Someone PLEASE give me advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Someone PLEASE give me advice!
5
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:43pm
I have really gotten myself into a mess!! First, I am dating, and have fallen in love with a man who is married but is separated from his wife. They have yet to start the divorce process. We have been together for 6 months (5 of which we have been living together). I'm 20 and hes 34. He has two kids (his son is 3 and his daughter is 10, both are incredably wonderful). We live about a hour away and seeing his kids doesnt happen on a regular basis. Second, he moved in with me which would not be a problem if I didnt live with my father and two siblings. I had to move back in after fleeing from a very abusive relationship about a year and a half ago (my ex was bi polar not on medication& refused to see a therapist, and stopped working the last 8 months I was with him). He doenst want to bring the kids up here for fear of adding to the chaos. He is also really depressed without his kids (but has only let it show a couple of times). This puts a definate strain on things.

So about a month ago his brother called from Oregon saying the company he works for has tons of job openings, and the opportunity to make more money. We live in Hawaii, so that would be quite a move. His wife is thinking about moving to California next summer, which would make it easier to see the kids. I was thrilled to hear that, and have been thinking of moving over there for a few years now.

THIRD, over the past couple of months his work load has decreased to pretty much nothing (he worked as a sub doing irrigation, which he hates). His last actual paycheck was a couple of weeks ago. So I am basically supporting both of us for now. He has a 2002 truck that he is paying for, which I paid one months loan on already($455.00!!). Plus have taken care of rent the entire time($5oo a month).

He has treated me better then anyone every has. So I keep wanting to believe him when he says "once we move to Oregon I am going to support you completely while you go to school". Wishfull thinking I know.

Oh ya and I was recently diagnosed with chronic depression on top of it all.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE someone give me some advice! I am starting to feel taken advantage of, but really want to make this work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:59am
I dont know where to start.... Let me say this is quite a mess... So you fell in love with a guy in which who isn't officially divorced, has two kids,lives with you and your father 2 siblings, and you basically support the both of you???? That is alot. let me play devils advocate. I personally think that you mean well with the whole marriage he is currently in but, you are not helping. 1 month isn't enough to know a person and move in. It is a convience, its a crutch a place to go to get away from your troubled marriage. Plus he is away from his kids. I bet it is hard on them not have a mother and a father in the home plus your father hardly sees you. that is alot for a child to deal with. Supporting him emotionally and financially isn't helping either. It is not your responsibility to support him, it is his wife's, remember "he is married" I think even though he treats you better than anyone else, you need to make him move in with his wife and try to work it out. Neither has filed for a divorce yet, that says something. And having a depression illness is just making the whole situation harder on you. Think about yourself first!!!!!!! He says that he will support you, and treats you right and makes future plans you included, he is the opposite of your last bf, that is why you are hooked and dont know how to handle it. He needs to support his kids FIRST before anyone else. You need to step back becuase as much as you want to fix it for him you can't. yOU THINK THAT YOU ARE HELPING IS MAKING IT BETTER BUT IT IS TANGLING THE WEB MORE AND MORE. His children are the ones who are ultimatly suffering from this. And 14 years is quite a difference in age. You need to find someone who is unattached, ambitious, and stable. Not someone who has his own major problems, and pulls you into them. If anything else, back off from this guy make him move out support his self and get his life in order before he starts something new with you. If it isn't just convenient then he would do it, if you are worth it to him. But first be worth it to yourself!

-Janelle

p.s. Let me know how things go!

mattysbabylove@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:14am
I agree with advice given, you should make him fend for himself. He is in the mess by himself and needs to be a man and fix it before you two can really become a couple. You will respect him more in the long run. I am not saying to not be supportive, you are and have been. Just that it is time to make him step up and take action, for the both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 1:37pm
Maybe he should go to Oregon now -- stay with his brother, get a job, and get himself on track. Right now it sounds like there's way too much pressure -- this would give you both enough space to breathe, then you can make good choices about the future that aren't rooted primarily in convenience or necessity... good luck and take care of yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:32pm
Sevral people have said he should go first, I was thinking that would be a good idea also. Buuut since I went up to Alaska for a week (about a month ago) he has said he doesnt want to be without me for that amount of time ever again (even my dad's GF said he was totally lost and zombie-like the whole time I was gone). So now we are thinking of going up early December and staying with his brother for a little while till we find a place and get settled in. I am almost to the point where when we do get up there I may not get a job right off and make him step up like he said he would. Or if I do get a job it'll be part time. His brother is on him all the time to get a resume together so he can give it to the company he works for. So if nothing happens for him job-wise when we get there his brother will be on his back to find something. I also made the suggestion that we save and save and save when we get there so he can fly back here for his son's B-Day, and then have his daughter fly out and see us on her B-Day so he wont miss either one. He seemed much more open to the idea of going now. =P IDK...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 12:08am
I had given you advice initally, I think you are in WAY TOO DEEP. You are saying "we" need to do this and "we" need to save and maybe his kids can fly out and see "us"???? I think that this relationship will go no where. YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE! he needs to BE A MAN ALREADY. And about him being a zombie when you were gone?????? He was reacting from " I need someone to take care of me syndrome. You dad's girlfriend, your family needs to support you in making the right decision not encourage to mess up your life. MAKE THAT DECISION FOR YOURSELF. THIS GUY IS A CHILD AND HIS KIDS ARE THE LAST ON HIS LIST OF PRIORTIES. IF YOU ARE COUNTING OF HIS BROTHER TO GET ON HIM THEN YOU ALREADY SEE THAT HE NEEDS TO GROW UP. WAKE UP AND STOP BEING USED!!!!!!!

-Janelle