Sorry, I did it again....correction....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sorry, I did it again....correction....
3
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:03pm
Hello Everyone,

I tried to edit my original post but it was cut off then i tried again and the same. so here it goes again.....

(so sorry this is sooo long but i wanted to paint a clear picture for everyone.don't know if I've succeeded or not:))

I'm not really sure that anyone can help me here but it's definately worth the try. I've been lurking around this board for a long time now and I've seen some good advice be given even for somewhat similar situations so I hope that you guys will be able to help me out as well.Here goes:

My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In the very begining(first couple of months)things were amazing.We were in constant communication and he wanted to spend all of his free time with me. He told me that he was looking for a long term relationship and often made comments re: a possible future together etc.I felt comfortable and like it was really ok for me to love him. I felt like I didn't need to be afraid at all. A little later on(3 months into the relationship)I noticed some changes.He started to put limitations on the time that we spent together and started to put some distance between us. I asked him about it at that time and he always said that he was spending so much time with me all the time that he was neglecting his responsibilities as far as his house and work that needed to be done there and his job. He works in the IT field and always has to study to be current on new technology etc. So he said the we should just limit it to weekends or whatever decided. I wasn't really happy with that because I had fallen in love with him and wanted to spend as much time as possible. Still I understood what he was going through so I agreed. I did also ask him if there was someone else in the picture or someone he was interested in or anything like that and he swore that there wasn't.

In weeks to come I found that wasn't the truth. I found out that he had been seeing his ex girlfriend again. He swore to me that they had some things to work out but that he didn't want a relationship with her. At the same time he also said that he cared about me a lot but that he didn't feel what he felt he should feel for someone in order to make plans for the future i.e marriage etc. He said that he felt more strongly about me than probably anyone before but that he just couldn't say that we had any type of future together. I was hurt by this but the way I saw it was that as long as he didn't want to be with exgf then anything between he and I was possible and we could work it out. He said that he had made a mistake in hurting me with his exgf and that he was sorry. About a month later he and I ended our relationship because I felt so betrayed still and knew that he was stil communicating with her. Also because he often didn't seem like himself around me and said that it was because he still felt guilty about dating me "just to date me" without having plans to marry me. So we ended the relationship which only lasted a week because during the entire week he was calling me and wanting to see me. We got back together but in the months to come he was constantly back and forth between exgf and me. He always told me that it was easier to hang out with her because they both knew that they didn't have a future together so they could just have a good time and he didn't have to worry about hurting her but with me it was different because he felt like i wanted more from him and he knew that I deserved more and always felt bad that he couldn't give it to me. I was really miserable through all of this because he was lieing to me about everything. He lied about how he spent his time and where he was going and whether or not he was talking to her. He would tell me that he wasn't talking to her anymore etc. then I would see emails from her or see her number in his phone where she had called him and he had called her back. He didn't admit this until I actually told him that I saw it for myself.

Around April of last year we decided that we wouldn't be together anymore at all. He had helped me move into a diff. apartment than the one I was living in at the time and I didn't want to take some of my furniture etc. so he insisted that I store at his house(even though we weren't going to be together). It was his way of having some sort of tie to me even though he didn't want a serious relationship with me.I realize it now because whenever we broke up in the past he would always hide my clothing etc. so that I couldn't take everything when I left and he would have some reason to call me. During this time though, we were going through a period of Still dating because he knew that I loved him but we weren't really together. I guess you could say we were friends but I wasn't seeing anyone else and I had an idea that he was seeing exgf as well as another girl. Even though we weren't technically in a relationship we still spent the same amount of time together as we always had and minimized tome his interactions and dealings with these other girls.(Taking it back a little,Last year(2003))the week before valentines day his furnace in his home caught fire(or something to that effect) anyway, his house was very smokey and the fire dept. came etc. He had no heat because he had to wait for everything to be fixed in his home so he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days. He stayed at my apartment that entire week and it was as if we were back together again. The next week everything was fixed and I stayed at his place Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I didn't hear from him and Friday was valentinesday. He called me at around 4pm from home(should have been at work) and said he wanted to wish me a happy valentines day. I told him thank you and wished him the same and I asked him what he was planning to do and he said that HE was going to hang out in NYC(exgf lives there). So i knew he was going to spend vday with her and I was hurt.I tried to just forget about him and enjoy the weekend. That day, I hung out with girlfriends and the next day(saturday) I went to my mom's house and stayed the rest of the weekend because I didn't want to be in my apartment alone. On Sunday evening he called at around 8 and I didn't answer. He called again at 10 still I didn't answer. Sunday evening throughout Monday there was a heavy snowstorm so no one worked on Monday. He called at 9 am Monday morning and still I didn't answer he called repeatedly until about 12:30 in the afternoon about 10 times back to back. He kept leaving messages saying that he just wanted to talk and each message got worse than the last. The last couple of messages he left basically said that I was being selfish because how dare I spend the entire week with him and now not answer my phone.

