Someone Help Me Please!
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Someone Help Me Please!
| Sat, 02-02-2008 - 2:59pm |
I've been with my boyfriend 8yrs in July 08. He is 40 has never been married,no kids and to be honest I'm his 1st real relationship.
On the other hand,I was married at 18.
I have 2 adult daughters and have had more than one real relationship.
I'm 43 and still HOT!
Many people think I'm in my 20's but it's just good genes and working out all my life.
We moved in together 15mths ago. Still! No ring,no proposal.I'm in my prime I could have sex with him everyday if possible,but not realistic. I don't excepted him to either. Him,once every other week,if that!
He's in perfect shape,he's a Personal Trainer and has no medical problems if you know what I mean? When we 1st started dating it was great. He was very romantic and spontaneous. I know after a certain time in a relationship that there is a change. It's a natural thing cause love goes thru different stages and I understand all that. I'v always been pretty at ease with my sexuality. No hang ups,no body image issues. I'm very free and open to most things when it comes between my man and me. The majority of the time I would plan sexy nights for him and I. For 6 yrs. we would be only able to make love on weekends due to our work schedules and because we lived a part. Occasionally,on a week day. But after a while even one time a week was becoming a thing of the past. When I would try to talk to him about it he would get very defensive. It got to the point that no matter how I'd try to live with it. It was just build up inside till one day I would just explode. That lead to big arguments and even a 2 1/2mths. break up that he asked for. I have to say, during those 2 1/2 mths. was the most heartbreaking,painful time in our relationship. But I was so angry at him that even though he tried to write me via e-mail. My pride wouldn't let me answer even though I was slowly dying inside. Finally one day I answered his e-mail and we got back together. The sex was back again like in the beginning but slowly it returned to the once every 2 weeks issue. But I never brought it up again in fear that it would cause another break up and maybe a permanent one. When he finally made a decision for us to move in together. I thought that maybe then we would make love more because we'd spend more time together. At 1st it was good then he went back to the ole' routine. I would do everything to get he's interest. Don't get me wrong he loves holding my hand when we walk or we are just sitting. He's very playful and fun loving which I love about him. But actual love making is like a mission to be accomplished!I dress sexy for him and surprise him sexy text messages. Sometimes he response and sometimes he doesn't. Most of the time he just plain ignores my advances. When he rejects me it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough. One day when he wasn't home he forgot to close down he's computer.I found that he had been watching porn a lot of porn.
I was able to get his password,so everyday I'd check to see if he'd been watching.I found 100 clips. When confronted he'd get upset and we get in to really bad arguments. I feel he doesn't want to admit that this has been a problem for a long time. The only reason now is that I know of it and I see why there is a difference in our sex life. He has a fetish for,"Big Booty" women and men with "Big *ocks". What the hell?? I have a nice size,round behind,but I can't compete with these women. I feel in adequate! He rather watch porn than have sex with me. I'm HOT in bed,I'm game. I wear sexy lingerie do what he likes. So why? Help me please! I'm in so much pain over this.
On the other hand,I was married at 18.
I have 2 adult daughters and have had more than one real relationship.
I'm 43 and still HOT!
Many people think I'm in my 20's but it's just good genes and working out all my life.
We moved in together 15mths ago. Still! No ring,no proposal.I'm in my prime I could have sex with him everyday if possible,but not realistic. I don't excepted him to either. Him,once every other week,if that!
