Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy!!
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Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy!!
| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:38pm |
I need help and advice. I'm in a serious relationship with a man whom I love very, very dearly. I honestly and totally believe we're soul mates. We've been together for a year and a half, just bought a house together, and I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with his first child. My family is mostly all up north while his mother, brother, 4 nieces and a nephew all live here in Virginia. The problem is this: Everytime we go to his brothers house his nieces are ALL OVER HIM!!!! The youngest is 10 and is not so much a problem, but the other two are 13 and 15. They hug him when we first get there and from there it's like every 10 or 15 minutes someone has their arms wrapped around him and telling him how much they love him. Now I can appreciate the fact that they love their uncle and are close to him. But I was raised differently. If I were to hang all over any of my uncles, or any male, when I was their age, my mother would have smacked me in my face in front of everyone. I feel it's inappropriate for those young ladies to act like that. And my SO and I have discussed this numerous times. We dont see eye to eye. He thinks I'm just being jealous. I can admit that maybe theres some truth to that but mainly it makes me feel so very uncomfortable to see these teenage girls hanging all over him. They have no respect and no deceny. He tells me "They're just little girls." But they're not. They're 13 and 15. It's to the point where I don't want to go over to his family's house because I don't wanna be put in that uncomfortable position. And his whole family thinks I'm insane for feeling this way. They all say "Maria, he's their uncle. He's known them since they were babies." Oh, so that makes it okay? One more thing I need to mention. Last April we took the oldest niece with us to a Sheryl Crow concert for her birthday. Needless to say, she was walking around holding his hand, walking with her arm around his waist. The woman sitting next to us at the concert asked me if we share him!!!!!!! That right there tells me it's obvious to everyone but him and his family. So am I crazy? Am I just jealous? Am I wrong for feeling this way? And what should I do to overcome this? I don't want to lose the best relationship I've ever had over this but we just can't agree. HELP!!!

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First, I am the mother of three teenagers, two of them girls. I'm in my late 40's and my
husband and I have watched in dismay as behavior that was once (correctly) considered
base and harmful to children has become normalized. We are tired of seeing the damage
done to children and to society as a whole by parents who put their love lives ahead of
their children. Your friend is a perfect example of those who believe that children are
obligated to weather the chaos and uncertainty that arises when the parent "falls in
love." Instead of showing her daughters an example of of discernment and fortitude, she
gets pregnant by her lover and moves in with him, dragging them along with her.
The sacrament of marriage? Oh, we'll get around to it in time, maybe. Good role-
modeling mom. Despite your assertion that MariaJacinda is "the very best" mom you
know, her decisions so far demonstrate otherwise.
Second. The fact that this is the 21st century is a moot point. The morals and values of
societies change, but the needs of children don't.
Third. I found it almost hilarious that MariaJacinda was offended by the behavior of these girls and found it to be "inappropriate." Her own behavior is more inappropriate and would be considered by many to be offensive. For her to bring her pregnant belly around this family and to shove it up their noses, and then to whine about the unladylike behavior of her guy's nieces was the peak of hypocrisy. Yes, she DOES need to clean up her own backyard and to take a good, hard look at her own life.
Last, but not least. The term "unsophisticated" is often used as an affront by those who lack enough imagination to defend their views. From your post, I suspect that you are one of those provincial New Yorkers who pity everyone not fortunate enough to have been raised in your "progressive" environment. I fear that the culture clash between MariaJacinda and her beau's Southern family will bring an end to their relationship. So much for good intentions and "love conquers all."
He does not care about you enough to stop that behavior that HE IS A BIG PART OF! He is the adult and can stop the girls behavior easily.
Who wanted the baby, did you quit taking your birth control to make it happen? Because he seems not to care enough to stop the behavior that is giving you so much pain. You guys need to get into counseling quickly for the baby's sake.
How may kids do you have now, two? This will make three? Where are thier fathers?
That being said, Mariajacinda, if it feels wrong you should go with your instincts. You are pregnant and they are much more acute now. These young girls have raging hormones and no way to release their feelings. Uncle may not understand that and parents don't want to see it. Try and involve the girls, if you can, in activities in which there are boys their own ages. They need to have their attentions redirected away from uncle. Good luck to you and ignore all the negativity on his board. You asked for advice and that is what you need. Not people trying to play God by judging you.
Take a deep breath and give yourself a chance to hear another point of view. All families are different in the way that affection, love and warmth are allowed to be expressed. Clearly, in your family, there were many boundaries and regulations that do not exist in your husband's family. You said your mother would have smacked you across the face for crossing a line. It is easy to understand that the open and abundant show of affection and love and all the physical contact would make you uneasy as it is not something you are used to or raised with. However, in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with it. These girls have been close to their uncle their entire lives and obviously in that family open touching and display of affection is natural. It is you who are making more out of it than it really is. For these girls it is just a continuation of how they have always behaved around him. There are many studies which discuss the pain many young teen-agers feel when suddenly they are no longer allowed to be close to and affectionate with their family members because they have grown up. His family is more open about allowing this to continue. It is not sexual or romantic for these girls. It is simply stirring up your own feelings of jealousy and lack of confidence. You say that they are teen age girls, so perhaps you feel competetive with them or compare yourself to them as well?
Clearly, you have a wonderful relationship here and it would be a terrible shame for you to destroy it due to this. You need to work on your own sense of confidence, self esteem and desirability. If it is not these girls, then in a long life, someone else will come along and can easily
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You are so right about him just not wanting to see it because he loves his nieces alot. It was never a question of him NOT caring for my feelings; He's the most attentive man I've ever met and always tries to see my point. Had anybody on this thread bothered to ask before jumping down my throat I would have been able to explain that he is more than willing to listen and even do something to change it - I was just looking for advice on how to accurately articulate what I was feeling to him without alienating him because I do care about his family. Most poignant of all, I wanted to express that my S.O is the most non confrontational person that I've ever met. He backs away from conflicts because he's so calm and even tempered. Sometimes people like that just need a little nudge in the right direction because they'd rather not face up to the problem at hand.
Once again, Douri, thank you so much for listening me and allowing me to express myself. It made a huge difference. I look forward to talking with you again.
Thanks again!
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