I couldn't believe that he was making this out to be a bad thing that I was doing. I wasn't going to call him back but in a way I must admit that I was touched that he was paying so much attention and seemingly jealous. I called him back at around 4 and he acted as if nothing happened. I told him that I was hurt that he spent his weekend with whomever he chose and then called me and left nasty messages because I didn't answer my phone. He basically ignored what I said. He came over to help me dig my car out of the snow and then took me back to his house. We stayed there for 2 days.In that time he told me that he spent vday with exgf and went on a double date with her and another couple. He also spent Saturday with another girl(whom he still maintains was a friend). He brought exbf vday gifts and a gift for the other girl as well but I got nothing,not even a card. He said that he made a mistake and he realized that he wanted to be with me and that he knew he needed to end things with exgf which he did not do.

Fastforward again to April 2003 and he and I are "friends" but I still love him and we still have a romantic relationship but he's meeting other girls and seeing other girls as well.I told him finally in early May that I couln't take it anymore and that I could have no contact with him because everything just hurt so much. We both cried a lot and I told him not to contact me at all. I left his house and didn't speak to him or see him in any way shape or form for 4 months. This past July he called for the first time in about 2 1/2 or 3 months and I didn't answer. He called about 4 times that day back to back and left a message indicating that he was annoyed I didn't pick up my phone and that he guesses I didn't want to speak to him anymore and that he wouldn't call anymore and hoped everything was ok with me. The next day while I was at work he called my cellphone again and I didn't answer. He left no message and I didn't return his call.During this time I was feeling really good about myself again and almost completely back to normal. There were times when I missed him and all his affection and the taking me out all the time and making me laugh but I held such resentment for the way he made me feel and the things he put me through. I was confident that I would never speak to him again. I thought of writing him a letter to express everything I felt and I did but I never mailed it. I kinda liked the fact that I knew he was wondering what was going on with me and I wanted to keep it that way. In late August he called me again and this time I picked up. I was curious to hear what he had to say. We talked for awhile and then he asked me to come out for coffee which I did. From that day on we've been together.

It's been very hard at times and rocky too because since he hasn't been dating other girls and has been putting all of the focus on our relationship I've gotten to see more of who he is and I don't know how I feel about that. One of our problems that has come up is that since we've been back together he has often insinuated that I may or may not have been faithful to him during our relationship before. This really bothers me because even during times when he was outright cheating on me and I knew it I never even went on a date with another guy and he used to tell me that he knew this.Yet, this time in our relationship he says that it's definately a possibility and he for awaile would question everything I said and did which put a strain on our relationship big time. We've since gotten past that but I'm sure he still has his ideas about it. We also have trouble communicating because he gets enraged and starts yelling furiously and screaming when the conversation doesn't goo his way or when Iam saying something disputing what he believes or thinks. At those times he also says mean things to me and attacks my character completely.He says things that are totally false about me but thinks that he can just because he's angry.He's a very secretive person in general but there's a double standard because he can ask me any question in the book and I answer it happily but if I ask him where he's going to play basketball he gets bothered and tells me that I shouldn't ask questions because eventually he's going to give me all the information anyway and that all I have to do is wait. If he calls my cell phone and I don't answer but I call him back within 5 min. he say oh what were ou doing. If I call him and he doesn't answer his phone for 2 hours or more and then when he calls me i ask what happened or how come he didn't answe the phone he gets really upset and says things like because I was busy or I just didn't feel like it and then he says that he doesn't have to answer to me.

