Something my DD said....
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Something my DD said....
| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:35am |
I have a 16 yr old daughter who is dating and she and I have a discussion about not letting her BF, rule the roost so to speak. She is not going to the sophmore prom, matter of fact she has only gone to one dance this year. He BF doesn't like dances and proms and I told her, do not let him get away with that, if you want to go he will have to deal with it, don't miss out on those things just because he doesn't like stuff like that, do not sell yourself short or do things just because of him. She came back with..you should talk, I said excuse me??? She said yeah, I think M treats you ust like R did R is old BF that was not a good choice on my part and broke my heart and she hated him, R that is.
I said what do you mean, she said I think M treats you like crap. I said give me an example of what youa re talking about, she like last Sunday whne M was acting like a huge baby because he was doing house stuff and was upset cuz we were watching a movie, he acted all put out and stuff and you tried to make him not upset.
It really hurt me she said this stuff, maybe it hit a nerve. I never saw this behavior in me. I do not think M treats me anywhere near how badly R treated me. He cheated on me, big difference.
It would take too long to explain every aspect of our relationship in this post.
And don't tell me to dump him, sometimes people on her jump the gun and say oh jump him.
We live together and have been together a very long time.
He doesn't beat me, or verbally abuse me but he is a perfectionist and frankly a Mr. know it all. Drives me nuts but the man has a heart of gold.
Just because a man is not perfect and has faults doesn't mean we should toss them aside. You have to look at the person as a whole.
But what she said hit home hard. Our of the mouths of babes huh?
Got any suggests or commetns that might help me address this in my self and my relationship.
Thanks
Piccy
I said what do you mean, she said I think M treats you like crap. I said give me an example of what youa re talking about, she like last Sunday whne M was acting like a huge baby because he was doing house stuff and was upset cuz we were watching a movie, he acted all put out and stuff and you tried to make him not upset.
It really hurt me she said this stuff, maybe it hit a nerve. I never saw this behavior in me. I do not think M treats me anywhere near how badly R treated me. He cheated on me, big difference.
It would take too long to explain every aspect of our relationship in this post.
And don't tell me to dump him, sometimes people on her jump the gun and say oh jump him.
We live together and have been together a very long time.
He doesn't beat me, or verbally abuse me but he is a perfectionist and frankly a Mr. know it all. Drives me nuts but the man has a heart of gold.
Just because a man is not perfect and has faults doesn't mean we should toss them aside. You have to look at the person as a whole.
But what she said hit home hard. Our of the mouths of babes huh?
Got any suggests or commetns that might help me address this in my self and my relationship.
Thanks
Piccy

Dear Piccy,
Our children watch us closely as we are their role models. Often they mirror in their own lives the kind of relationships they see us having. We all want to be looked up to and respected by our children, so a comment like the one your daughter made, while perhaps a wake up call, also does hurt. It indicates that you and she need more communication on an on-going basis about how she perceives what's going on and how it's affecting her. She also needs to hear your side of the story - how you feel about your relationship. You are quite right to say that all of us have difficult spots and certainly it is not wise to "throw a person away", because certain areas of their behavior are difficult. Relationships are our teachers. They come to help us learn how to communicate openly, ask for what we want and need in a responsible manner, give what we can, and create rules and boundaries in relationships that work for all concerned. If there is an area that is difficult between you and your boyfriend, this is something that the two of you can deal with. The secret to good communication is not to cast blame, or criticize him, or act like a victim, but first to thank and acknowledge the person for all the good he contributes. Then let him know how a certain behavior is affecting you - and find ways together of making changes. I suggest you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love (and let your daughter read it as well). This book goes into all of these issues in great depth - and includes exercises you can use to work on relationships and love and self worth in your daily life.
All good wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
There's always a comparitive measuring stick - if you use that rather than your own values, standards, principles, requirements, ethics, goals, and priorities. And there is a difference between a person meeting your standards...and meeting your needs. Quite often people can meet your standards...but not your needs. Although it is rare, it is alsoo possible that they'll meet your needs on a myriad of lower-end levels and still not meet your standards.
All you've done is that in comparison to an "abusive" man (R) - that "M" is great. That's comparing him to a negative standard and saying in comparison that is he is just fine. And you took that approach, and have comingled, cohabitated and invested your life.
Your daughter is bringing her point out - because you're telling her to do what YOU DID NOT DO. YOu're telling her that she has to compare this boyfriends actions to HER standards and needs and if he doesn't measure up - move on, or at least communicate and see if resolution can be reached so that she doesn't miss out on the opportunities in her life just becuase "he's uncomfortable".
You're tellling her to do - what you precisely did NOT do in choosing "M". She just bringing that fact to your attention with her statement.
That you're bringing her prioritization and value of his comforts, needs over her own wants and standards is becuase you see her doing "what you've done' - and you regret having done it. Only you're thinking you did it with "R"..and she's realizing you've done that with everybody subsequently, as well.
You want her to do what you didn't...but she's following statistical averages in doing precisely what you've done, and taught her is right to do. She has positive "emotional associations" with those actions of prioritizing him over herself...and she's definitely more emotionally comfortable doing that, than prioritizing herself and potentially losing him and her "identity" as his girlfriend should he choose to break up because she had needs and demands and expects a standard of behavior from him.
She's being you.....you are terrified of that......and she can't stop being you now, unless she decides to stop. She hasn't got a role model that has done what it is you're asking her to do - and asking her to sail out into unchartered waters alone is not something she's likely to do on her own volition. You can't force it.
You're now saying that "M" is a perfectionistic know it all and you want to know how to address this and have that impact your life less...you can't. The 'dynamic' that you two are in - it's comfortable to both of you and it ws sought by both of you. If you try now to institute a more equality based, or mutually beneficial dynamic - the relationship will likely end.
While that wouldn't be a negative thing for your daughter to see - that you're requiring yourself to live by standards and values no matter what.....it might easily at her age cement the impression that if she does not "adhere to a man's demands, priorities and values" - she'll be left on her own.....the problem with her age is that quite often young girls are "identified" by who they're with. They're segregated if they're "without a boyfriend".
And that translates out to wmen our age (40-something) who in not wishing to be segregated and considered "unworthy" - take any man we can get - even if he doesn't meet our needs or standards, it's better than being left without an "identity" since we're "nobody without somebody".
Thank GOD I fell out of that dynamic....and it was a hard fall, well worth it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
hi and hugs.... first of all, i think its great that your dd are able to talk openly. however, something bothered me in your post and i wanted to mention it: its possible that
Well okay, I have a few points that I hope are helpful:
1.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
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