Something Else Bothering Her?
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| Mon, 11-19-2007 - 9:06am |
I'll get right to it:
A little background: I am a 33 year old white male, my wife is a 30 year old black female. No problems in the racial/religious front.
My family was a bit callous and insensitive (my mom made abrasive remarks to my wife repeatedly) so I basically disowned my family. They refused to see the hurt their words caused and so to support my wife and commit myself to my wife and my own new family, I broke off contact with mine. This was 4 months ago. It still hurts but I'm cutting out all negativity from my life, regardless of who is the source of it.
Anyway, Saturday night my wife and I were discussing what to do on Sunday. We both agreed to each clean 1/2 of the house. My wife said that she wanted 30 minutes of alone time in the den to watch TV and have a quiet morning. No problem. We went to sleep.
We both woke up at 7:00am on Sunday. She went to the front room, I went to the computer room and did some browsing. 7:30 rolls around and I hear the vacuum going in front of the house. I'm a bit hungry so I decide to grab a bowl of cereal. Then I start my cleaning.
Because she started cleaning sooner than me, she finished earlier. She went back to the den and watched TV and made some calls to her family to discuss Thanksgiving. She was on the phone a good hour or 2 talking to her family. I occasionally went into the den to see what she was doing but I wasn't really fond of what she was watching on TV, plus she was on the phone. I told her to say hi to her mom for me, etc. All was well.
1:30pm rolls around and I get hungry. The weekends are her days to cook (I get home from work 3:30pm so I cook on weekdays). However she's still on the phone and doesn't appear to be getting off anytime soon. So I boil up some water quick and make myself a little cup of Ramen noodles. I bring it into the den to sit by her on the couch as I read the paper a bit.
After she gets off the phone she explodes on me. Tells me that she was planning on making breakfast and that instead of assuming she wasn't and getting cereal, I should have asked her if she was making breakfast. She also explodes on me about lunch and says why couldn't I make her a cup of noodles.
I ask her why it falls on me to ask her if she's going to make breakfast. I tell her that if she planned on making it (and she admitted to planning on making breakfast the night before, she just didn't tell me about it!!), why didn't she tell me she planned on making it? Her rationale was, "Well, you know I make breakfast on Sunday's." which to me wasn't feasible because LAST Sunday she didn't make breakfast!
As far as lunch, I told her that 1) I didn't want to interrupt her when she was on the phone, and 2) if I was actually preparing and cooking a lunch, I would have asked her if she wanted something but for something as trivial as Ramen Noodles, I didn't see any point.
So we didn't talk for awhile and finally she came into the den, where I was, and said: "Fine, from now on I'll cook for myself and do everything for myself. Oh, and I'm going down to my family's for Thanksgiving. You can spend Thanksgiving with your family."
She always does this. When we fight, she always has to go to the lowest possible level to hurt me the most. Instead of talking out the problem, she resorts to extremes such as saying she will cook for herself from now on. And for her to use my family against me when she knows I disowned them, for her, is an especially low blow.
Can anyone shed some light on this? What's the deal? I'm getting fed up.
Thanks in advance.
Edited 11/19/2007 9:08 am ET by daboosh

While I don't think that she really means what she says, and she's only saying it at the time because she is angry, it's not right of her to stoop that low just to get back at you.
How about the next time you're both in a good mood, not on the heels of a fight, you tell her that it hurts you when she makes statements like that. If she doesn't stop, then you should take them seriously, and let her see the reality of those statements. Let her try to spend Thanksgiving alone; my guess is that she'll realize the weight of her words before it comes to that. But she should know that her words do hurt you.
Thanks for the reply Eggbert. :)
Definitely sound advice. I've told her before that it hurts me when she says things like that. In the moment, she acknowledges it and apologizes but it happens again and again.
We've been barely married a year yet but I'm beginning to realize that I think she has trouble implicitly trusting someone.
For example:
1) I used to smoke. She hates smoking. Before we were dating I told her, 'If the right woman came along and she didn't like smoking, I would quit for her.'
1 week before our first date, I quit smoking cold turkey and haven't smoked since July 2nd, 2006.
2) I was HEAVY into motorcycles. It was my life. Before we were dating I told her that if I found the right woman, I would quit riding for her because I've known too many bikers in the past that have died while riding and left behind young wives and small children. I would never put my 'future family' through that so I quit riding when it looked like we were ready to get engaged.
In addition, I sold my motorcycle and used the money to buy her a big fat engagement ring.
Now these are sacrifices I readily and willingly made. I sacrificed my selfish endeavors for family life. I'm cool with it.
But anytime 'sacrifice' is mentioned, and in response I bring up smoking and my motorcycle, she says, "You didn't give those up FOR me.". It's as if she doesn't want to face that because maybe then she would feel that I have some sort of 'hold' over her.
Maybe she's afraid that I would use that against her like she uses my family against me. Unfortunately she couldn't be more wrong because I wouldn't do something like that to someone I love.
Anyway, I can't stand fighting. I'm always ready and willing to makeup but she keeps it going.
Can't figure it out...
That's the thing when you first get married - you start learning how the other person really is, and sometimes it takes a little or a lot of time for you to adjust to certain things about your partner. And the way people fight is a very critical point as to the way they are. She probably won't be able to change the way she is completely, maybe she can make a few
Welcome to the board daboosh,
Would the two of you be willing to go to marriage counseling to work through these issues?
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Welcome to the board daboosh,
Personally, I think she picked a fight with you to go to her family's for Thanksgiving alone.