Some advice please????
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Some advice please????
| Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:58am |
I know this is primarily a woman's forum but I was looking for advice and I HOPE someone can give me advice on this matter. My live in girlfriend of 8 years has a job at which at one point she was a co worker of a married couple. She is really good friends with the wife(dinner, house visits, shopping, etc.) The wife later found employment with a different company, leaving her husband behind. While switching shifts at my job(from 3rd to 1st), I came to find out that the husband would call my girlfriend in the mornings when his wife was either gone to the gym or left for work. When confronted with the question of "Why is he calling you when his wife is away and why is he calling you when he is about to start work with you in a matter of hours?" She then called me silly or paranoid for thinking that way and told me to trust her enough to let her put up the boundry. I abided but could never put the matter to rest because of the fact that they are co-workers, and the fact that I am a man myself and know the things we do. She has always stayed at her job finishing off projects and meeting deadlines. And now for the past 6 months, she refuses to be intimate with me, blaming it on stress from work. She let is slip now that the wife has complained of the same thing I've been, with the same excuse. My gut feeling have always told me that something was going on, but I managed to bury those feelings and give her the beneifit of the doubt. But she would always seem to be later coming home on Fridays and Mondays. That's when my suspicion grew once again. One night, I took a trip up to her job and parked where I could not be seen. To my dismay I saw her and the Husband leave out at the same time(9:45PM). Even though they do very seperate jobs, I never confronted her about it. Recently, we were arguing and the subject of her late night meetings came up and i questioned her about the Husband being up in these "meeting" with her. She then denied that he stayed up on the job with her at all. When confronted with the fact that I saw both him and her leave together, she became very defensive and imeadiatley ended the relationship saying that she can not be with a jealous man. I am trying to put the pieces together because they just don't fit. I am not the type of person to jump the gun. But my thoughts are:
What is so secretive that you have to hide the fact that your best friends husband is at work late with you?
Why are you lying about it?
What else is there that I don't know?
Does your best friend even know about this?
I hope that I am just being silly or paranoid, but I need advice that only a woman can give me. Please help.

Do I think that seeing them walk out together automatically means she was cheating?No. Do I think that something sems misplaced and odd about everything?Yes. I am a big beleiver that people should trust their instincts, they are usally right.
Why does she have to be so secretive?Who knows. Probably because she was acting inapproprialty ( cheating or not) with her best freinds husband and also misleading you.Maybe they became realy close and didnt feel comfortable letting you onto that beciase they knew it would cause insecurities between eveyone. How does this other mans wife feel about everything?Have yo ever spoken to her about this and see if she feels similar.
You deserve to know whats going on, but at teh same time, how much are you willing to hear? No matter whats going on, if anything at all, you dont deserve to made to feel like you're an outsider in your own rlationship.
Reading material:
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet ��� and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie