S/O has no motivation/ambition

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
S/O has no motivation/ambition
9
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:26pm
This may get a bit winded so grab a cup of coffee and read on. Thank you ahead of time!!!!

Heres the problem, My s/o and I broke up may of 2003 and got back together may of 2004. During the breakup he got a DUI and his license was yanked for 2 yrs but eligile for a work permit after a year. I got back together with him knowing he was w/o a license and knowing he would be eligible this past July for a work permit but he has to pay a reinstatement fee of $700.00 first.

He had a job with this guy for about 2 months (this guy would pick him up and brimg him home)and during that time he never went and paid the fee. The guy claimed he could no longer afford to pay him so that was done, then he worked for a buddy of his on and off for a couple months, that ended. Now here we are. He has been doing some work for the company I work for when we need the help on the jobs so I bring him in with me and he jumps in a truck with another guy out to the job site. Problem is he only works a couple days a week and can't pay for his portion of the bills and on the days he doesn't work he does nothing at home and I mean nothing.

When I tell him he needs a job he tells ME to get HIM a full-time job where I work. Well I do believe thats his territory to talk to the owner not me. I feel he wants me to do everything for him, like his mom always did. I won't do that. He gets very defensive when I tell him we need the money for bills and he needs to get a job. I told him this morning he needed to get a job and his response was "I don't have a license" and I said "where theres a will theres a way". Then I told him to get the local paper and call these places tell them you don't have a license but he will when he gets $700.00 for a work permit, some poeple might be willing to work on that with him. He then says "Oh I have to get my ass on the bike and go get a paper". I just said "hey thats not my fault". He tries putting a guilt trip on me and tells me to quit rubbing it in, well I don't, I just want him to work and be productive. What do I do to get him moving and motivated to do something? I know people that have gotten dui's and they never had a problem with getting or keeping their jobs. They have taken busses and paid people gas money for the ride. I have no clue why he can't do that.

I have told him I cannot afford to support all of us. I really can't afford to live on my own where I at right now. What do I do? I can't get this man to get going. Help!! What can I say? What does anyone suggest? I am at the point of being angry, resentfull, and starting to look at him in a whole different light. (loser) I make a good living but I also provide for my 9 yr old son. So not alot of extra from my side. I would like to try something before I go throwing him out. Any suggestions will help!

Thanks All!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:00pm
So basically, and I hope you aren't offended, not only is he not motivated, he's having a pity party and expects you to carry the weight and responsibility of everything, including things that are clearly HIS responsibility. And everyone probably 'gets it' except him.

You may have to tell him if he can't pull his weight that the relationship may have to come to an end. Personally, I'd wonder if he got back with you, so you would carry him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:37pm
No, I'm not offended at all, I didn't look at that way "pitty party" I like that!! Does a very good job of explaining it.

I don't think he got back with me for that reason, because at that time he had a good paying job and the guy he was working with swore up and down even to me that there would be work thru the winter also. Then he turned around and said he couldn't afford to pay him anymore. ???

I just think he wants everyone to give everything to him on platter. He doesn't want to go out and get it he wants it brought to him. The way I feel about it is, Life is living him, he's not living life. How do you light a fire under someone's ass that is that way?

I always had to work hard for what I have, no one ever gave it to me.

Thanks for your response!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:53pm
Sadly I don't think you CAN motivate him. A situation like this requires motivation and effort on HIS side. It sounds like he pitties himself and wants you to also. HE got the DUI not you, and HE can't seem to keep a job, not you, so it's HIS responsibility. So why can't he get a job and ride his bike to work? It sounds like he's counting on you to support him and it also sounds like he isn't even trying to get a job to take care of himself let alone you and your child.

I'm wondering if things will even change once he get's his license. He seems pretty lazy at this point and the fact that his friend suddenly couldn't pay him sounds a little shady. You might want to think about if that was the REAL reason or if he was a bad worker, disrespectful, lazy...whatever you know? Your best bet is to get with someone who actually respects themselves as well as you and has ambition. You sound like a girl with a good head on her shoulders who cares about the people around her and wants to do anything to help. Right now though, you need to help yourself and your child and TRY to think about walking away from a person who...is just "there." Know what I mean?

I hope that helped. Good luck. Lindsay

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:25pm
I thought about that also (bad worker)then I went back to I think he was paying him alot ($20.00/hr)I guess to much for what he was doing. Then it could have been a combination of the both, I don't know?

You are so very right he does pitty himself and he gets mad because I don't pitty him. He is hiding behind a dui and trying to use it to his advantage.

Come to think of it, I just realized something, whenever he is in a "situation" he tries to get the "Oh poor Ron" "Everyone feel sorry for me".

When we broke up last time it was his choice but used to to his advantage. He told poeple I wouldn't let him play softball which was not the case at all. He managed to put himself in debt and figured I would throw him out anyways. ummmm. He didn't bother telling them that. I tried to put that and keep it in the past, but now its really coming back to haunt me. After hearing your responses it came back to mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:33pm
But - it is BECAUSE he has no motivation/ambitiion/self-discipline/self-responsibility/goal focus that he is dating you at all.

No other woman with self-respect and success as a goal would waste her time with an adult that she had to parent, coddle, enable, and suckle into a quasi-acceptable daily existence item in her life.

He's not like he is becuase of you...and he's not going to change how he is becuase of you either.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:02pm
I have read some of your other responses to other people on this board before I even posted and I came to a conclusion you are a very "BITTER" lady towards men in general. I would thank you for your opinion, but lack of respect for myself? C'mon its called human compassion. Where is yours? Some people aren't as cold hearted as yourself.

No need to respond. I would like to hear from people that have some compassion and want to truely help and not cut on someone else's problem no matter how badly YOU have been hurt or how poor YOUR judgements were.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:06pm
In your original message, you wrote that you wanted ideas to try before throwing him out. Here are some ideas: decide what the most pressing concerns are from the list that you gave (job, transportation, housework, bills). I'd level with him and tell him you are fast-approaching your witts end with how things have been going on. Follow that up by telling him what your limits/expectations are...in terms of wanting to continue the relationship.

I'd give him some choices: Do you want to evenly split the bills living here with me, or do you want to find somewhere else to live? Do you want to talk to the boss (at your company) about working full-time, or do you want to get a full-time job somewhere else? Do you prefer to take the bus or ride your bike to get to and from your job? Do you prefer cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen?

If he starts in with the "pity party," two can play that game. You can tell him how it feels to be in your shoes having to carry the weight for the household expenses and chores with little to no help from him. You can ask him what motivation he thinks you have to remain in a relationship in which you are giving and giving while he is taking and complaining. What use is he to you? How does he make your life better...maybe "reframe" things for his consideration.

If he complains about no license/DUI, I'd let him know that you can't help that because you did not make the choice to drive under the influence...he did. It's a bummer to have to live with consequences from his own choices. Now, he has the choice to dig in and work to turn it around or get out of your life.

Only you can decide what you will tolerate. He can't continue to treat you poorly if you don't stick around to take it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:36pm
That was a really good response! I had to print it off it was so good. I am reading a couple times before I get home cause I am going to tell him his options and if things don't change and wants to tell me only what he thinks I want to hear, with help from the other posts I received, he will be packing. I really appreciate all the advice I have gotten so far. It really has been helpfull. Jogged my memmory and gave me more ideas on how to handle the situation. Thats what I wanted to do (get ieads) before my last resort of telling him to leave. Atleast I can say I gave his a chance. All the responses gave me great ideas!!!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:39pm
Actually, I tend to think more like men, and interact more with them as an equal than anything else. My role models in personal "reconstruction" on an internal level were men - and I attribute that to my logical approach and goal focus - which is why women do have a harder time relating to me - the emotional aspect isn't as apparent or as prioritized.

However, I've been "him"...and here's the fact. Anybody that is using fault/blame=solution or exonerates me from finding a solution is a person living in fear, dread, anxiety, doubt, stress, tension and anger as a result of "their approach to life."

And people that enable and coddle them, excuse and provide for them - perpetuate that self-image, that self-fear and that self and other destruction.

It is the compassionate side of me that is simply pointing out that you cannot change him...he was like this per your posts following hte original post, when you first met and when you reunited.

So there is no reason to pity you for remaining with someone who "is like they want to be" and being that it is at your expense and effort - that is totally your option and decision.

But I really do "pity" him - and it'd be termed "tough like" that would have me telling him up front the following statement:

See how you resent her for being your provider, and you are angry at having to cater to her demands and always bein supervised. You're angry at that because it robs you of what you want - to be independent, self-sufficient, adn focused per your own standards and priorities. And there's an answer to that...step away from her, live within your means, define your own values and priorities and boundaries and live up to and within them at all times, set goals for yourself and become what you aspire to be. At that point - you might find that you two share values and priorities and goals and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it - in which case, reunite and you'll be equal partners. And if you find that you don't share interests, goals, values then you'll find someone else who does."

You see - you don't like, admire, respect and accept who he is now...and he doens't either. That's the only thing that you have in common primarily. YOu want him to be someone he's not - and you're willing to "help and enable" him to be what you want and need.

And he wants to be someone more successful, complete, independent, and secure that he is at the present also...only he takes what you offer and it keeps him where he is - instead of forcing himself to step away from the benefits and providership and become who he wants to be.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com