Space

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Space
14
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:56pm
Hi -- I have a bit of a problem, and because of it I seem to have found myself dumped by my live-in boyfriend as of about 15 minutes ago.

When he gets angry, he needs complete space -- i.e. he wants me to pretend he doesn't exist. I could really use some advice on how to leave him alone until he cools off -- I always try to talk before he is ready, and I just prolong his anger. I'm one of those people who hates it when people are mad, and tries to fix it as soon as possible. Please help -- I love this man, and every other aspect of our 2 year relationship is perfect. Help me prove to him that I can do this.

Thanks,

Jenny

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:09pm
I used to do the same thing you are doing now. I would try and get them to talk a little before they ran off mostly out of insecurity. I was afraid it was because of me that they needed space. Sometimes men do need space from you but, it isn't because he doesn't love you or is mad AT you. They just need alone time. You do as well. If he's upset about something I'm sure it'll help him if he can just think quietly about it by himself. When he's upset, maybe you could say, "I know you're upset and I'll leave you alone. Just know you can come talk to me about it later if you would like to". He may not even talk to you once he's done being off by himself. He may feel silly about ever being mad in the first place. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:27pm
Walk away - go do something you enjoy - read a book, take a bubble bath, go for a walk, go to a movie.

Then when he's calm suggest couple's counseling to help you both find effective ways to communicate.

PS or journal write about everything you feel while he's having his space - write about how it makes you feel, write about how you want to fix it, etc.


Edited 2/5/2004 1:28:46 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:36pm
When men are upset, they like to crawl into their caves and deal with their feelings in private. Once they have sorted out their feelings they come out and rejoin society. It's a very primal response.

Your BF's desire to be alone is perfectly natural. Let him go back to his "cave" and figure out his emotions. When he is ready to talk again, then you guys can deal with whatever issues there are. This can actually be very productive because when you guys talk after things have cooled down, you are more likely to stick to the issues at hand and find a solution.

During the mean time, do your own thing - whatever it is you'd like to do. Maybe you can write down your feelings or the specific issues you have so that when he is ready to talk you are too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:40pm
Thanks -- I'm more talking about times when his being upset is a direct result of something I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:49pm
I've suggested counseling -- he isn't interested. He doesn't like to talk to anyone, let alone strangers.

I'm talking about being mad for a couple of days. We live together, it is hard to leave him alone.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:28pm

Can you agree on a compromise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:31pm
Days is a long time, he has issues. Yet, leaving for an evening with friends, reading a book while your home, taking a bath - basically ignoring him as he asked .... hmm, I wonder if you let him totally alone if he would *think* through it faster.

I'm amazed at how many people are unwilling to make their life better through counseling or a good self-help book. Dr Phil's book, Relationship Rescue talks about how people make changes after a divorce and if they would have made those changes while still married chances are they wouldn't be divorce.


Edited 2/5/2004 2:42:37 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:39pm
Days? That's not normal-man-retreating-to-cave. That sounds like he's either got anger issues or he's punishing you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:44pm
He's already ended the relationship this afternoon. I want to prove to him I don't want him to change, but I don't know how to do that when he won't interact with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
In reply to: nosirrahynnej
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:45pm
The problem is, I don't have anywhere to go.

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