So scared do not know what to do anymore
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| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 1:02pm |
Everything was so special whatever he could do to make be happy he did it. He said he had no life before me; he was a lonely 26 year old man who had never had a girlfriend and spent all his time at the fire department working on the fire trucks and keeping things together. By the way, he is a well known citizen, the Assist. Fire Chief of our local volunteer fire department and has been for 10 years. He also was awarded Citizenship award of the year for our county, he knows everyone, town council, sheriffs department, city police....he just a known person. He went to Rose Hulman and is currently a Civil Engineer and knows everything possible. I am not kidding. Whatever it is he can fix it. He knows how to so everything, he simply amazes me how intelligent he is. I do not know why that a single, wonderful, so handsome and faithful man like He was single. HE said he was not looking. He does not go to bars with friends or dancing places (if you know what I mean) he is just not like that. So do I have a keeper? In my heart I sure do. I love him with all my heart and soul and would do anything I could for him. Here is the problem....if you still want to continue reading. I told you this would be long. Next month marks our 4 year anniversary. We have talked so much about marriage but yet he will not commit to me. In these 4 years we have went through some terrible trails and tribulation. From my divorce to me wanting to revert back to the way I was when I was married. I told him in the beginning what I was going through and I told him to run away from me but he failed to do so. Again, in these 4 years I have had my terrible side show up, my temper has flared like it used to, and I have said some things that I can not change. I can not go back in time and change the arguments that we have been in because of me. I know that, but I can do is wake up each and every day praying to God that I will be a better person, a patient person, a great attitude like I had before my ex-husband ruined me. My ex told me the night I left that he got the best of me. I believe that.
The last 2 months have not been good for us. He spends more and more time at the fire department, is not affectionate like he used to be, and does not say "I love you" unless I tell him first. Everyday my stomach turns just thinking that I might be loosing him more and more each day. We used to go out to dinner, but no more, we used to do things together as "Friends" not know more. If he is down at the fire house and I walk down there (yep, it is located 5 houses down the street) then he gets mad. He does not want me there. Recently he was in the paper being he was awarded a $144,000 dollar grant from FEMA for a new pumper truck, PLUS a week later he received a call from the state that his grant he wrote for a new rescue squad was granted. This grant was for $40,000. PLUS, yesterday he went to the state building in Indianapolis to accept ANOTHER grant for $4000.00 to help supply equipment for the new squad. Is he great or what? All I hear is anymore is that he has no time for anything. Not me, my family, and my nephew who he had known as "Uncle Ne Ne" since the day he was born, no time for anyone. I would never give him an altimative...me or the fire department. He loves the fire department and that is his thing. He changes the oil on all the trucks and everyone on the department knows that if it was not for him nothing would get done. When I met him he was in process of getting a new KME foam/water fire truck also. The old fire truck he bought for a dollar in Indianapolis and re-built the engine at the fire house so they could have a decent running fire truck (this was a 1976 FORD). So you see if it was not for his dedication the fire house would not have 2 brand new fire trucks, a brand new rescue squad, new air packs, and all new equipment. I can not make him choose, that would be selfish of me. I was crying and upset so terribly bad the other night because he said the fire department was more important then me. He said I constantly want what he can not give me, affection, hugging, holding each other and that I was high maintenance. It used to be until recently that he was all over me and know you know what he said. "I just realized that sex is not that important, there are more things in life like the fire department." I look around me and can only see myself in his future.
I love him more than anything in the world. But lately I am so confused on his action I do not know what to do. Is he sick? Is he mental? I told him he better grow up and he said he will never change because the fire department is his life. What about me? I though I was his life? At least I was in the beginning. He is 30 years old and has always wanted kids. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t. "I have too much stuff going on to have kids Amy, what am I suppose to so if you want to go somewhere? Just drop what I am doing at the fire department and watch them? Well, ya. That is the idea of marriage and family right? All I hear is "If I do not do it know on will, I have some much riding on this department Amy, who is going to hook up the lights, who is going to pick the new truck and squad up, who is ordering them to our specifications, me. I am because no one else knows how to do anything right down there. They all do a crappy job and do not care." I try my best to do what I can each and everyday for him. Nothing is working anymore. He calls me at work on my lunch hour and says "I love you" before hanging up, and this morning before he got up for work and rolled over and told me to come close so he could hold me......I am just wondering when those feelings will be phased out. Maybe he is in his "Comfort Zone". I do not know. What I do know is that he will not let anyone else help him do anything down there. He does not want anyone touching anything unless he is aware of it first. We recently had our Labor Day town parade and I wanted to ride with him like I always do in it. I asked him on Monday if anyone had listed the fire truck in the parade and he said no. The parade was on Friday and when Friday came around he said that so many people on the fire department and there kids wanted to go there would be no room for me. Yet everyone asked me why I didn’t go? They said there was plenty of room that the only people inside the truck were him (driving) and the Fire Chiefs wife (who is in her late 50's). I could have sat in the back which has 3 sits because everyone got out and walked beside the truck.
