someone please talk to me(confused!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
someone please talk to me(confused!)
4
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:12pm
My boyfriend and i have been going out for 2 1/2 months and i thought i finally met a real old fashioned gentleman.he never got out of the way with me and the farthest we ever went was a friendly goodnight kiss. i went over to his place yesterday to hang out and i got tired and we decided that we would lay in his bed and take a nap. the next thing that happened is that he kissed me and before i knew it, our clothes were on the floor. we did not have sex but i felt horrible and he said that he did to and it was just the attraction we had for one another. well, i couldnt look him in the eye and told him to take me home. i worried that he isnt the nice guy i thought or is he? he blames it on mere attraction, but i never did anything so dissrectful like this befor. should i dump him because i cant get this out of my head.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:23pm
You cannot rely on other people to "enforce your boundaries".

You cannot personally engage in behavior or situations that is going to potentially result in YOU violating your own boundaries and then put your feelings that result from those situations, or blame for those situations off on other people.

You two laid down in a bed....you're in a "romantic dating liason" - meaning there is physical attraction....and now you're upset that YOU ended up naked with him?

Makes no sense. If you don't want to put yourself into positions that you feel you might not be able to restrain yourself - then don't take naps in beds with guys that you're physically attracted/attractive to or get yourselves into situations or circumstances with them where you might not be able to control yourself.

It's not his fault that he finds you attractive, and that in this situation you were so willing to go this far.

He has no aversion or objection to what you two did, he doesn't think it was wrong, and he doesn't think less ofyou for doing it. He did what he did because he wanted to and his values justified it.

He's just been waiting for this type of interaction probably until you initiated, or until "the situation arose" that you didn't object.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:24pm
I have to say I agree with Erin on this one.

You said he felt bad, maybe because you felt bad.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:32pm
I'm sorry if this is a silly question but why do you not want to be intimate with him? You said he is your boyfriend of two and a half months and sex is very common for relationships. Are you trying to wait for marriage? If so does he understand that? Why do you feel so badly about it when you didn't even have sex? By all means if you feel uncomfortable with him and cannot stop thinking about it, don't see him anymore. But don't confuse your feelings about being intimate and him having bad intentions toward you. It sounds to me like he was respectful by not trying to take it farther when you objected, and most of the time wanting to be intimate with someone you care about is a sign of wanting to be closer to you, not disrespectful. Maybe if the two of you talk about this and get it all out in the open you can get this sorted out. Lastly you shouldn't feel badly for wanting to be with someone! Love is very beautiful. But if you have decided to wait then more power to you, and be proud of yourself because you haven't broken that committment to yourself! Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:38pm
you all are right and your responses are what i couldnt see for myself. i know im mixed up with my feelings, i guess because ive been through alot by just getting out of a serious relationship of 9 years that involved 2 kids and a lot of putting up with things on my part. he is the only one to actually think about me and i knew something was different about him since our first conversation and may sound crazy, but my heart said he was the one and that scared me to denyal. he feels the same about me and he expressed this.i guess its my past holding me back (and my ex that constantly bothering me). thank ladies.