someone please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
someone please help me.
6
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:13pm

I moved to Sacramento recently and made a few friends. Me & my boyfriend decided to choose a long distance relationship. Everything was great. I mean we had our ups & downs But overall things were perfect. We don't see each other as much as we used to. But its mostly every 2-3 weeks he comes over for the weekend.
I was hanging out with one of my friends i met. He just happened to be a guy. He took me to a party and it was my fault. i thought i could trust him. i was having too much fun i decided to drink alittle too much. Even though i told him when i first met him i have a boyfriend, he took advantage and we had sex. When i realized what was happening I got my things & left. I was so ashamed of what i did I had to write my feelings out because i was to scared to admit to anyone i cheated on my boyfriend. I was always against cheaters. I hated anyone who would do anything like that.
I decided that i would not tell him because i knew things would be over forever. And i couldnt stand losing him. I know keeping something like that from him is the worst thing i could possibly do. But i couldnt think of another way to say it. So i wrote about it in my diary to get it off my chest.
He came over a few days ago. I was at work. I had a weird feeling in my tummy. I couldnt think the whole day. Something wasnt right. All day long i had this "feeling". i knew something wasnt the same. I got home & he looked the door to my room. i knocked & he finally opened it. i could tell he was crying. He hugged me & said "i did something wrong" i already knew. He read all the things i was ashamed of. Stuff i wish no one ever knew about me. He knew i cheated on him. He screamed & yelled at me the whole day. I couldnt say anything, all my trust was gone. All my words ment nothing. My whole life will never be he same.
He wants to try to make it work. But im so scared he will never get over what i've done to him. i regret it down to the very bottom of my heart. I wish i never hurt him. i cant stand myself. i feel so depressed. in a way i wish he would leave me because i deserve nothing but hate from him. It hurts me that he wants to stay with me. I will never do anything like that again in my life. it affects me so much i cant even live with myself and what ive done.

Even though i was "drunk" theres no excuse for what i did.
Im giving up my whole life to be with him.
no more parties, no more drinking, no more being alone with people.
i lost his trust. and now i have rules.
IM trying so hard to prove im worth his time.
im scared he might take advantage of what ive done.
i dont know what to expect.
please help me anyway you can.
advice anything.

thanks for reading.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:23pm

Welcome to the board smiffers,


It really sounds like you are beating yourself up over cheating on your bf. I really think you would benefit from some individual counseling to help you deal with your feelings of depression, guilt, etc.


Does you bf think he will be able to forgive you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:27pm
he says he forgives me. i dont expect him to forget about it. but it hurts hearing comments from him about it everyday. i cant believe i could do something so hurtful to him. he was the best. he keeps blaming himself, "what did i do wrong?" and that makes me feel worse every time i hear that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:42pm
He has to make a choice. Either he forgives you and wants to move on or he doesn't and he keeps reminding you of what you did. It doesn't work both ways. He can't say 'I want to stay in this relationship and improve it and forgive you' and then blame you every day. I suggest you either do something proactive like see a couples counselor together or break up and realize that you make a big mistake and learn from it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:54pm
thanks for your help.
i appreciate it very much.
<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:59pm

First of all, homeboy shouldn't have been snooping! Your diary is private and you are allowed privacy. I hope you made that clear to him.

Now about the cheating... It was a mistake. It's done. You have to forgive yourself and deal with the consequences. Your BF may or may not be able to forgive you. It's out of your control at this point. Just keep telling him that it will never happen again (which it won't, right?) and that you hope you two can work through it.

Good luck.

(PS. There might be a journaling software available online for free download. You can set a password to it and use all kinds of fonts and colors too.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:14pm

i tried to say that he shouldnt have been snooping. but it got turned around on me.
i shouldnt have dont that in the first place.

but thats for the online journal.
ill keep that in mind from now on.