He's in perfect shape,he's a Personal Trainer and has no medical problems if you know what I mean? When we 1st started dating it was great. He was very romantic and spontaneous. I know after a certain time in a relationship that there is a change. It's a natural thing cause love goes thru different stages and I understand all that. I'v always been pretty at ease with my sexuality. No hang ups,no body image issues. I'm very free and open to most things when it comes between my man and me. The majority of the time I would plan sexy nights for him and I. For 6 yrs. we would be only able to make love on weekends due to our work schedules and because we lived a part. Occasionally,on a week day. But after a while even one time a week was becoming a thing of the past. When I would try to talk to him about it he would get very defensive. It got to the point that no matter how I'd try to live with it. It was just build up inside till one day I would just explode. That lead to big arguments and even a 2 1/2mths. break up that he asked for. I have to say, during those 2 1/2 mths. was the most heartbreaking,painful time in our relationship. But I was so angry at him that even though he tried to write me via e-mail. My pride wouldn't let me answer even though I was slowly dying inside. Finally one day I answered his e-mail and we got back together. The sex was back again like in the beginning but slowly it returned to the once every 2 weeks issue. But I never brought it up again in fear that it would cause another break up and maybe a permanent one. When he finally made a decision for us to move in together. I thought that maybe then we would make love more because we'd spend more time together. At 1st it was good then he went back to the ole' routine. I would do everything to get he's interest. Don't get me wrong he loves holding my hand when we walk or we are just sitting. He's very playful and fun loving which I love about him. But actual love making is like a mission to be accomplished!I dress sexy for him and surprise him sexy text messages. Sometimes he response and sometimes he doesn't. Most of the time he just plain ignores my advances. When he rejects me it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough. One day when he wasn't home he forgot to close down he's computer.I found that he had been watching porn a lot of porn.
I was able to get his password,so everyday I'd check to see if he'd been watching.I found 100 clips. When confronted he'd get upset and we get in to really bad arguments. I feel he doesn't want to admit that this has been a problem for a long time. The only reason now is that I know of it and I see why there is a difference in our sex life. He has a fetish for,"Big Booty" women and men with "Big *ocks". What the hell?? I have a nice size,round behind,but I can't compete with these women. I feel in adequate! He rather watch porn than have sex with me. I'm HOT in bed,I'm game. I wear sexy lingerie do what he likes. So why? Help me please! I'm in so much pain over this.

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As painful as this has been for you, at least you've now got a reason for him not wanting sex.
Mely -
This is just my 2 cents.
Welcome to the board melyluvsal,
I totally agree with true.blue.strine, as long as he's using porn instead of having sex with you, the problem has his. And I do NOT believe he's using porn to keep up with you.
I've just re-read your post and there is another issue that I've thought of.
Thanks for your opinion! But sex addict I'm not. Did you read my message correctly.
I DO NOT ask for a lot of sex, 1 time a week is sufficient. Is that too much to ask for in a relationship? I don't think so....
It's when it goes into 2 weeks and nothing,mean while I'll see he's been watching porn instead.
I don't always dress sexy and spend money on sexy lingerie but he told me himself he enjoys when I put sexy lingerie on. So occasionally, I'll put some thing sexy cause he is very "visual",like most men.
The majority of the time I don't put anything sexy on but to spice things up I will.
Text messages we do all the time, either just say "I'm on my way home" or to simply say,
"I love you". When I send a send a "sexy" text is to keep his couriosity spiked.
Actually, I heard this is a good idea from a "Relationship Expert".
Obviously,you didn't read what I wrote carefully. I'm a lil' annoyed by your comment cause you have it all wrong and thought I totally explained myself. Believe me I know more than enough that 1-2 times a week is good enough,but it's not even that. Also, I don't throw myself at him, if anything I wait for him to initiate.
When I have tried at times to initiate he would reject me and that would be after 1 week of waiting.
So please read my message again and then if you'd like leave me your opinion.
Thank you,
Melissa
I'm sorry, you know you are right. I didn't mention anything besides sex. We have a great relationship I am very much in love with him. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. We spend quality time together,whether it be doing music together(he plays guitar and I'm a singer) or just watching a good ball game. We cook,clean together,we both love to make each other laugh. He respects me and trusts me,I as well. Even though,I have been feeling a less secure than usual but it's only because of what's been going on.
