Sound like a midlife crisis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2012
Sound like a midlife crisis?
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 12:22pm

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year! I'm so done with 2011...going to make 2012 a fresh start.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. No kids. We're in our forties. We've been having problems in our relationship for years. We've been in counseling together and apart for 3 years at least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 1:03pm
This don't sound good at all. Him telling you he "wants to spend less time with you" and taking up all these extra activities to where you 2 will only have dinner together on the weekends. It really does sound like he is trying to distance himself from you. This could be a midlife crisis or ( and I hate to tell you this) but it could also be he's seeing another woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 1:44pm

He says he wants to be married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 3:24pm

You are describing a relatively short marriage where for about 1/2 of it you have been having enough trouble that you have been going to counseling>

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 3:53pm

The way he's handling this sounds an awful lot like "I'm going to escape from you for 99 out of 100 hours and when I come back that one hour we have together better be good"

I truly hope you are open to seeing a counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 5:27pm
Brandy- it can only get better for you. I don't know that what you are describing is a mid life crisis. He sounds like an immature self centered and self absorbed person. And it sounds like this is who he is and no amount of counseling is going to change it or fix it.

Please don't his let actions and decisions reflect on you. You are obviously a very independent woman, capable of doing a lot alone. You are not the reason he is the way he is. He is living the life he wants to with a wife in name only. One of these days he will have to figure out what he is chasing and why and for who. In the meantime, take a step back, put your time and energy on you and what you want and need to be happy and fulfilled. Never hurts to see an attorney for a consult. Make a plan and then just tell him what you are doing. No idle threats, the bald truth and then put your plan in motion. You are still young with many years ahead of you. To have a marriage fail doesn't mean that you failed in life.

Take care,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
In reply to: 2012brandnewday
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 6:38pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2012
Sat, 01-07-2012 - 11:00am

Thanks for your opinions everyone. I think I needed to hear someone say that this wasn't quite normal. Things have been so rocky and he is so calm and unemotional that I start to feel crazy and say "is it me? Should I be ok with this?". I know that it is both of us and we probably have very different ideas about what a relationship is. We also have very different abilities when it comes to relating. Don't get me started on home responsibilities, scheduling house repairs. etc. That stuff is ignored - of course, it's not fun!!

I'm not sure counseling is worth it at this point (together at least, I will be going for myself) as we've already been to 2 people, each for a year at a time. I have discussed Aspergers with both of them. The first said she saw the possibilities but didn't have experience with it so she couldn't say definitively. The second said she didn't think it was Aspergers but did diagnose him with Avoidant Personality Disorder. He also deals with anxiety. For this reason, I was trying to be patient and give it time...was trying to be understanding. He has a lot of childhood issues too (don't we all). I don't think he knows how to have a warm loving relationship. Time passes and there isn't really any work being done on that issue as far as I can see. If I ask about his plans for addressing the avoidance and intimacy he doesn't have much of an answer and usually gets angry.

From what I see, the activities are related to a lack of self esteem. He has said this. He feels the need to accomplish things to prove something to himself. I do wish he could just like himself. He is searching for that person he wants to be that is confident. He needs alot of reinforcement when we are togther. There may be a woman out there that can make him wake up, someone that he loves enough to spend some time with, it just isn't me.

This weekend I get to go out to a club! lol. Lucky me. It hit me today when thinking about the upcoming evening...he wants a dating relationship. The week to himself and an outing on the weekend. I have asked that we start at the beginning but I meant the talking and getting to know each other part. lol.

I've been looking into my finances and options for moving out. I'm trying to get up the nerve to see a lawyer. Looking forward to a new year with some upward momentum and some emotional peace.

Icing on the cake, I had a mammogram yesterday and they found something iffy. I'm not worried yet since they'll have to take another look next week to be sure. It's sad that I don't even want to mention it to him. Bad, I know. I just get no support there.

Thanks again everyone.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 01-07-2012 - 11:53am

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do.......and I hope you do it.

Sorry to hear about your bad mammogram, but it's happened to me twice, and the first time I had myself dead and buried.....and it was NOTHING.