoped he got better soon. He replied he will be ok and he will call soon.

I left it at that, so now I wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 8:30am

We got a house together as it was my brothers house and he & my sister in law needed someone to move in. I have never moved this fast in my entire life! In fact my girls hardly ever met anyone I was dating. This just felt so like the right thing.

Thanks for the feedback but just because I moved fast does not necessarily mean I have issues and insecurities. Thanks. Btw he did text me today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 10:21am

" . . . just because I moved fast does not necessarily mean I have issues and insecurities."

I agree--that's why I asked if you had a history of being impulsive. We all understand that feeling of "rightness" that accompanies the hormonal surge early in the relationship, but you involved your children in your brand new relationship, which indicates a certain level of lack of foresight about their needs and feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 10:42am

Though this may be difficult for you, you really need to put your children first. Moving in with a man you only knew for two months, and they could hardly have known at all is not good for the kids. No matter how good you may have felt about a relationship after only a month or two, it's just not a good idea. Then to complicate things with an unstable relationship almost as soon as you've moved in does even more harm to them. It creates anxiety, insecurity, resentment, fear, etc. It will forever impact their ability to have relationships and know what is healthy. I certainly hope you don't let him move back in and perpetuate this instability for your kids. Especially as young teens they need the best example you can provide about being strong, secure, safe, and stable. You may not have insecurities or issues, but this will create them in your children.

Please reconsider your idea that this is temporary. This man is obviously not the best influence for your children. That has to be more important than settling for a companion with the issues he has. Remember, you have seen the best of him, as people always have energy to put their best behavior out there the first 6 months. It will only get worse with this man, especially since he is as mature as he will ever be at 50. Don't make the mistake of perpetuating the relationship at the expense of your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:58pm
Yikes. The two of you moved really fast. He is just waking up and seeing reality now and realizing what is happening. It is no wonder that your daughter is giving him a hard time. She doesn't even understand what it going on. Make your kids a first priority and do what is best for them. You are their role model for relationships and everything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 11:55am

I'm glad to hear that your surgery went well. I agree with the previous posters that you did move rather swiftly, and he swiftly realized the situation was not ideal for him. It sounds like he is doing what's best for him, and so you need to decide what's best for YOU. Don't let your life hinge on his decisions.

As a side note, I am absolutely ASTONISHED at how many people hold conversations via text messaging. It's not real "communication" and tends to only create anxiety and miscommunication. I'm 26, too, and supposedly in the "text" generation...but I've never understood the appeal. I'd rather talk to someone via phone or one-on-one, and to me, if you have your cell phone on you, you can call rather than text.