So stuck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
So stuck!
17
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 3:34pm

I'm so stuck and and am tired of being here.  I've been married for 3 and 1/2 years.  It's been rocky since day 1.  We separated last October (2011) and I came back in September (2012) to try and see how things go.  Things have been better and my H has worked on things he said he realized he should have done differerntly, etc.  Things have been good.  But now, it's about 6 months later and I'm still stuck.  ANytime he talks about moving ahead- buying a house and starting a family- I still get tense and anxious.  A big part of me feels this marriage isn't for me.  But then the big fearful and indecisive part feels like maybe I'm just scared or not seeing something that I SHOULD be seeing or appreciating about the marriage.  The last thing I'm thinking of is to try to go see a therapist together and just see what she has to say.

I'm just tired of being in the same spot- as is he.  I'm tired of holding him back from getting his dreams, tired of holding myself back and tired of living in limbo like I have for the past 6 years of my life!  (I've always quesitoned and had doubts about "us"...so much so that I cancelled our engagement- only to get back together and move ahead with the wedding.

My head hurts from always thinking.  I'm just tired.  I just can't bring myself to make the final move. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: spc2013
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 5:23pm

Well, you're in good company.  I'm forever quoting Dr. Phil, but that's because I never seem to disagree with the guy.  I've heard him say you have to earn your way out of a marriage, meaning you have to pursue every possibility before you make the final decision to go your separate ways.  I think seeing a therapist is the smartest thing you could do, but make sure it's a marriage counselor, who has dealt with it all with couples.  It's very difficult to understand should I stay or not, and only you can make that decision.  If you are sitting on the fence, there's a reason you're staying there.  When you're in the middle of all of this crap, it's terrifying realizing you are even CONSIDERING leaving.  And it's so easy to get into a totally negative frame of mind about it all, too.  You're still there for a reason, and I think you need that therapist to find out what that is.  When you're part of a couple, we all do things we regret or wish we'd done differently, because nobody's perfect, myself included.  Try posting on Problem Solving for Couples, too - good board, good leader, too. 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: spc2013
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 12:32pm

spc2013 wrote:
<p>I'm so stuck and and am tired of being here.  I've been married for 3 and 1/2 years.  It's been rocky since day 1.  We separated last October (2011) and I came back in September (2012) to try and see how things go.  Things have been better and my H has worked on things he said he realized he should have done differerntly, etc.  Things have been good.  But now, it's about 6 months later and I'm still stuck.  ANytime he talks about moving ahead- buying a house and starting a family- I still get tense and anxious.  A big part of me feels this marriage isn't for me.  But then the big fearful and indecisive part feels like maybe I'm just scared or not seeing something that I SHOULD be seeing or appreciating about the marriage.  The last thing I'm thinking of is to try to go see a therapist together and just see what she has to say.</p><p>I'm just tired of being in the same spot- as is he.  I'm tired of holding him back from getting his dreams, tired of holding myself back and tired of living in limbo like I have for the past 6 years of my life!  (I've always quesitoned and had doubts about "us"...so much so that I cancelled our engagement- only to get back together and move ahead with the wedding.</p><p>My head hurts from always thinking.  I'm just tired.  I just can't bring myself to make the final move. :(</p>

The real question here is "Do you want to be married, or did you just want a wedding?"

The answer to that will determine the course of action you should take.

In the meantime, what is the real and true reason why you got back together after you called off the engagement and married him?  Not the palitable answer you've been telling yourself that allows you to sleep at night and maintain your course of action, but the honest, true answer that will cause your train to derail, because there is one and it's what has prompted you throw roadblocks in your way, emotionally, in order to move forward with your husband.

What is the worst that can happen if you get out of your own way?

It's perfectly natural that your husband, after working, satisfactorily by your own words, on the things necessary for him to uphold his end of the bargain, wants to move forward in his marriage to the next logical step. Yes, you should have been talking with a marriage counsellor for a while now because it's not about "what she has to say", but whether or not you feel your marriage is worth you putting in some heavy lifting, doing the hard emotional work to get real with yourself so you can move forward with him.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: spc2013
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 11:13pm

 His dreams are  not yours. Nothing more to say.  Move on now.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
In reply to: spc2013
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 1:52pm
It seems like he is doing his part while you are not. If you are not into the marriage then set him free to be with someone who will cherish the new him .
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
In reply to: spc2013
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 3:44pm

Thank you for your replies.


