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| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:56pm |
Hi -- I have a bit of a problem, and because of it I seem to have found myself dumped by my live-in boyfriend as of about 15 minutes ago.
When he gets angry, he needs complete space -- i.e. he wants me to pretend he doesn't exist. I could really use some advice on how to leave him alone until he cools off -- I always try to talk before he is ready, and I just prolong his anger. I'm one of those people who hates it when people are mad, and tries to fix it as soon as possible. Please help -- I love this man, and every other aspect of our 2 year relationship is perfect. Help me prove to him that I can do this.
Thanks,
Jenny

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As for having nowhere to go, isn't there a library or a coffee shop? Can't you head to a gym? Don't you have friends?
BTW, I tend to need time off when there are tensions w/ my BF. He knows it, and does not bug me. We rended a 2 bedroom so we have our space.
Then again i do not 'punish' him for days!
Or perhaps, another scenario might make sense. You do something that any normal person wouldn't get mad at - but your boyfriend gets mad - you start apologizing because you hate it when he gets mad and retreats for days at a time, which is totally unreasonable, after all. Sometimes you don't even know what you've done, but you're apologizing anyway, because you can't stand the silence that he's imposed and you hate to think he's mad at you. You're pretty miserable overall because he always seems to be doing this, and you seem to always be begging for forgiveness.
If the above sounds even remotely familiar, then you've got yourself a codependent relationship where he's dictating the dynamics of your relationship and you're only happy when he's happy and you're constantly apologizing because you want this relationship - despite the fact that it's totally dysfunctional and unhealthy, being in a relationship is of the utmost importance to you, so you'll do anything to keep this one going, including making apologies when really, he's the one behaving badly and he's the one who should be begging for forgiveness.
If I've hit the nail on the head at all - then end it with this man and go pursue a life where your priority is being a whole and complete person who doesn't need a relationship to make you happy, and then next time you're out looking for a relationship, find a man who isn't looking to call all the shots, that wants you as his equal and his partner, and not his emotional punching bag.
Peace - Pebbles
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