somebody explain please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
somebody explain please...
5
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:56am
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2.5 years now.

The thing is that I think he is not attracted to me and that he doesn't desire me at all.

Here's the reasons why I think I am unattractive to him:

(1) Usually we have about a ten minute foreplay and that's it.

This has been going on for about a year now, and so I told him that I am not quite satisfied with the way it is.

What he told me is that he doesn't have time to have more foreplay!!!!!!

I know he's a busy man, but is that really an answer that I should accept?

Why would a man say something like this, I thought they enjoyed sex? It doesn't always have to be a quickie, right?

(2) Two days ago we tried to have sex, but for some reason he couldn't keep up his erection.

I wasn't too worried about it then, but last night we tried it again. I went down on him and he lost his erection.

How come???

(3) When we went shopping he pointed out a certain underwear to me that he would want to wear (corsage and a hot panty). I got the underwear and wanted to surprise him with it. A few days later I whispered to him that I was wearing "this" underwear for him... Guess what? He never saw it on me, he didn't even show interest in seeing it.

(4) He never tells me that I look hot. But he told about other women that he thinks are hot. He even told me about a girl that was so hot that he could never believe she actually hooked up with him.

What does that mean?

Can somebody explain to me what his actions mean?

You see there's a lot going on.

I tried to talk to him about it - but he got angry and very defensive about all that. He thinks that I am totally wrong, and that I don't trust him...

But I am hurt.

I want him to have the same passion for me as I have for him.

I wish he once told me that I am his hottie...

How can I talk to him about it without hurting his feelings and without argueing?

I don't want to fight with him, I just want to work this out and be 100% happy again.

Any advice????????

Thanks in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:37am
It could just be related to him knowing you have a certain expectation and he is not meeting that, when those kind of thoughts enter his mind it can affect his erection since he may feel he is not satisfying you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:42am

Why is he so busy? His job?School? You didnt specify. Has he ever had erectile disfunction before, or is this something new? This can often be a result of high stress. My next question would be, other than the obvious, do you guys have anymore serious relationship problems? Has he shown signs of infedilty?


Bottom line is this: He is way "too busy" for love rightnow and thats exactley what you need. You need someone to be there for you...to want to be there, and he cannot -or will nt give that too you right now. You can choose to stay, in that case, Im sure things would remain the same..or you can leave and tell him you need someone who is more accesable emotionally.


Best wishes,


**marsexpert**
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:14am
Thank you to both so much for your answers.

I would never leave my boyfriend, I love him more than anything else!

The only thing I want is that both of us can be 100% happy again.

I'm looking for advice how I can have a "friendly" conversation with him, without putting pressure on him.

I wanna talk about it and work it out.

He is busy because he works full time and goes to school right afterwards (three times a week). This program will take another three years.

We don't have anymore serious relationship problems.

He's had erection problems before, but I have to say that he smokes a lot, too. He thinks it can come from that, I don't know if that is true or not, but I am sure he would not lie to me.

What worries me is that it seems like I can't turn him on and that he doesn't show any interest in having sex with me.

I think a lot of women would have a problem with that, that's not just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:36pm
Hi. I understand how hard it can be. One thing that i have learned with my relationship with my boyfriend is that the more I bring something up in a confronting way, the more he shuts down emotionally. I have started working on our relationship by making the little parts of it better first. For example: when he gets home from work I will say something like "I just want to let you know that I appreciate how hard you work everyday and I am so proud to be your girlfriend." Little things like this seem to help because it makes him feel proud and appreciated. Then, when I do Have an issue, I explain it calmly and with some sort of solution and ask what his opinion is about it. Maybe you should back off on initiating sex for a little while and beleive me, he will get the point and initiate it. The closer friends you become with a respect for eachother, the better the intimacy will become and it takes a little time, but it should help. I was a nagging girlfriend who brought up problems over and over again and that also pushed him away. The less I nagged the better our conversations became. I hope this helps. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:44pm
Hey snu!

Thanks a lot for the sweet answer, very much appreciated.

I will try your tips, they sound very reasonable. They worked well in your relationship, so maybe they can help me, too.

Thanks!!!