To answer some of the questions, YES- I DID want to get married.  It wasn't just about the wedding.  Believe me, I agonized enough about that too.  I do still want to be married.  It is my life dream to be a wife and a mother.  There's nothing more in the world that I want.  It's just that I keep hitting these "bumps" that stop me and make me doubt and question having all of this with him.  

After we broke off the engagement, we got back together because I felt that things were worked on and improved and thought we could move forward.  I thought part of it was me too also having to accept his flaws and accept him overall.  Then we got married, got a dog and things just went sour.  We've never really had much of a "good" marriage...we have never been able to gain GOOD momentum.  Then we split up for the year and when we started talking again- he told me how much he's learned about himself and what's he's learned that he did wrong as well as US.  So I could not walk away from this having doubts down the road.  I felt I owed it to myself and to him to give it one last try.  Well- it's now 6 months since I came back and I can't seem to get myself to want to move ahead.  When he brings up investing in the future or looking for a house, etc, I still tense up.  I feel the same way I did when he'd bring up making wedding plans while we were engaged.  It's like deja' vu.  

My brain tells me to walk away and end this cycle already, while my heart is still making me quesiton things and wonder if I'm throwing away something (or someone) that down the road I'm going to kick myself in the a** for.  He really is trying so hard now and things have gotten much better.  I still don't respect him as I should though and that has always been the problem.  I'm thinking about therapy too and even with that, it's like I'm dragging my feet.

Kenda- what you said reminded me of my feelings.  Putting in a lot of work with a therapist might help but I'm not even up for that.  I feel like I just ran a marathon and someone is asking me to run 2 more miles.  But again- I don't want things to come and bite me! But at this stage of the game- how much more time am I going to invest here and be in this cycle?????  A big part of me agrees with what I think Cherry said- I feel like I need to let him go and find the happiness he's looking for and deserves.

How do I get out of my own way!?!?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Kendahke1
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 9:07pm

spc2013 wrote:
<p>Thank you for your replies.</p><p><br />To answer some of the questions, YES- I DID want to get married.  It wasn't just about the wedding.  Believe me, I agonized enough about that too.  I do still want to be married.  It is my life dream to be a wife and a mother.  There's nothing more in the world that I want.  It's just that I keep hitting these "bumps" that stop me and make me doubt and question having all of this with him.  </p><p>After we broke off the engagement, we got back together because I felt that things were worked on and improved and thought we could move forward.  I thought part of it was me too also having to accept his flaws and accept him overall.  Then we got married, got a dog and things just went sour.  We've never really had much of a "good" marriage...we have never been able to gain GOOD momentum.  Then we split up for the year and when we started talking again- he told me how much he's learned about himself and what's he's learned that he did wrong as well as US.  So I could not walk away from this having doubts down the road.  I felt I owed it to myself and to him to give it one last try.  Well- it's now 6 months since I came back and I can't seem to get myself to want to move ahead.  When he brings up investing in the future or looking for a house, etc, I still tense up.  I feel the same way I did when he'd bring up making wedding plans while we were engaged.  It's like deja' vu.  </p><p>My brain tells me to walk away and end this cycle already, while my heart is still making me quesiton things and wonder if I'm throwing away something (or someone) that down the road I'm going to kick myself in the a** for.  He really is trying so hard now and things have gotten much better.  I still don't respect him as I should though and that has always been the problem.  I'm thinking about therapy too and even with that, it's like I'm dragging my feet.</p><p>Kenda- what you said reminded me of my feelings.  Putting in a lot of work with a therapist might help but I'm not even up for that.  I feel like I just ran a marathon and someone is asking me to run 2 more miles.  But again- I don't want things to come and bite me! But at this stage of the game- how much more time am I going to invest here and be in this cycle?????  A big part of me agrees with what I think Cherry said- I feel like I need to let him go and find the happiness he's looking for and deserves.</p><p>How do I get out of my own way!?!?</p>

You get out of your own way by making an appointment with the therapist instead investing in/coming up with excuses for not doing it.  You're overthinking all of this.  It's like "poop, or get off the pot".

