so lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
so lost
5
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 6:44pm

I need some help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
In reply to: drlngnik2006
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 7:50pm
You are going to have to get to know each other again and assess what you both want for your lives and want from a spouse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: drlngnik2006
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:25pm

Welcome to the board drlngnik2006,


Would he try going to counseling again with a different counselor since he didn't like the last one?


I don't blame you for being upset about him changing his mind about the baby issue. It isn't fair for him to be on board for 4 years and then change his mind right as you are supposed to start treatment. Have you talked any more about the issue, since you handle the finances and that was his excuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: drlngnik2006
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:48pm

Welcome to the board brlngnik2006,.


I know you are upset, but please, please do not have a baby with this guy.


::

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
In reply to: drlngnik2006
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 2:36pm

Thanks to everyone for responding.

Avatar for jcutter
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: drlngnik2006
Sat, 04-23-2011 - 3:02am

Wow, we need to talk. I haven't posted my book of a story here, but I was planning to. I put of having children because of my husband for 5 years. When I finally started trying in my late 20s, I had problems. He wanted to stop, so I stopped. I wasn't secure enough in my job. There were financial issues. I was too emotional. There was always a reason to shut me down. Then, I just put my foot down when I was 31. He refused to see a fertility doctor, then he found out his sperm was good and he was thrilled even though he has ED issues which were causing the whole dang problem. He denied me sex when I was ovulating. He "forgot" all the time during that period even though he loves having sex. He was not supportive and not interested in any sense. Then, he refused to cooperate with IUIs and he vowed he would never agree to adoption. I had recurrent miscarriages - alot of early ones and one late one. After the late one, he finally saw the light. He saw the ultrasound and the live human, not alien baby at 12 weeks and heard the heartbeat and something changed. When we went back and the baby was gone, he fell on the floor. But sadly, I was already dead inside. At some point, I had just carved out a hole inside and hid there. I began using him to get a baby at some point. I just dissociated from the marriage. I got pregnant shortly thereafter and had my two children only a year apart. But my feelings for him were decimated.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD due to "reproducive trauma" - it's seriously a disorder - from the recurrent miscarriages, baby loss, and then my son almost died during the delivery. In my mind, my husband is inextricably connected to this. We have been in marital counseling for a year. He is a great dad, a very loving father. But on my part, at this point, our marriage is toast. He invalidated a natural and normal part of marriage for years. Although I was the breadwinner in the family and supported him in many crazy things he wanted to do, he would not support me in having kids. Much worse, he used the feelings that his actions were causing (depression and anxiety) as reasons why we shouldn't have kids. I feel betrayed to the core.

I don't think he was being mean either. I think he was just really married to the idea of not growing up, and he was fighting me tooth and nail. He thought we would be better as two. Unfortunately, I think he may have destroyed our marriage. He is devastated that I feel this way. And I am trying, but I cannot seem to salvage my feelings for him. I am numb, devastated, and I have two kids now. That he didn't want but now loves. I am trying to stay in the marriage for my kids. Ironic, something that we swore would never happen to us. We were so in love for so long. And it wasn't kids, but this disagreement that killed us. Our kids have made us stronger.

I think we have done a travesty to men - they don't want to grow up and be accountable as adults. If you don't want kids, you need to say so before marriage. It's a dealbreaker. And half in and half out is not acceptable.

I don't know what to tell you about pursuing children. You may be damned if you do and damned if you don't in the marriage. But if he doesn't get on board with you soon, then it isn't going to go well - you will need so much support with this. I was lucky though that it worked out. Apparently, I still lost my mind. I think that it is so hard to have children with a man that doesn't want them, and having infertility on top of that is just awful. I seriously wanted to go get donor sperm and do it without him. Or find a handsome wicked smart good male friend and hand him a cup and grab a turkey baster like Melissa Etheridge supposedly did with her lesbian partner. :smileytongue:

I hope things work out for you, and you guys come to a resolution on this soon. And most of all, i wish you well with this personal journey wherever it leads you.