Sorry but I had to start another topic

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sorry but I had to start another topic
2
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:05am
THIS IS KAYENHEN'S BOYFRIEND AGAIN TRYING TO STRESS AN ISSUE.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=19707.1

PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS LINK AND REALISE THAT THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY AND SPOUSES AND PARTNERS NEED TO CREATE JOINT ACCOUNTS ON HERE.

Advice from people here on just hearing a one sided story is very toxic at times.This woman in this link seems to need advice and everyone assumes she needs to get a divorce because the husband is not willing to seek counselling.Have we heard his side of the story to assume divorce?.Why can't two people secure a joint username and password just like my girl and I did and hear both sides.In this link the woman doesn't seem to want a divorce.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=19711.1&ctx=0

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:38am
I understand what you saying - that there are 2 sides to every story. And that the advice on here may not be the best. People on here are not shrinks, they are not professionals. This is just a place to go to discuss problems and get advice. A person who gets the advice does not need to follow it.

About the links you posted in regards to a woman who was told to get a divorce:

Almost in every post (where there is a serious problem in a longterm relationship or marriage) people who reply suggest getting counseling.

But what should a woman do who is having a hard time with her spouse? (either because of physical or emotional abuse or other severe problems)

If the man refuses counseling, if he refuses to read a book on relationships, if he refuses to change.... what can we as readers of these type of posts suggest. Well, we tell her to get a divorce because if she is unhappy and in a relationship that is unhealthy for herself and her kids, and her man refuses change, why would we tell her to stay and put up with it. Without the man changing, she will be trapped and he will continue to be the way he is. Sometimes people tell the woman to enter counseling on her own (if her husband won't go) and I am sure that the counselor is going to end up recommending her separating or divorcing her husband if improvements aren't made.

AS far as your situation -- you 2 need to break up or at least separate - live apart-- this is what I think - my opinion based on what she and you have written. Violence in a relationship is never good and she has no right to be hitting you EVER.

And you both (even though I know the reasons) moved in together WAY TOO FAST and trust issues and communication problems are the result.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:44pm
this is kayenhen's girl.batharine i agree with you on the part about the lady and the divorce,we are readers who respond with the way we feel about the situation.but this is my point about kayenhenboy how we have these differences in opinion.now i just read the post about the lady and the divorce issue and i agree with you and if i had replied i would had suggested something like separation or something.because the overall picture this is not good for her mentally,emotionally and also for the kids with mommy being mentally and emotionally distraught.but to get off that and get to the topic at hand.i tell kayenhenboy that instead of him making judgements and having such "brillient"suggestions,that before he bash have an solution to the problem if not keep his "brillient" to himself.now that's kayenhengirl's opinion.now about our living arrangement,you read how this all came about with my lights and gas being turned off at my place and me being an out of stater struggling in what is the begining of my career.i still had and still have my own place.this is the story...at first when i mentioned this to kayenhenboy who at that time was my friend,he was sceptical about us actually living together.but maybe a month later he had spoken to his older brother for advice on this matter and his brother agreed that this could be a situation that could help the both of us out.i confided with my fam. and aquaintances about what did they think about this considering my situation at home and the struggles carically because of too much financially on my plate,i feel like this happens to everyone and kayenhengirl took her chance.i was o.k with this my mother was o.k.kayenhenboy was o.k. his brother whom he confides was o.k.and my friends o.kayed for me to go for it and securied me that i was the type to make things happen,also i will add that if something happened to me i would have alright my faith and fate was carrying me i trusted my instincts and the instints of my confidonts.let's think about it people look for roommates all the time in the paper and they live with them based on their gut feelings and sometimes background checks that still don't too much tell the complete story.there are people who have one night stands taking chances with someone for one night again if that's what float their boat i'm not trying to tip their boat over.my point is that's a chance that they are taking,people date for 6 mths. or for a year or two but look at this they are sleeping together not knowing who else this person is sleeping with some other night and there is no guarantee they will be together and they took a chance of contracting or comimg into contact with something.there are people who marry within a year,but that is not my case i'm willing to wait until we know marriage is for us.there are a lot of people that are sexually active before marriagemy point is that is a chance they take. this is a living arrangement for one thing to help the both of us financially.and we just happen to see things in each other that we like therefore we took it to that level of commitment.we committed to each other you are my boy and i am his girl.as far as time in my opinion...there are people that do the so called take it slow deal,and again i respect their prefence if that's there belief and what works for them i on the other hand believe that time is of an essence.and true this does'nt work for every one.there are people who date for a year or 2 and think that they know who they are dating or marrying and are at a greater risk of being deceived,and then again sometimes this is dating a year 2 3 4 5 works. i'm 32 he's 32 we do not have any kids never been married had our share of relationships whether that being 1yr. 2 or3 yr.i personally been in two 5 yr. relationships.i feel i know what i want and he has said he feels the same{knowing what he wants in a relationship}.therefore when we write the time that we have been together is not in question to us or our family but we look for answers to the issue that we mention.when i wrote it was about the social #.and how it was normal for me to have that right of privacy and it had nothing to do with me pacifically not trusting.i wanted to get pass that and for him to see so we could grow and function in the relationship and that would bring us to the next level of relation more secure trusting and understanding.as far as my apartment goes we decided to rent it out so that i can take care of some well needed health expenses and credit expenses.he and i reside together and will be residing together until both of our leases are up.and we also use this time to see how we make it through difficulties to use our judgement on what we will do when we get to that bridge of being together or going separate ways and even if all else fails we both will be more financially stable to make whatever moves nessasary and to begin with it was the friend and care and time this person listened to me when i needed someone to talk with and was a shoulder to cry on when i was heartbroken this is the person i fell in love with.what we want to know is how can we survive this conflict because we both want this to work and are willing to listen and do what we feel is honest understood and progressive.batharine dont misunderstand me i appriciate your comment and respect your thought for how you viewed.thank you for your honesty and thanks for responding.