I admit lately,I have felt a lil' suspicious and less trustful.Never the less,we share the same values and interests and are very compatible. We support each other when we need it. As a matter of fact,I've never had a man,like the man I found in him.
That's why I was so disappointed when I found out he was secretly watching porn.
Listen,I don't have a problem with porn.
I actually have bought porn for him and I to watch. But he said he felt uncomfortable watching it with me. I respected that he felt that way and never pursued it again.
What bothers me is that he tends to replace porn with our love life,that's the problem!
My only issue with him is that he takes me for granted when it comes to lovemaking.
Actually I had a long discussion with him yesterday and spoke to him about how I felt.
He apologized and ask me for forgiveness. I ask him if he is willing to go seek help with a "Couples" counselor. We both know that we have a really hard time trying to solve this issue alone. If we want to make it work we have to get a mediator to help us figure out what to do. This is one of the reason why I joined this discussion group.
I felt that I could find help in some way.
He agreed to seek help and also promised to make an effort with the lovemaking and the romance issues.
Thank you so much for your show of interest in my case. It's very helpful to have other people's opinion especially when you don't know me personally.
Yours truly,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
First let me say I truly sympathize with your situation .. I understand how hard it is .. I have the same problem with my live in bf .. he isnt addicted to porn(not that I know of) but we barely have sex compared to when we first were dating or even when we moved in together .. and that seriously bothers me .. I dont ask for sex everyday but after all these years I still want to have sex with him daily if I could .. or close to ... but he always has some kind of excuse and not only that .. when we do have sex I always have to initiate or if I dont we DONT do it at all .. the more I initiate the more I feel worse about myself .. I feel like I am not attractive enough to keep him interested in me etc.. but I know hes a man .. and most men I know are sexual beings .. yea he might not want to do it everyday .. but WE live together so to me .. once every two weeks is just not enough for me! I dont know what to do in my situation and I have tried talking to him about it several times but each time he says .. oh its me .. not you .. i just get too tired bla bla and then thats it .. I have asked him to get help if he needs some kind of help but still he says no he doesnt need help .. hes attracted to me and very turned on by me .. but still we have sex if I am lucky ONCE a week or not at all .. I am at the point where I dont even bother to do anything anymore .. if he wants it whatever and if not .. oh well I will just have to do it myself.. last week I even went toy shopping for myself because I am truly fed up of forcing someone to have sex with me .. I know I am attractive because daily guys hit on me or do the lick lips number ... so why make myself feel like crap begging this guy to have sex with me .. I am not going to do it anymore!
I am not saying be like me and give up but I just want to share my story .. dont know if its going to work for me .. but at least I wont feel like a complete slut begging the man I love and live with to sleep with me .. URGH it kills my self esteem so I am not going to keep hurting myself! I dont think
I know that you aren't married, but you are dealing with the same things as the women on the Relationships Damaged by Pornography board. You didn't cause this and there is no reason for your self esteem to take a nose dive, but it inevitably does when you've got your partner addicted to porn.
Thank you Carrie,
I'm happy to be here. I really need this to be able to figure things out.
Actually,things are looking up. I spoke with my b/f about how I felt and I believe he
was really trying to understand. I've been out of a job for 2 months but last Friday that all changed. I got hired to work for a Dr. @ a NY hospital. Thank God...anyway.
So I'll be home till I start on the 11th. Al comes home for lunch and stays a couple of hours before he goes back to work.
He works at a local gym as a trainer. I was washing my mug at the sink and he came up
from behind and ask me how I was feeling. Well I don't want to get too graphic but let's
just say. We ended up on the sick,then the bed. It was GREAT!
Now was that so hard? Geeeezzzz.....finally some spontaneity! I know for a fact that he was really into it. I'm not going to get too excited as of yet. We'll see how it goes,if he will
continue or go back as before. But I must say I'm one happy women...LOL!
Thanks again for helping a girl out,after all we women need to stick together and UNITE!
Melissa,
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