Soooooo Confused Please Help!!
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| Thu, 07-19-2007 - 6:42pm |
Hi I am new to this board and could really use some advice, I will try to keep it short since I know how much it sucks to read 3 page posts lol...ok here it goes:
I have been with my bf for almost a yr now (it will be a yr next week actually) and the past month or so things have been a bit rocky, he is always stressed out and when he gets stressed he takes it out on everyone around him even if they have nothing to do with why he is upset. There have been a lot of things going on in both of our lives lately, we are both working hard to get our lives together because things (school, work, family, baby momma drama etc.) have kind of snowballed on us and the stress for us both has become overwhelming...However we both handle this stress in very different ways, I like to talk about things and want the love and support of my man when I am feeling down or stressed out, he on the other hand closes himself off doesn't want to be bothered with anything or anyone. I try to respect his need for space during these times but it is hard for me not to want to comfort and help him because that is just in my nature, but when I try to talk to him about his problems he gets upset and feels as if I am pushing him to talk when he doesn't want to.
Last night we had a long talk and he told me that he feels as if the stress is just too much for him to take and he needs to figure out how to deal with everything and make a change for the better. He said that he feels like he has been neglecting me and he doesn't want to do that anymore because it is not fair to me and I don't deserve it. He doesn't want to bring me down, and that until he can get his life together he thinks it is best if we "take a break". He said he knows that I have my own stress to deal with and he doesn't want to add to it by me worrying about our relationship all the time. He went on to say that he doesn't want me to think this is a permanent thing and assured me that once we both can figure things out in our personal lives then we can be together and things will be better. He also said that he loves me and he's doing this for us and he doesn't want us to just cut all contact he still wants to spend time with me and be apart of my life, he even still wants us to celebrate our upcoming anniversary together. His goal is to find a good job and save up enough money for us to move out our studio apt and into a nice 2 bedroom apt or rent a house where we can be a family.
I am so confused by all of this, I don't know what to think, is this really just temporary?? I know he loves me I could never doubt that, and I know he wants to be with me, what I don't understand is why doesn't he want to fight harder for us?? I feel like he is running away and hiding from the problems that we have instead of just trying to work it out. He wants to take this break but he still wants to spend time with me and he doesn't want us to see other people, he also didn't leave after he told me all this he still stayed with me in my apt. and only left today because he had to pick up a few things from his mother's house and he promised he would be back later on tonight. I just don't get it!! I feel like the only thing that has really changed is that we are not going to be intimate anymore, so for that why don't we just work things out as a couple?? This is all just sooooo surreal to me right now like I keep asking myself "is this really happening?" Please Help!! Any insight you all can give me would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. sorry I guess I didn't achieve my goal of keeping it short lol



I don't like saying it, but taking a break is usually the first step in breaking up. It's not often that two people spend time apart like that and come back to the relationship, and the same problems, with a renewed vigor and enthusiasm.
What I'm trying to say is that taking a break from the relationship doesn't solve anything. He's not taking a hiatus for the sake of your relationship, he's doing it for himself. Maybe he needs some time to think and not feel pressured and stressed out with where you two are right now. In which case I hope it works for him. But it seems that his idea of "taking a break" is just putting your relationship on his own terms. He wants to still spend time with you and be happy, but I'm guessing that at the first sign of an argument or tough conversation during this time, he'll pull away again.
If you two REALLY want to be together and work through these major problems you're having, then you're going to learn how to a) deal with issues and problems together constructively and b) respect one another's style of handling bad feelings. There's nothing wrong with talking something out if you feel the need to do it, but if he really doesn't want to talk about something that's bothering him, then you should respect that and not stress him over it. Obviously talking about his personal problems is not something that helps him personally, though it might for you. But if you're going to make it through this, you have to be able to discuss topics that have an impact on your relationship. Otherwise you have a dismal outlook here. I'm with you on your confusion over taking a break. I don't think that's going to help anything, and you're right, it seems like he's running away from his problems.
Something with the way you communicate and relate to one another HAS to change, or you two will not last much longer. It's tough but when a guy says something like "I'm not good enough for you" he's usually right. I hope this break goes well for you but he has to realize that something needs to change. A break isn't going to fix any problems.
I tend to disagree with the previous poster, sometimes breaks really do help. Conventional wisdom says that a break leads to breakup. That's true IF the people taking the break don't use that time constructively, or if they spend so much time thinking it's going to lead to breakup, that it affects their attitude and *that's* what usually leads to the actual breakup.
Ok, so he doesn't like to talk about his problems. LOTS of men are like that and it drives women crazy. Dejalo. Yanking it out of him, forcing the issue, isn't going to help that. But if you take the calm approach, and when he does talk, you just let him talk, and don't try to fix anything for him, don't try to mother him (ay bendito), and just let him deal with things, he's much more likely to let you in more and more as time goes on. This isn't a guarantee, but then again, nothing is.
The picture of your BF doesn't lead me to believe he's the type of guy to spill his guts all over the place, especially if he's Hispanic (and before anyone goes up in arms, I am too), he's not going to open up too easily. Less so if you sit there and try to demand it or guilt it out of him.
Now, he's asked for a break, so you need to lay out some ground rules, it's about your self-respect and even more so, the respect you demand from him. Basically, you know what your Mami taught you, now's the time to put that into effect. If he's not doing the relationship thing with you, there are certain things he doesn't have a privilege to, see? He'll be upset at first, but if he's the right man, he'll abide by it and you will up the respect factor, he'll see you're not one to mess around with.
Read this: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1
And this: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21173.1
Good luck,
~Sandra~
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men
ETA: Because in reading my post, I saw a paticular colloquialism might be misinterpreted. ;)
Edited 7/20/2007 9:20 pm ET by i_b_sandradee