We went on a long carribean vacation recently(he paid for everything and took care of everything)We had a fabulous time and everything went well. This time around in our relationship I can really see where he has been trying hard but I'm bothered by a lot of his behavior and I feel like i can't say anything because he's been trying in other departments. If I mention something that bothers me he says that he's going to do better and he does but if I ask him where he wants this relationship to go he says he doesn't know. About a month ago we were argueing and I told him that maybe we weren't meant to be and he said that wasn't true and that he felt like we really had a chance at a future and in a year from now he could possibly be thinking along the lines of marriage because he's been seeing me in a different way and getting to know me better than ever. This was the first time he had EVER said anything like that to me. Still, now if I ask him anything about the future he says he doesn't know what he wants but that he does love me and wants to be with me. He never says I love you on his own although I believe that he does. The only time he passionately kisses me or says I love you or anything really nice is when I'm upset or crying or both. He makes me dinner every other day and takes me out often and we talk every single day several times a day. I love him so much but I'm so afraid all the time because I laways feel like either with his angry words(during an arguement) or by meeting another girl or talkting to an old gf or something that he's just prone to hurting me all the time. He spends most of his time with me but there are times when I wonder what he's doing because he won't answer his phone. He says it's because he's just reading or watching tv and wants alone time but I feel like maybe he's chatting on the phone with another girl. A couple of weeks ago I was at his house and on his laptop and I saw that he had visited match.com I didn't say anything and I don't know why. Maybe I was afraid to rock the boat since things were going good.The thing is that now if I go to use his laptop he wants to use it first all of a sudden and when he gives it to me the history(sites visited recently) is erased. Now when I use his laptop the history is always erased.

I'm not sure really what to do or why it's so hard for me to let go completely. I really hate to say it but there's a huge part of me that really loves him and there's another part of me that just doesn't want to be lonely.There's also an even bigger part that just is afraid that we'll break up and he'll be with someone else and everything will be perfect between them and he'll love and marry her in which case it would seem to mean that all this time despite my love,devotion,caring,dedication,loyalty and everything else that I still was not good enough for him and something is wrong with me.Through this whole relationship he has never really faught for me or the relationship. I've always been right there without him having to break a sweat regardless of how much he messed up. He's never begged me to stay with him or professed his love and asked me to please forgive him.So I also feel like I need him to acknowledge that Iam worthy of his love and that it has been him with the problems. I'm so worried that he maybe looking for someone online and or talking to them or someone else on the phone. All my friends pretty much dislike him because of what i've been through and they really don't want to hear anymore about him until I leave him for good. They see how much I hurt sometimes and it hurts them. I don't feel like I'm myself. I honestly don't know who Iam. I see myself through his eyes based on his actions and I feel like nothing about me is good enough no matter how good iam. How do i live my life? How do I get past him and move on? How do I truely let go? I know that i tellhim it's over that I have to be commited to that and stick by that which means no contact but I know that he will contact me and I don't think I'm strong enough to not respond. Why isa it that he says he loves and cares for me and he does so much for me in every way but he can't make a longterm commitment to me and is only commiting to right now and the near future. Why is it that when things are really good he has to start looking on match.com? I just don't understand why Im not enough.When I talk to him or when I cry he has no clue why because he says he's doing everything better than before and he's trying harder. I don't think he really hears me most of the time.

If anyway has anything to say about this long book that I've written please reply. I would be so grateful to hear any advice or comments or anything no matter what.

Thank you so much for reading,

Nae

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:27pm
Nae,

Hi, and I read your email. I want you to look at these websites:

http://www.barbaradeangelis.com/

www.drphil.com

www.lifetimetv.com

They all have good information on the relationship front.

This is cut & paste from the first website, Barbara DeAngelis, who also writes a lot of books that I recommend you read! Again, this is from Barbara DeAngelis:



WHY AM I ONLY ATTRACTED TO THE WRONG, "BAD BOY" TYPE OF MAN, AND FEEL NO SEXUAL CHEMISTRY WITH THE "NICE GUYS"?

For years I have had a series of very painful, dramatic relationships with men who don't give me what I need or treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Some cheated, others were very critical or simply emotionally distant. Finally, I met a really nice guy who is crazy about me. He's everything I ever wanted--respectful, considerate, and really sweet. But there's one big thing missing: I don't feel the sexual chemistry with him that I used to feel with my ex-boyfriends. Lately I've been feeling I should break up with him, because I miss that passion and excitement. Help!!

You’ve come to the right place for help--not only is this one of the questions I’m asked the most, but I used to suffer from this same pattern and wonder what was wrong with me. Why did men who didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved appeal to me so much? Why did I get “bored” in calm, peaceful relationships? Why did the phrase “nice guy” turn off every sexual impulse in my body? It took me years to understand and finally break this unhealthy love habit, but I did it, so I know you can do it too.

O.K., here’s what’s happening. You’ve obviously already figured out that it’s no accident that you happen to attract (or be attracted to) men who, in some way, make you feel unloved, and you’re right....there’s a reason it feels “right” when you’re with a man who withholds his love, and a reason it feels “wrong” when a man gives you all the love you’ve ever wanted. This reason has nothing to do with what your conscious mind tells you about those unloving partners:

“You know he is wrong for you. He’s just going to hurt you like the last one. Run in the other direction as fast as you can!!” You may know this is true, but something makes that kind of man so appealing, and that something has to do with your unconscious mind and what I call the “Going Home Syndrome”

I came up with the phrase “Going Home Syndrome” to describe how our emotional programming can cause us to seek out emotional situations that are similar to those we experienced in childhood, regardless of whether those experiences were positive or negative. As human beings, we gravitate towards the familiar. I’ll bet you like to sleep on the same side of the bed each night, park in the same space at work, to and go back to your favorite vacation spot. Returning to the familiar is a basic instinct that gives our lives a sense of continuity and safety in a very chaotic and changing universe. Unfortunately, this instinct can work against us when it comes to relationships, in that we may tend to unconsciously seek out emotional situations that are familiar to us.

Here’s how it works: When you a young child , your home was the main source of love and safety in your life. Even if there was violence or chaos in your household, it was still "home"--it was where you were fed and had a place to sleep and received some sort of attention. So you associate LOVE with HOME. You also associate HOME with other characteristics, based on your experiences at home. For instance, if your parents fought a lot, you might have an equation in your mind that says HOME = CHAOS. If you weren't shown much love or affection your equation might be HOME = LONELINESS. If one of your parents was abusive, it might be HOME = FEAR.

Remember your basic math from school, where you learned:

If A = B, and B=C, then A =C

Let's use this same principle to illustrate "Going Home" :

If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = CHAOS, then LOVE= CHAOS

If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = LONELINESS, then LOVE= LONELINESS

If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = FEAR, then LOVE = FEAR.

Your mind will equate whatever associations you have about “home” with what love is supposed to feel like. So if home felt like chaos, you might seek unstable partners who will help you create dramatic, chaotic relationships. If home felt like loneliness, you might seek a partner who doesn't give you enough love, affection or attention, so that you end up feeling lonely. If home felt like fear, you might attract someone who always criticizes you, or threatens to leave, or makes you jealous, so that you always feel fearful. You unconsciously choose what is familiar--YOU ARE GOING HOME.

Obviously, we all have positive associations with home as well, which we also seek to reproduce in our adult life. I've found, however, that it is the

more painful associations that can cause the most trouble, because they are usually unconscious. In other words, if you came from a home where your parents showed you a lot of affection, but criticized one another, you might consciously seek a partner who was very loving, but unconsciously attract someone who was critical.

In your case, your previous partners were probably all “home” to you, probably because when you grew up, you either watched your Mom or Dad be mistreated and abandoned by the other parent, or you felt unloved by one of your parents. So for you, it feels comfortable to be uncomfortable with a man! And this explains your present dilemma. You have love, and therefore passion and sexual attraction ,associated in your brain with a sense of danger and pain. Of course you don’t “feel” attracted to him--he makes you feel too good!!

As I mentioned, I had a very similar pattern for years of my adult life. When I finally met my husband, Jeffrey, I didn’t even realize I was in love for months, because it didn’t “feel right.” I was used to drama, intensity, fear of criticism and loss, insecurity--all signs of an unhealthy relationship. For the first time, I had developed an emotional connection with a man based on friendship, trust, openness, safety, consistency and true caring, and I hadn’t even recognized it because it felt too peaceful to be love!!

It took a little while for me to discover the healthy passion and excitement with Jeffrey, and to literally reinvent my experience of love, but when I finally did, I felt more attracted to him than I had felt to any other man in my life!! So my advice to you is: Don’t break up with this wonderful man. He’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Instead, do some work to explore and heal your emotional programming: LEAVE BEHIND THE PATTERN, NOT THE PERSON!!


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3. WHY DO I KEEP CHOOSING UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS?