Decide which is worse for you: staying married or getting divorced.   You have to own that pain is going to be generated either way you go, so which kind can you handle and which kind can't you handle?

Certainly, staying static and living in limbo is nothing more than wasting time you're not going to be getting back.

I'm a firm believer in when one takes vows, that one understands exactly what it is that they are entering into.. which is why they mention the part about doing it soberly and with a lot of thought--because if two people know their minds and hearts like they're supposed to when they get to the point of standing in front of an officiator, their marriage isn't supposed to be falling apart 1 year into it.  You swear to remain with that person through the extremes of life until one of your dies, which means going through good times and going through hard times, but going through it together.

If you are certain beyond any doubt in your mind that you cannot make your marriage work, then call a divorce attorney and get it over with so your husband can get on and find someone who wants to be married to him for the rest of his life.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Mon, 03-04-2013 - 1:45pm

I think a counselor is definitely what you need. You obviously are having very much difficulty in deciding on your own, whether to stay married or not. Thats why you came here seeking some advice. You want the perspective of an outside , impartial, 3rd party. A counselor can be that person better than anyone.

I do have to say though given that you have already in your short marriage, been seperated, and gotten back together, and still you cannot really commit to this man, you freak when you think of children or anything that will materially bind you to him. Sounds like you own nothing together, no children, so you two could divorce with little to no hassles. All of this makes me wonder did you two ever really have the level of compatibility it takes to be married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
In reply to: spc2013
Mon, 03-04-2013 - 6:03pm

I have actually been seeing a counselor on my own for the past 3 years.  I had come to a point a few weeks ago where I told her I think it's time to throw in the towel and she could see that's where I was going.  She never TOLD me anything of course- she's made me try to reach that on my own.  


The reason why I keep thinking of a counselor for my H and I to go to together is so she can hear BOTH sides of the story. Of course me being the way I am- I'm still questioning myself and my role in it.  I have come to the point now where I realize though that first and foremost I have to still WANT the marriage and be married to him.  As painful as it is to realize, I think I've finally began to stop being afraid that answer which is I don't think so.

With that being said though- I've told my H this flat out 2 times over the past few weeks. Just this Saturday I was about to pull the trigger....and...I was convinced to hang in there and wait to at least see a therapist together.  He said I owe him that at least after all this time he's waited for me and tried so hard to make things better.  So, at least I can say I'm being as honest as I can be.  So now I've taken a few steps back and thought to try to hang in there at least for the first session with a therapist.  I'll have to take it day by day I guess and see how things unfold.

It's weird...sometimes I think yeah we're a good match and then others I think "why did I push myself into this when all signs were pointed in the opposite direction?"  There's been so much turmoil in the past years I think to myself that I'd be an absolute fool to move ahead and have a family together.  That's what my head thinks anyway...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: fissatore
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 11:34am

Another person above quoted Dr.Phil.  I do that often too.......because I agree with his philosophies.   One thing he often brings up......there are therapists, and there are therapists.  If you have some sort of "ailment", and you went to a doctor for three years and your "ailment" hasn't gone away or improved.....you would eventually decide that it's time to find someone else that CAN help you.  You seem to be unable to trust your own instincts.  You make a decision, then you allow someone else to change that decision.  Your root problem is that you don't believe in yourself.......and that's what you have to work on.  Find a new therapist, and work on yourself, not your marriage.  When you learn to love yourself, you won't be swayed by what other people want from you.  Another quote:  Oprah always used to say......"listen to your gut (another word for "instincts") because that's really God talking to you!" Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2013
In reply to: spc2013
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 7:44pm

I know- I've been an avid fan of Oprah and have heard her say that so many times throughout the years.  I do believe that statement is true.  It is hard to apply to this situation though because a part of me feels like God wouldn't want me to leave.  Ultimately I DID promise I would be in this marriage "til death do us part".  So I ask myself, would God really want me to just throw in the towel?  So I go back and forth with that.

I know that a big problem is me trusting myself and my instincts.  I HAVE been working on that with my therapist but I guess there's only so much she can do...it's up to me to do the rest.

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