Sorry! Correction to prev. post

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sorry! Correction to prev. post
3
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:57pm
Hello Everyone,

Not sure what happened before but I tried to edit the other post and it was cut off.This is it in it's entirety. This was my original post titled "Fighting an uphill battle???"

(so sorry this is sooo long but i wanted to paint a clear picture for everyone.don't know if I've succeeded or not:))

I'm not really sure that anyone can help me here but it's definately worth the try. I've been lurking around this board for a long time now and I've seen some good advice be given even for somewhat similar situations so I hope that you guys will be able to help me out as well.Here goes:

My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In the very begining(first couple of months)things were amazing.We were in constant communication and he wanted to spend all of his free time with me. He told me that he was looking for a long term relationship and often made comments re: a possible future together etc.I felt comfortable and like it was really ok for me to love him. I felt like I didn't need to be afraid at all. A little later on(3 months into the relationship)I noticed some changes.He started to put limitations on the time that we spent together and started to put some distance between us. I asked him about it at that time and he always said that he was spending so much time with me all the time that he was neglecting his responsibilities as far as his house and work that needed to be done there and his job. He works in the IT field and always has to study to be current on new technology etc. So he said the we should just limit it to weekends or whatever decided. I wasn't really happy with that because I had fallen in love with him and wanted to spend as much time as possible. Still I understood what he was going through so I agreed. I did also ask him if there was someone else in the picture or someone he was interested in or anything like that and he swore that there wasn't.

In weeks to come I found that wasn't the truth. I found out that he had been seeing his ex girlfriend again. He swore to me that they had some things to work out but that he didn't want a relationship with her. At the same time he also said that he cared about me a lot but that he didn't feel what he felt he should feel for someone in order to make plans for the future i.e marriage etc. He said that he felt more strongly about me than probably anyone before but that he just couldn't say that we had any type of future together. I was hurt by this but the way I saw it was that as long as he didn't want to be with exgf then anything between he and I was possible and we could work it out. He said that he had made a mistake in hurting me with his exgf and that he was sorry. About a month later he and I ended our relationship because I felt so betrayed still and knew that he was stil communicating with her. Also because he often didn't seem like himself around me and said that it was because he still felt guilty about dating me "just to date me" without having plans to marry me. So we ended the relationship which only lasted a week because during the entire week he was calling me and wanting to see me. We got back together but in the months to come he was constantly back and forth between exgf and me. He always told me that it was easier to hang out with her because they both knew that they didn't have a future together so they could just have a good time and he didn't have to worry about hurting her but with me it was different because he felt like i wanted more from him and he knew that I deserved more and always felt bad that he couldn't give it to me. I was really miserable through all of this because he was lieing to me about everything. He lied about how he spent his time and where he was going and whether or not he was talking to her. He would tell me that he wasn't talking to her anymore etc. then I would see emails from her or see her number in his phone where she had called him and he had called her back. He didn't admit this until I actually told him that I saw it for myself.

Around April of last year we decided that we wouldn't be together anymore at all. He had helped me move into a diff. apartment than the one I was living in at the time and I didn't want to take some of my furniture etc. so he insisted that I store at his house(even though we weren't going to be together). It was his way of having some sort of tie to me even though he didn't want a serious relationship with me.I realize it now because whenever we broke up in the past he would always hide my clothing etc. so that I couldn't take everything when I left and he would have some reason to call me. During this time though, we were going through a period of Still dating because he knew that I loved him but we weren't really together. I guess you could say we were friends but I wasn't seeing anyone else and I had an idea that he was seeing exgf as well as another girl. Even though we weren't technically in a relationship we still spent the same amount of time together as we always had and minimized tome his interactions and dealings with these other girls.(Taking it back a little,Last year(2003))the week before valentines day his furnace in his home caught fire(or something to that effect) anyway, his house was very smokey and the fire dept. came etc. He had no heat because he had to wait for everything to be fixed in his home so he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days. He stayed at my apartment that entire week and it was as if we were back together again. The next week everything was fixed and I stayed at his place Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I didn't hear from him and Friday was valentinesday. He called me at around 4pm from home(should have been at work) and said he wanted to wish me a happy valentines day. I told him thank you and wished him the same and I asked him what he was planning to do and he said that HE was going to hang out in NYC(exgf lives there). So i knew he was going to spend vday with her and I was hurt.I tried to just forget about him and enjoy the weekend. That day, I hung out with girlfriends and the next day(saturday) I went to my mom's house and stayed the rest of the weekend because I didn't want to be in my apartment alone. On Sunday evening he called at around 8 and I didn't answer. He called again at 10 still I didn't answer. Sunday evening throughout Monday there was a heavy snowstorm so no one worked on Monday. He called at 9 am Monday morning and still I didn't answer he called repeatedly until about 12:30 in the afternoon about 10 times back to back. He kept leaving messages saying that he just wanted to talk and each message got worse than the last. The last couple of messages he left basically said that I was being selfish because how dare I spend the entire week with him and now not answer my phone.

I couldn't believe that he was making this out to be a bad thing that I was doing. I wasn't going to call him back but in a way I must admit that I was touched that he was paying so much attention and seemingly jealous. I called him back at around 4 and he acted as if nothing happened. I told him that I was hurt that he spent his weekend with whomever he chose and then called me and left nasty messages because I didn't answer my phone. He basically ignored what I said. He came over to help me dig my car out of the snow and then took me back to his house. We stayed there for 2 days.In that tim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:18am
I read all your post, and I'm glad you made it as long as you did because I felt I could get the complete picture, as you said. It sounds to me that he starts the relationship off intensely, then gives crumbs along the way to keep it going. I've read that intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful pschological tool there is. If you think you've got something, then he starts taking it away slowly, or mostly, but still gives you hope here and there, he can keep you hanging on a long, long time.



In the meantime, he's doing the same with several others. When he started ignoring you, he was probably busy stringing along another. Or re-establishing his hold on a past one.

I don't think the guy sounds sincere at all. ANYONE can be nice and romantic for a short period of time, even promising the world. However, if they don't come through, it's because they really didn't intend to give anything to speak of in the first place. A lot of people give just enough to get more in return.



Anyway, this is my cynical view of the guy. Obviously, I don't know everything, maybe there's more to it than that. I wouldn't blame yourself though. ANYONE can be deceived at times. I was deceived by my ex for nine years.

I think you can do better than this guy. There are lots of different types of people in the world and it takes a lot of searching to find someone worthwhile. Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:12am
It looks like your post got cut off. Is there an update?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:49am
Thank you for inquiring Gina! Yes, there is a complete version of the post. It's under "Sorry,I did it again...correction..."

Please post all replies there,

Thank You!

Nae