So Many Issues, So Little Reward

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
So Many Issues, So Little Reward
5
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:47am

Hello everyone. I could use a little insight if you have some to spare. Here's the background:

My husband, and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for 6, I'm 39, he's 46. This is a second marriage for both of us. Out of those 9 yrs together, we've lived in the same house at the same time for a combined total of 3.5 years. We are both theatre professionals and tour with various shows, but rarely together. He has had at least 2 emotional affairs, perhaps more, but he admits to two. I've forgiven him, but it's still hard to forget. He also is a serious chronic liar about everything--family, religion, history...everything. If he doesn't like the truth, he makes up a story. I don't trust anything he says until I check it out if it's important. If it's not, I just let him tell the story and go on my merry way knowing that it's probably not true.

Current issues:
1. We've both been home, working other jobs for about six months now and he wanted to go back out on tour, since I have a summer gig away from home. He didn't get the gig he wanted and is blaming my insecurity for his being stuck at home.

2. I don't trust him at all and he says this is very hurtful to him. I don't confront him when he lies and would never correct him. But I don't trust a word he says and doubt that I ever will. I'm not sure why he thinks he is the wronged party in this, but he does. I have never fussed about his lies, as I suspect he is unable to change.

3. We don't share anything--food, entertainment, finances, friends. This seems like a better arrangement because we are apart most of the time, but it makes it that much easier to imagine life without the difficulties of being married to him. I am very sad to admit that I am looking forward to my summer away. I have given up gigs to stay closer to him, and been very resentful (and hurt professionally). To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't given up any gigs for me, because I would never ask him to.

4. He says that I have built a wall around myself that he can't get through. It is true that I am very guarded, but I don't know how to break down a wall that has been built to protect from lies and affairs. I don't know if it's even a good idea to break it down.

5. He is also afraid that I will run away. Again, this is a legitimate fear, as I do have the tendancy to pack up and leave if a situation becomes unbearable. He is afraid that I won't come back from a gig or I'll just disappear. You know how for some people the best part of travel is the return home? I would be (and have been) very happy not coming home at all. Basic personality flaw, I guess.

6. I know the obvious solution is to put aside our careers and stay home, or move someplace where we can work without travel. There is enough local work for him usually, but not for me (he's a hand, I'm a stage manager). He will not leave our cultural backwater to go someplace like NY or Chicago where we can both work without touring. So I would have to give up my career to make that work. I have tried that, but the creative, vital part of me just dies. I've also offered to have him added to my crew whenever I can, but he doesn't want to work the kind of shows I do. (I prefer opera, he wants Broadways.)

In view of all of these issues, is this life worth the headache?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 6:12pm

To be honest, I don't see the lack of time together as being the thing that needs fixing. Even if you did move to where you could get work without travelling, all those other problems would still be there.

I'm much more concerned about fundamental issues such as lack of trust and not wanting to come home to him after a tour and the wall you've built around yourself. I'm also concerned about you not asking for things for yourself. Accepting our partners for who they are is wise but there are limits as to what we should accept. Communication about our own needs is also necessary.

Travelling issues aside, do you realise that your relationship is very dysfunctional? He's a liar and untrustworthy, but you appear to be far too passive about your needs. Do you realise that without trust and openness, a relationship has nothing? Of course, you have good reason to not trust him...so I don't understand why you're still together.

Perhaps it would help if you tell us why you're still with him.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:50pm

Why am I still with him?

Well, he isn't abusive, isn't alcoholic, and has the potential to be a really good man. We work very well as a team in many situations and seem to be well matched. So it's more a matter of working through everything else. Maybe I'm just expecting him to be something he is not and can never be.

I have never asked anyone to fulfill my needs and have always been the caregiver in every relationship, going back to my parents. I take care of myself and never intend to have anyone take care of me. So I attract friends etc who need care and attention and tend to be unable to return it. So, yeah, I'm dysfunctional too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:35pm

Have you ever considered unlearning your dysfunctional ways? You know, your life could be a whole lot better if you learn to expect the best for yourself.

To be honest, there's absolutely nothing that can be done to change your situation in life unless you make some changes to yourself first.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:55am

My becoming more demanding will do nothing positive here. Asking him to fulfill my needs will only make him resentful and I will be disappointed in his behavior again. He married a very independent free spirit and that is exactly what he wants and needs. If he ever had to take care of me, we'd both be in trouble. (In December I had a Bells Palsy flare-up and he never even acknowledged that there was something wrong--we have a pattern here.) I do take care of him and make sure he is fed, clothed, mostly healthy and nurtured.

My dysfunctional ways have served me quite well, really. No one else is responsible for my happiness. When my expectations for others' behavior have been higher, I've been disappointed. Everytime I've needed someone to take care of my needs, I've been disappointed. So why bother asking?

Actually this whole current behavior is a pattern--when I am in pre-production meetings, packing, etc, he gets really awful, so it may be a bruised ego or jealousy. He is much better if I'm just in an office, working on something I don't want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:00pm

If your dysfunctional ways are serving you well, why are you complaining about your marriage? I really don't understand why you had a rant about your lot when you're now defending your way of life. Look, either you're content and happy and make no changes. Or you're not content and address your underlying issues.

When I spoke about asking for more in your life, I wasn't referring to asking more of your husband. Of course HE won't give you anything better. He's a liar and a cheat and lives only for himself - that will never change. Rather, I was hoping you'd see the bigger picture, leave him and learn to lead a normal life with normal friends. Down the track, you could find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Imagine a relationship with someone you can trust and you cares about how you feel!!

People disappoint you when you ask them to take care of your needs? Considering how many good, caring people there are in the world, the common denominator here is YOU. You need to learn to make better choices as to who you are friends with and who you date. A basic requirement of a good partnership (besides trust) is choosing a parter who actually cares how you feel. You need to learn how to make better choices in a partner. A good start is by avoiding people who need to be taken care of.

But, hey, if you're content with a marriage to a man who you can't trust, who doesn't care about you and who needs to be mothered....keep doing what you're doing.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace