Sometimes I wonder

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sometimes I wonder
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 11:31am

I  got out of an extremely toxic and loveless 7 year relationship. I was unhappy for years and was told that I could never makeit on my own. I held on for so long because I felt helpless and because we had two kids. 


Anyways since then I have moved on and have found happiness. I definitely know now what it feels like to be loved and to love. I don't feel controlled and I feel like I am able to be the person I am meant to be, not who some one else want me to be.We recently moved in with each other and things are going good but problems are starting to a raise, some that I don't know if I'm over reacting. 


First, he has three kids all the same ages as mine and he has been divorced for a couple years. I am the first relationship since then. Him and his ex are still really, really close and still expects a lot from him. I told him it bugs me how close they still are and that I want to be the one he turns to, not her. He has since only communicated about their kids and cut out all the other. Which is great, but am I in the wrong? 

My problem is that he's always broke. OK, I get it as I am a single mom and I have NO support from anyone else but MYSELF. But all his money goes to his ex. They agreed on a certain amount and he pays it. But she's unemployed and asks him  to provide more means since she's not. And for the sake of pleasing her, he gives her more.. And more.. And more. we recently  had to cancel our plans this weekend because she told him that she needed money to buy the kids food (HEALREADY PAID his support this month) I am in confusion as to why she needed more money. She lives with her parents and pays no rent, has no car payment, no child care payment, and receives unemployment in addition to child support. So he agreed and gave her an extra 200 so she could feed the kids....... I was so ticked because he lives with me, he is nearly always broke and I have to pick up the slack. 


But it got me thinking  is he ever going to be a provider for me and my family or are we going to keep coming across this?He's really good at heart and makes me feel happy but I am letting this financial issue get in the way. I keep hoping that he'll overcome this financial runt that he's in but I still feel she'll still keep asking for more. Did I mention that she still tries to have control over him? She told him that she wants him to get sniped because she doesn't want him have anyone else kid??  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:55pm

I assume that the 2nd poster is a man & I'm interested to see his response (sorry if I'm wrong about that).  I think a lot of divorced men feel over obligated to their exes.  Yes they are obligated to support their kids--the court has already determined that they should pay a certain amt. in child support and they should pay that.  I've been divorced (mom) 15 yrs--my ex has always paid c.s. but I hardly ever ask him for extra--if there's a big extra expense for one of the kids, like driver's training, I might ask him for 1/2 and he'll pay it.  If I lost my job, I wouldn't expect him to support me--if he lost his job, I wouldn't expect to support him either.  Because we are divorced!  It sounds suspicious that she lives w/ her parents, get c.s. & can't buy food--I mean would her parents not have food in the house & allow their gc to go without?  I could see if the kids needed something & he paid that bill directly. 

Now this is the big point--what was the arrangement when you moved in together?  Did you agree to split the expenses a certain way?  I think you could resolve this w/o having to get into an argument about whether he gives extra money to his kids or ex.  I assume that you each have expenses & you've agreed to pay this or that--I'd say to him that he can do whatever he wants with his money AFTER he pays the bills he said he would pay.  If he agreed to pay 1/2 the rent and he says he has to give that money to his ex, then I'd be saying no, because in effect that would have you supporting his ex & kids, which is not your job.  Your job is to support yourself & your own kids--it's not really his job to support your kids either.  It's their father's job.  I would tell him that you are not picking up the slack for him to be able to support his ex--if he wants to do without, that's fine.  He can make the sacrifices.

P.S.  The fact that she doesn't want him to have more kids is a big danger sign--either she's too involved w/ him or she's  worried that he won't continue to support her--not good.  It's none of her business whether he has more kids or not as long as he continues to pay what he's supposed to pay.  I think these kind of situations are big stresses unless the 2 parties keep their finances totally separate so if the dad wants to pay extra, then it's not affecting the new partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 11:54pm

I'm sorry you went through all of this. But everything does get better just don't let it get to you.