so, what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
so, what now?
4
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 4:51pm
My husband and I recently almost divorced over our different sexual needs. Either I have a high sex drive or he has a really low one. He is a twice a month man, me I am a three times a week woman. We both made mistakes, different but still mistakes, in our short separation. We decided to work things out, and in less than month; things seem to be right back to where we started. I have told him how important this is to me, and that it is more than physical. But nothing ever works for more than a few weeks. I had decided that because the kids were going to take our separation so hard that I should just stay miserable. What else can I do? I don’t have the time or money for therapy. The time maybe but the money, we really don’t have that kind of money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:02pm
'because the kids were going to take our separation so hard that I should just stay miserable.'

And how will they take your depression, your resentment to you husband, your anger, your frustration, and possibly your affair? What will they learn from observing your unhappy marriage?Exactly how will they benefit?

Do you know for sure that you can't afford therapy? Have you looked into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:02pm
I also agree with Ciao_Gina... You are your childrens example, and if they grow up seeing this kind of relationship around them, thats exactly what they will go after for themselves, or just avoid having relationships at all.

There should be many councelling centers that offer free councelling to low income families. YOU just have to WANT to go.

As far as the sexual drives go, how old is your husband? Age is a huge factor in a mans Libido, maybe he has problems with his erections, or maybe he also has some emotional distress when it comes to having sex.

I can see this leading to an affair if you don't go to councelling, and though an affair satisfies your strong sexual needs, you have to understand that most of the time a woman gets emotionally involved with her lover as well.

My advice, get some marital councelling, don't have an affair, and if sex is the reason you want a divorce then you are married for the wrong reason.

Good luck to you and be blessed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:08pm
I have never looked into therapy. We are middle class which means we make just enough not to qualify for most help. Sex isn’t the main cause, well I guess it is the fact that he doesn’t care, or need me. Even though I know he needs me for other things. The thought that I don’t do it for him is hard to handle. Not just that but the fact he doesn’t care how much it hurts me. I have told him and he says he cares and does need me. He can keep that act up a month or so, sometimes more, or less. We actually get along pretty good other wise. He was an only child, I think his selfishness comes from that and sometimes I wonder if he really doesn’t see how he is selfish. With the children I couldn’t ask for better. He doesn’t put himself in front of them. That makes me believe it has to be me. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t want him to be different with them. It just shows me that he can be caring, and think of others before himself. I am not always miserable either we have are good times, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I get really sick of having to basically feel like he is only with me just to shut me up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:25pm
Honey the love for your children and the love for your spouse are 2 different things. He may find it more comfortable to "be more loving" to the children.

Maybe in his childhood growing up as an only child his parents where very good with him, but were very cold to eachother. Ask him if he has any childhood memories of how his mom and dad were effectionate wise to eachother.

See if there is a pattern and talk to him. Or really just to to invest in the councelling.

To save your marriage I think anything is worth a shot. Or try like a temporary separation, where he moves out for a while, and then maybe things will rekindle themsleves.

Hey everybody needs a little time away for themselves to find themselves and get in touch with what they really want.

Good luck to you.