Someone please help..I am so lonely!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Someone please help..I am so lonely!
12
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 11:47am
My husband and I got married at 19. We have been married for 16 years. We are truely best friends. Overall he treats me great. He is very sweet, caring, understanding, he is a wonderful father to our 11 year old child, and shares in all of the parental responsibilities that exist with a pre-teen. The three of us have a lot fun together. The problem? We have not had sex for 1 year and 7 months. He hasn't hugged me, or said he loves me, or so much as touch me when we pass, without it being initiated by me. I keep in shape, I am 5.10 and wear a Junior 11/12. Another thing I had implants in 11/02 he has not once touched them. He brags about them. He was all for the surgery.I also find porn on his PC. Normally I would not care but now I feel so unattractive and I am so insecure. I can't believe the things I once found to be so minor, now are so hurtful because I feel so unattractive. I have talked with him until I am blue in the face. He says he still finds me attractive, that he still desires me. But,after each of these talks I always feel good and positive. Nothing happens. Now I am to the point where I am angry inside. i do not want to be around him. I find it more ralxing o be alone. The thought of being with somelse gets more inviting. Recently, I have had the pleasure of being reminded that men find me attractive as hell. That was a nice reminder. Yet, he has no clue. He is so secure in our realtionship to the point of taking advantage of it. He knows where i am at all times and vice versa, but he will stop at the bars on the way home for a drink with his friends, if I did that he would be blown away. So, what to do. Half the time I fell I have no right to complain because he is very good to me. But I ache for a hug, or a kiss or even a hand on my shoulder as he walks by.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 11:54am
Why did you have the implants? Yes, my question relates to your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:21pm
Hi! That's got to hurt, the situation you described. Is it possible that your husband stuffs his feelings, bites his tongue and lets resentments build-up? It sounds like he's disaffected from you for some reason, but not openly hostile. It sounds like he's just going through the motions. Have you thought of marriage counseling? There's something wrong if he doesn't touch you, finds you physically attractive and looks at porn. Perhaps he'd be better-off to do some individual counseling, also, or maybe only, so he'd feel more free to talk openly. He may be hiding something from you. I wish you all the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:39pm
it is time to communicate with him and seek marriage counseling. When is the last time you talked to him about what is lacking and what you are feeling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:14pm
There is something going on within him he needs to seek counseling!

Just know it is not you at all! It sounds like you have so much going on for you except he in no way shows physical love! Don't blame yourself it's HIM!!!

Talk to him get him to seek some kind of help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:16pm
Well, I was a very perky 36 C. Then on my 30th B-day after having sex, I noticed they were looking to the side, not at the cieling. At first my husband said he didn't think it was a good idea. Then a year later I was still disscussing it, he said he felt it was not needed but I should do what I wanted.. I actually went for a lift, but my Dr. laughed and said I was far above the natural breast line and he would not do a lift. He explained the fullness on top of the breast was no longer there and that is exactly what I was seeing..so I am now a FULL D+ not a DD, and not PORN like, very natural.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:27pm
We talk about it at least once a month. he says there are so many stressful things going on that "he can't fix" everything at the same time. Like I said, sometimes I feel terrible for even complaining, because he is very attentive, he calls during the day to tell me something funny, we laugh, hang out, he spoils me on holidays. He is the best friend anyone could want...I need a sexual relationship
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:37pm
Thanks-Sometimes I feel like he is with me because it is easier than not being with me. I have even asked him if he is with me because of our daughter. I have asked if he misses the closeness. Of course he says all the right things. Discussing all this irritates him. Plus, I doubt he would say, "Yes dear I am only with you because of our child." or "No dear I am not attracted to you at all." What to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 3:43pm
Based on your post, it sounds like overall, you have a great foundation in your relationship. After so much time together, that is extremely special that you two share all of those things together, still. But, nothing replaces that physical/emotional connection/closeness you get from just simple gestures, to intimacy.

Your husband needs to take some ownership in this problem and responsibility -- this is a two way street, and this should be something you can work on together, and individually. If he cares about how you are feeling and sees that you are hurting because of this problem, he should give these issues more thought. You said you have talked about this until you're blue and he still hasn't taken action? There can definitely be a myriad of other factors that are causing this response in him --stress, issues with self, issues with the relationship, etc. He needs to recognize that just because he "has" been with you, doesn't mean he can just stop doing those loving things that ultimately make a relationship continue to thrive. Just like if one stops watering their garden that has been healthy overall, weeds will grow and the beautiful flowers will be damaged.

But, these issues cannot be identified or be brought up openly if he is not willing to seek help or at least give your qualms/suggestions some serious thought. If he doesn't see a problem, and is fine with how things are, that could also cause a lot of difficulty. The more resentment and anger that builds within you, the more damage to your relationship. That is why it is important for you to suggest counseling very soon. Approach him in a caring, loving manner and explain to him that you miss that closeness and would like to discuss this issue with a non-biased third party who could possibly give ideas and help you through this (be specific about the exact behaviors that you desire from him and how long you have been feeling this way., that you have felt talking to him about this hasn't worked.... even ask him for suggestions in a non-accusatory manner). His words need to be supported by actions. Just have a to ask some questions for more info:

Has he always been this way, or has there been a noticably different change in behavior? This is important. Did something happen between the time he was more willing and desiring to do those things, until now? Did he used to initiate, and also do those simple gestures that you crave now without you asking -- even years into your relationship?

Do you initiate with the loving gestures you desire? If you do, what is his response? Exactly how long has this been an issue?

G702

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 9:13pm
Thank you for the advise. This has been an issue for 1 year and 7 months. We both always initiated sexual advances. Then slowley but surely when I approched him he always declined.I got tired of being turned down, so then it was up to him. But even during that if I tried he turned me down. Then from there we no longer kissed. We used to have great heated make out sessions before sex. Then that stopped, and he would always start off with giving me a back massage, and would always prevent me from turning over. Trust me I didn't mind. Then from there it just all stopped.

We had a great sex life no inhibitions. But now, I am "the wife" or "the housemate", I am no longer the vixen, or mistress. I feel as if he does not see me in a sexual way at all.

Like that movie with Al Pacino, he gets caught by a friend with his mistress. His friend says "I am sure your wife would be willing to satisify you that way?" AL Pacino says "Are you kidding, no way. That's my wife, she kisses my children with that mouth."

The other day he just got out of the shower he had no shirt on, I could actually remember how his skin felt, and how...sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:02am
So are you going to take proactive approaches? Via -- individual/couples counseling, open/honest communication with him.... I understand you must feel very hurt by this rejection.... If you have such a good foundation, and overall he treats you so well, and you still desire this from him, and if he can learn to have those desires again once his issues are resolved, I cannot see why you both cannot work through this together... It needs to be a two way street with 100% effort/willingness on both parts... Are you both willing to go there?

Are you ready for the work that will be involved (is HE and this relationship worth it to you?), or will you continue to build more resentment, and grow more unhappy and lacking, and possibly start gaining interest and an ego boost from other men? That wont be the way to go... That could only cause trouble at the state you are in... I know you feel lonely, and desire to feel wanted, appreciated, and beautiful again by your husband, but gain fulfillment through other means like friends, activities, and YOU. Work on this relationship first, and if he is willing, you are very lucky, and so is he, to have someone like you. If he is not, then you have your answer.

G702

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