Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy!!
30
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:38pm
I need help and advice. I'm in a serious relationship with a man whom I love very, very dearly. I honestly and totally believe we're soul mates. We've been together for a year and a half, just bought a house together, and I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with his first child. My family is mostly all up north while his mother, brother, 4 nieces and a nephew all live here in Virginia. The problem is this: Everytime we go to his brothers house his nieces are ALL OVER HIM!!!! The youngest is 10 and is not so much a problem, but the other two are 13 and 15. They hug him when we first get there and from there it's like every 10 or 15 minutes someone has their arms wrapped around him and telling him how much they love him. Now I can appreciate the fact that they love their uncle and are close to him. But I was raised differently. If I were to hang all over any of my uncles, or any male, when I was their age, my mother would have smacked me in my face in front of everyone. I feel it's inappropriate for those young ladies to act like that. And my SO and I have discussed this numerous times. We dont see eye to eye. He thinks I'm just being jealous. I can admit that maybe theres some truth to that but mainly it makes me feel so very uncomfortable to see these teenage girls hanging all over him. They have no respect and no deceny. He tells me "They're just little girls." But they're not. They're 13 and 15. It's to the point where I don't want to go over to his family's house because I don't wanna be put in that uncomfortable position. And his whole family thinks I'm insane for feeling this way. They all say "Maria, he's their uncle. He's known them since they were babies." Oh, so that makes it okay? One more thing I need to mention. Last April we took the oldest niece with us to a Sheryl Crow concert for her birthday. Needless to say, she was walking around holding his hand, walking with her arm around his waist. The woman sitting next to us at the concert asked me if we share him!!!!!!! That right there tells me it's obvious to everyone but him and his family. So am I crazy? Am I just jealous? Am I wrong for feeling this way? And what should I do to overcome this? I don't want to lose the best relationship I've ever had over this but we just can't agree. HELP!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:22pm
I can understand how the girls' behavior would upset you. But what I believe would upset me more is that my 'soul mate' is being inconsiderate of my feelings. Do the girls know this upsets you? Are they now doing it out of spite? Does your SO 'love' them so much that decreasing the amount of physical contact would ruin their relationship? Because continuing as it is sure will ruin yours. Is he willing to risk that? I wonder how he would feel if you had 2 teenage boys hanging on you?

This is a vulnerable time for you, and he should recognize that and do everything in his power to calm you. Not only is the stress bad for you it is also bad for your baby. He should be protecting you from this and not adding to it by dismissing your jealously.

The only advice I can give you is stay away from whatever or whomever makes you upset. You have a baby to take care of which is going to be hard enough without all the other foolishness. Perhaps once the baby has arrived, the girls will have someone to redirect all that attention to. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:59pm
Let me get this straight - you are shacking up with a guy, got knocked up, and you have the gall to say that you "feel its inappropriate for those young ladies to act like that."??? Take the log out of your own eye first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 10:44pm
Why don't you get THIS straight.....I'm not a 15 year old girl. I'm a grown woman and if I decide to LIVE with someone, that's my decision. Why would you be so crude as to say "Knocked up"? What's up with that? Lack of education? Can't be anymore articulate than that? Poor thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:28pm
I know you're not a silly teenager. You're a grown woman with 2 little children. That's what makes your behavior even more outrageous. If you think that the expression "knocked up" is crude, that's because your life choices are crude. I don't believe in sugar-coating the truth.

You have made the "lifestyle choice" to expose your two little ones to this crass living arrangement and then you have the nerve to whine about two nieces who express a wholesome and innocent love to their uncle. See any hypocrisy here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:13am
Why don't you get married to the father of the baby? Does he not want to marry you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:23am
I can't tell you that you're not crazy because you're acting crazy. Your irrational response to your soulmate's loving family, specifically his nieces, will probably only end with him feeling that he has to choose between you, the woman he loves, and the family that he loves. Guess who will get the boot? Baby or not. Grow up, blood is thicker than water. Your petty jealousy will only drive a wedge between you two.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:16pm

I don't see what the problem is. it doesn't sound inappropriate (unless you see reall inappropriate sexual behavior). there is nothing wrong with neice hugging their uncle or telling him tht they love him. they ARE just girls and this sounds healthy to me (again, unless something REALLY inappropriate happens)


and that lady at the concert? her remark was EXTREMELY rude and inappropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 10:09pm
OMG i went thru the same exact thing ur going thru n was very jealous...nobody else could understand where i was comin from n thought i was crazy...except my bf was 26 his niece was 17...it got to the point where i actually thought sumthin was goin on cuz she was like in love with him...she wuld always wanna hang out with him, talk to him, always saying how great he was...n wen i wuld bring it up with him he wuld say i was crazy n that was digusting for me to even think that nd that they r just close becuz the age is not a big difference. idk i guess if u havent been thru it its hard to see how it feels i kno noone culd understand wen i told them
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:02am
I had to join this message board today to effect some collective common sense to a few of you here that erroneously think the originator of this thread is in the wrong!!

First, I will address the rudest comment, courtesy of ivdarian:

Your pathetic attempt to infer that a woman who is pregnant and living with the man she loves and plans to marry, in a mutually exclusive relationship as being "crude" is just plain ignorant. "Shacking up"?? Step into the 21st century, lady. I personally know MariaJacinda, and I hate to have to descend to your level of petty ignorance to defend the obvious, but I will do so JUST TO SHOW others on this board how the spirit of a message board is supposed to work.

She came from the heart with a concern of hers, and you proceed to hurl petty insults at her in a feeble attempt to try and assassinate her character or put a dent in her armor?? TRY AGAIN!! She is the very best mom I know, and you or anyone else would be hard-pressed to try and find another woman of such beauty, strength, and grace, who sets a shining example for her little ones DAILY. They live in a brand-new home with their mom, who's ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED...what's the problem?? Events and circumstances in our lives don't always align themselves the way we plan: Did you ever hear of saving up money to allow yourself the wedding you deserve?? Maria does not have to parallel to conformity, OR conduct herself in the "traditionally accepted" fashion to deserve some respect from her fellow ivillage board members!!! You, I, and every person reading this thread knows that "shacking up" insinuates a needling underlying accusation that has always been aimed specifically toward people that are low-life individuals that can't, or won't properly consecrate the lives they've begun with one another by getting married.

And "knocked-up"?? Your insinuation that she thought those two words were crude because HER life choices are crude was a pathetic attempt on your part to escape the culpability that your remark was rude, unfounded, and a pathetic postulation illustrating you grabbing at straws to try and insult a grown woman who has a legitimate issue she wanted to share with mature women on this board, who should be able to articulate themselves without the crutch of trying to exercise superiority through derogatory comments. Too bad you don't make the cut.

If you want to quote the Bible, at LEAST get the MEANING correct: When God told us to take the log out of our own eye before removing the splinter from our brother's, He meant we should clean up our own backyard before judging another. Maria never hurts, or belittles anyone, and conducts herself appropriately at all times. She has EVERY right to be uncomfortable that two almost grown girls with developed bodies hang all over her fiancé in an ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE fashion, not just hugging him, but sitting all over his lap and rubbing all up on him. Let's put the magnifying glass on this one: If you had a daughter, would YOU accept that behavior?? I think not!! Perhaps it's different in the South where she lives now...Maria and I were raised in New York where behavior like this is just GROSS!! and quite like being in the Twilight Zone to witness, actually. She even, in her attempt to keep an open mind, was open to people's opinions on whether this was wrong or not. But you know what?? Just like she spoke for herself, I at that age, OR IN MY CURRENT AGE would feel SHAMEFUL if I sat all over a grown man's lap like that, and was so sticky-all-over-him. By the way, I have an excellent relationship with all the male members of my family--I just have the self-respect to be modest and not constantly put my body all over theirs. Maybe it's not a New York thing, it's just GOOD BREEDING.

Face it, your words were marked with inexcusable failure to exercise the sound judgment you would been privy to had you asked a question or two (again, the POINT of a message board). I've subscribed to a lot of boards, and it's unsophisticated, rigid people like you that usually contaminate the group. You shouldn't spend so much time with your nose up in the air because we can see up it, and it's gross. After all, we all have boogers up there, it's just that you choose to parade yours in front of everyone. "Poor thing" is right.

For the one who said the woman at the concert's comment was extremely inappropriate, actually she hit the nail right on the head. The girl's behavior of that night, and several other days, has garnered many a raised eyebrow and disapproving sideways glance. Maria shared that to illustrate that she has fabricated NONE of this in her head, as strangers in public, providing they aren't in need of glasses, can plainly see the unacceptable nature of this young lady's actions.

In short, have a little empathy for her MariaJacinda's embarrassment and help her work toward a solution in which she can convey her anger to her S.O. without becoming distraught enough to go into premature labor...instead of jumping to the conclusion that she is some silly, trashy girl who has nothing better to do than point the finger where it doesn't belong. Her concerns are completely warranted, and she deserves due respect!!!

Edited 9/14/2004 12:23 am ET ET by brandygurrl


Edited 9/14/2004 12:26 am ET ET by brandygurrl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 1:24am
Maybe you should go talk to Maria's fiance about "letting" the girls rub all over him. HE is the one you should be worried about. If Maria is thinking of marrying this sperm donor of hers, then she needs to observe his behavior and see if it is right. I don't know if I had a couple kids and was expecting another one, if I would be very happy with my fiance letting two teens rub all over him. If it is as bad as you say, Maria should NOT marry this idiot man.

At the very least they should get premarital counseling so somebody else can tell him if he is wrong or not. This MAN of hers is the one who is the ADULT here and at fault if the girls get too cuddly ane he allows or encourages it.

WHY CAN'T MARIA TALK OPENLY TO HER MAN ABOUT THIS ISSUE??????

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