A few nights ago I sat down and asked if he wanted me in his life and if he sees me in his future. His reply was, "I can not see the future Amy but I hope you are in it." It is simple little things like that that for that very moment in time stopped my heart and gave me some reassurance. I can only pray each day that he will realize what he is doing in unfair to me and our unfair of our relationship. I do not care that he his down there everyday of the week after work and on the weekend, it is just I wish he would remember me too. A simple call saying, "I miss you, why don’t you come down here for awhile, or Honey, tonight we are going out to dinner somewhere special". Sometimes I feel so sick to my stomach because of worrying about us.
It is like I can not read him anymore. One day he is far away from me as possible and the next he says or does something loving that reassures me for that moment in time. It called me honey today and said he loved me. He also came in kissed me goodbye when he was going to the firehouse. Also he wanted to .......yesterday and we did. I know what you are going to say. I should not have done that. What am I suppose to do in that situation, refuse? I know he is extremely busy with the FD and all the new equip and vehicles coming but maybe I am just too "clingy". In my last marriage my ex loved me in the beginning then it all went downhill. We arugued all the time about why he never kissed me goodbye as he was leaving, or why he never called me at work, or even asked me how work went, never held me, rolled over in bed as if I was never there.......when my boyfriend came along he was the most sweetest, gentlest, understanding man I had ever met. He was so "special" in so many ways (if you know what I mean by reading my letter). But all of a sudden it is like he was just putting on a 3 year show for me. He does have a bad temper and I have learned to let him go. Not that it is violent but when something doesn’t work out as planned he is a big baby.....I am always there to pick him up. He does want children but it was weird that as soon as he found out that the 3 grants he placed were all approved he went wacko on me. I asked him if he was actaully going through a midlife crisis and he said no. Once all this got put on him that is when this all started. He said he wants children (I don’t right now either considering we are not married) he just said that until all the new vehicles, fire trucks, rescue squad, etc. that he would not even consider it. Maybe I just need a dog. Something to keep me company when he is away. Yet, I asked him if I could (this has been an ongoing issue) and he said no and that I would be outside with it as well. The FD is evil. It has made him nuts. I have told him so many times that if his ambition in life is to work on fire apparatus then he should just start his own company, it is not like he doesn’t have the smarts. It is like one day to the next I never know what I am going to get. Good, bad, loving, or mean, hateful, soar, and unloving. Someone help me. Please………….

You got with each other to "find the missing parts" only after 4 years - you're finding out that the person who was "alone for 26 years" - doesn't know how to do anything but "protect and serve" be of "use and benefit" - and he's finding out that the reason that your life was such a wreck before he met you - is because that you're waiting for someone to come along and "fix you up, make you better, and give you purpose".
i guarantee you - having been both of you - he's been "leaving you" for a long time - he's just not totally ending it yet...for his own reasons.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It's just that your man uses the fire department as an escape while other men use their friends, their work, the bar, or another woman.
My suggestion is to not ask him to give up the fire department. (My husband is a voluteer firefighter and does a lot of work at the department. I am glad that he has that as his hobbu, it is noble and much better than going to strip clubs or going to the bar all the time.)
Just talk to your man and say that you sense a distance and you want things to work out but you feel like he isn't into this anymore.
I don't know how old you are or if you want children but if he is not wanting marriage and kids and you are, it may be time for you to move on and find someone on the same page as you.
You don't have to end it badly, perhaps you could be friends. You will always have those memories and emails - he helped you thru a tough time, if it does end remember the good things and focus on YOUR future.