I have a pattern in my relationships that I can't seem to break. I fall in love with people who will not or cannot make a commitment to me. They are either involved with someone else, still recovering from a bad relationship, afraid of commitment, or don't love me enough to want to get really serious. What's wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing people who can't love me?

This is one of the most painful and self-destructive patterns, isn’t it? At least you’re aware that you are making the choices, and aren’t blaming your partners for betraying you. And remember--nothing is wrong with you that isn’t wrong with anyone else. We each have areas of our life where we are the most challenged, and carry emotional baggage from our past.

More specifically, you may be prone to choosing unavailable partners if:

You felt abandoned by a parent as a child: You repeat this pattern as an adult by finding partners who can't be there for you either.


You have low self-esteem: If you came from a very dysfunctional home which left you with little self-esteem because you were always criticized or ignored or abused, you may feel you don't deserve to have a mate all to yourself, so you'll take whatever you can get.


You're afraid of intimacy: Being in a relationship with a partner who is unavailable is a great way to avoid true intimacy. If you were sexually or physically abused as a child and had your boundaries violated, or made a decision when you were young that you would never let anyone get close enough to hurt you again, you may find it "convenient" to choose partners with whom you can never have a truly committed relationship as an unconscious method of protecting yourself from pain.

The first requirement you should have for a partner is that he is available. For those of us who like to pretend we don't know what available means, here's a definition:

Available: Free to be in a relationship with you; not involved with anyone else; not married; not engaged; not going steady; not sleeping with another person; alone; single; all yours.

The following are not definitions of available:

With someone, but promises to leave soon

With someone, but he doesn't really love her

With someone, but they're not having sex anymore

With someone, but says he's just staying for the kids

With someone, but she knows about you and it's all right

With someone, and isn't leaving, but wants you to stick around anyway

Just left someone, but might be going back

In other words, STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED, IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS , OR TELL YOU THEY AREN’T INTERESTED IN MAKING A COMMITMENT.!!!

Until you are emotionally free of the pattern, you might try a Relationship Fast for a while--no dating, no intimate relationships of any kind. This will allow you to become strong in yourself, to spend time healing your old emptiness, and become clear about the kind of partner you need in your life.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:30pm
In addition to my other reply to your other post....

:::I'm not sure really what to do or why it's so hard for me to let go completely. I really hate to say it but there's a huge part of me that really loves him and there's another part of me that just doesn't want to be lonely.There's also an even bigger part that just is afraid that we'll break up and he'll be with someone else and everything will be perfect between them and he'll love and marry her in which case it would seem to mean that all this time despite my love,devotion,caring,dedication,loyalty and everything else that I still was not good enough for him and something is wrong with me.

It's not that you are less than, not worthy, etc - making a relationship work is about a lot of different things - maturity, connection, compatibility. Just because he may some day find the right person, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you - it means he's more compatible with someone else, or he actually falls in love with someone else.

Focus on you and your issues - if you know you are afraid to be alone, then work on it. Get some short-term counseling and work on your self-esteem. KNOW and BELIEVE that you deserve a complete, full-time relationship, one that meets your needs too. Instead of taking leftover time with him. He can't give you want you want. YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, choices, behavior, etc. Happiness comes from within you, not from another person (him), place or thing.

Reading material to consider:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:56pm
Thank you so much Marriedmomlilson, for taking the time to provide that information for me. I'm really glad that I came to this board. I read your reply completely and it was really amazing to me. My therapist actually reccomended a book by Barbara D. that I had read in the past but reading your reply was a real eye opener. I know that I have absentee dad issues as well as other family issues that have contributed greatly to my choices in men. The pattern with me is not choosing men that are unavailable due to other relationships spicifically but they are usually unavailable to me emmotionally as well. They're usually very successful, handsome,interesting men who promise me the world in the begining but then it seems like once they actually have me and the chase is over they become board and either move on or just neglet me and hurt me in other ways. I want to feel better about myself so that I can choose a better partner for myself but I just feel so defeated at this point. This relationship has taken so much out of me but I know that I will eventually get myself back. Thank you so much for your help.

Itwinflame, Thank you as well.I don't know when I began looking at myself through his eyes but I know that I do and I don't want to anymore. I want to learn how to put myself and my needs first because he has no problem putting himself and his needs first.

Thanks again,

Nae