So stuck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
So stuck!
17
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 3:34pm

I'm so stuck and and am tired of being here.  I've been married for 3 and 1/2 years.  It's been rocky since day 1.  We separated last October (2011) and I came back in September (2012) to try and see how things go.  Things have been better and my H has worked on things he said he realized he should have done differerntly, etc.  Things have been good.  But now, it's about 6 months later and I'm still stuck.  ANytime he talks about moving ahead- buying a house and starting a family- I still get tense and anxious.  A big part of me feels this marriage isn't for me.  But then the big fearful and indecisive part feels like maybe I'm just scared or not seeing something that I SHOULD be seeing or appreciating about the marriage.  The last thing I'm thinking of is to try to go see a therapist together and just see what she has to say.

I'm just tired of being in the same spot- as is he.  I'm tired of holding him back from getting his dreams, tired of holding myself back and tired of living in limbo like I have for the past 6 years of my life!  (I've always quesitoned and had doubts about "us"...so much so that I cancelled our engagement- only to get back together and move ahead with the wedding.

My head hurts from always thinking.  I'm just tired.  I just can't bring myself to make the final move. :(

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 11:41am

It might be true that you promised God to stay married to this man until death, but what purpose would that serve, if you are not happy? Do you really honestly think God would want you to be married to someone and be unhappy, miserable, unfulfilled, etc? What purpose would that serve? Would it give God pleasure to see you unhappy? Would it be amusing to him? I hope not, I hope that is not the kind of God that you believe in.

We humans unfortunately are fallible. Unlike God supposedly. That means we make mistakes. I don't know if your marriage is a mistake or not, but if it is/was, should you be punished for it until you die? I can hardly imagine any thought more absurd than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
In reply to: spc2013
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 8:15pm

No...I don't believe or think God would rather have me stay in my marriage and be unhappy.  I truly DO believe He'd want me to be happy and I tell myself that all the time.  It's just my own guilt I guess....and hearing it from my H doesn't make it easier..lol.  I get the speech all the time that we made vows in front of God that we can't just throw away.  

All the what if's are enough to drive me crazy.  What if I should have stayed?  What if I made the wrong choice to leave?  What if my marriage WAS better than I thought?  What if down the road I'm kicking myself in the a** because I left?  Here's the sick thing...I KNOW these are all "What if's" and all fears too that are driving my decision.  I've worked through all this and thought it all through before but yet find myself in the SAME spot..always.  I wish I had something to push me up against the wall and left me with no out to just tell him and be done.

We have an appt on Tuesday to see a marriage counselor.  It's our first appt and part of me wants to go and see what she says (not that it'll be the end all, say all) and then the other part has NO drive to even begin with therapy and go.  A part of me also says ENOUGH...don't go there and cut this guy down anymore than I already have. 

Embarassed

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 2:50pm

If you haven't seen a counselor together then I think you should definitely go and do that. It would help to put your mind at ease about your decision to leave, if thats what you decide to do. They should hopefully make the decision as well, whatever it turns out to be. Many people need an objective thrid party to provide a judgement, in order for it to sink in. Similar to you let's say telling your friend over and over to start eating healthy but she doesn't listen to you. Then suddenly one visit to the doctor telling her the exact same thing, and she embarks on a new diet!

Unfortunately it might take a series of visits to reach a conclusion.

There are of course what-ifs. They are there in most decisions you make in life. I know marriage is the biggest one you will make, or one of the biggest ones.

In my opinion, after reading all of what you have written so far, internally you really do not want this marriage and this relationship anymore. What is really holding you back are external things like the idea of getting divorced, being divorced, hurting your husband, how will everyone think about you getting divorced, etc. Not to say those are not to enter into things at all, but at the crux of this whole thing and what matters most is your relationship. I think you have said this is the one thing that you are almost sure that you do not want anymore.

No one said relationships and marriage was going to be a bed of roses, but with what you have been through already, with a long separation VERY early on in the marriage, and everything else, I don't think it should ever be this hard. If there is this much turmoil and divisiveness already, just what are you fighting for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
In reply to: spc2013
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 5:37pm

Thanks Kahtru for your response.

We did go see the counselor for our first visit this week.  It went well for the most part.  It's just telling her our "story" and the background so she obviously couldn't give much input just yet.

You said exactly what I feel...if there's this much turbulance, then what am I fighting for and looking for?  I just in my heart think I have finally been able to come to the conclusion that I just don't want to be here anymore.  I just don't know how in the world I'm going to actually do the "deed" and tell my husband.  I don't know when a "good time" is or how to do this all.  When the hell is it a good time to tell someone this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
In reply to: spc2013
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 5:38pm

Thanks Khatru for your response.

We did go see the counselor for our first visit this week.  It went well for the most part.  It's just telling her our "story" and the background so she obviously couldn't give much input just yet.

You said exactly what I feel...if there's this much turbulance, then what am I fighting for and looking for?  I just in my heart think I have finally been able to come to the conclusion that I just don't want to be here anymore.  I just don't know how in the world I'm going to actually do the "deed" and tell my husband.  I don't know when a "good time" is or how to do this all.  When the hell is it a good time to tell someone this?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 1:44pm

There may never be a good time but it might be easier once you have had some counseling sessions and you have another person there to sort of back you up or you at least feel that person is behind you in your decision.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
In reply to: sunset5000
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 8:58pm

Kendahke1,

I just wanted to tell you that I agree totally with what you wrote:

"I'm a firm believer in when one takes vows, that one understands exactly what it is that they are entering into.. which is why they mention the part about doing it soberly and with a lot of thought--because if two people know their minds and hearts like they're supposed to when they get to the point of standing in front of an officiator, their marriage isn't supposed to be falling apart 1 year into it.  You swear to remain with that person through the extremes of life until one of your dies, which means going through good times and going through hard times, but going through it together."

That is all, just had to comment that I like what you wrote and I am married and it was a good reminder for me personally Smile

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

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