spiked drink incident -to b continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
spiked drink incident -to b continued
9
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:40pm
Well, the update goes like that. The drug ketamine was found in my blood. I quit trying to communicate with my - now - ex BF after Sunday! The two options available are both scary: Either he thinks I am a complete slut for going home with another guy (he doesn´t want to listen to anything I have to say) or he was in on the drink spiking thing all along (extremely scary and very tough to swallow)In any case, I am now three days late! I promised myself I wouldn´t freak out yet i am just a little bit. You see I am as regular as a clock and if this means what I suspect it means hen it is disaster happening in slow motion! Do I tell him? If so how is he ever going to believe me? And if he was in on it all along how will I handle the fact that I am pregnant with his child? I really hope I won´t have to answer any of these questions!

Yhanks for your support everybody!

Please offer it again if I should need it in acouple of days when i get the courage to get a pregnancy test

Love

Kristen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:48pm
Look, this would NOT be my normal recommendation...but you're not in an "average" situation.

Whether your boyfriend knew or not - he's certainly not listening, caring, and assisting you now.

If you're pregnant why don't you on your own decide what you're going to do about it and follow thru. Because one thing is certain - you'd be a single parent either way if you kept it - he wants nothing to do with you and he'll certainly want nothing to do with a lifetime of responsibility and financial obligation.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:05pm
Hey Erin! Thanks for the input. The truth is that I still find it hard to believe that I might actually be pregnant by this guy! I would much rather think that there is another reason for the missed period. I am very well aware of the fact that this man will never be a parent to my child. I have not yet thought about what I will do in case this nightmare materialises but the ethical question here would be I guess to I tell him about it or not? And if sowhat would be the best way? I guess though that this might be a topic for another advise seeking poster, one I hope that I will never have to write! It all seems very unfair. We took precautions! I have been a very sensible person in my life! I sincerely hope that a few days from now I will be reporting that the whole thing was in my head!

Point is that unfortunately bad things do happen to good people nomatter how cautious they are!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:43pm
Okay, I've been around your block, sans ketermine but with cocaine and my "willingness" to indulge in it and all the rest vs. your situation. But basically, you're asking "how do I tell a guy that will have nothing to do with me for some unknown reason that I might be having his child?"

Well, here's my way of thinking about that situation. First, if you're going to keep the child...then yes, he should know. He shouldn't find out by being served support/visitation papers...he should be TOLD by you probably via an attorney's letter given this guy is NOT stable, and NOT predictable and potentially violent or has violent and potentially murderous friends (ketermine could have ended your life...not just "got you messed up enough to sleep with") that you're pregnant, you're naming him as the father, YOU are willing to pay for paternity testing after the birth prior to getting court ordered support and visitation. (note: getting ordered to pay support and actually paying it re two entirely different things -don't budget with his support income in your figures).

He should know he has a child out there. You need an attorney involvd if you're going to do this because very likely the FIRST thing he's going to claim is that it is not his, that you left his place totally whacked out of yoru mind with some guy, and that you likely have been with other men while with him.....and keep in mind the people he runs with don't have the highest caliber of character and morals and ethics.

I was having this discussion with someone I truly respect a few nights ago and it's just afact...having been around a guy like yours appears to be, married to him, having had a child with him, and been on the run and in fear of my life for several years as a result.....that unless there is danger potntially to you or the child as a result of your disclosure of his paternity - a father has just as much "right to know, interact, parent, and support" as does the mother who bears the child and by default of that "knows she has a child out there somewhere".

In the case where both mother and child are at risk with this alliance, I personally see no need to run the risks by informing him. But that is because I'm fully apprised of the risks, having run and encountered the negative results of running them myself. Again, you need an attorney to explain in great legal detail in your state what ramifications there are of putting his name on the birth certificate - what rights it entitles him to (not just waht responsibilities you think it involves that you don't suspect he'll fulfill) - before you go informing someone that runs with this caliber of people, thus he is like them himself, that you're pregnant by him. And obviously, you need to be 100% certain you're pregnant - not just suspicious of it - leaving you subject to being blindsided, abducted and killed because he doesn't want the resonsibility and you deserve this for "tricking him".

This is all assuming that you're keeping the child and raising it.

To inform him if you're putting the child up for adoption..and he likes "screwing with people, you especially"......you stating he's the father limits your options on that adoption option until the child is here, paternity is confirmed and then if he's the father and refuses to sign off on adoption, he can then have custody. Can you think of a more negativity reality than this low-life having custody of your child? A child you're not prepared emotionally, financially, physically, mentally to raise while living your life at this moment, but now you must - because he won't sign off on adoption, and thus you cannot adopt the child out to a set of loving, financially secure, desirous to be parent adults. This would mean that the medical expenses would be footed by YOU for prenatal, birth and post-natal care - while waiting to see if it is his, and if he'll sign off on adoption at all, if he can be found to do that when you deliver. If he's on the certificate and can't be found.....you're in a catch 22 on adoption. IF he's not on the certificate, you can adopt out the child - even if you're not sure option is the route you wish to pursue until you give birth.

If you're opting for abortion........and I had one of those too...I've never quite understood why a woman does tell a man that she's doing that. Most tell thinking that he'll "be there for them" to suport them emotionally and financially in this situation. But realistically speaking...what you're saying to the guy is this...."our actions have caused ME to be in a position I refuse to accept as impactive of MY life based on MY goals and it is MY choice to eliminate OUR child. Give me money and support while I eliminate OUR child from this earth."

And here's the very scathing reality......a huge majority of men that would never support, nurture, guide, parent, or accept responsiblity for a child are ging to have a HUGE OBJECTION to THEIR child being aborted. They're not going to fund it, or support you....and some of them with funds and options might get court orders issues that prohibit you from having one.

I'm a huge propopent of accept reality as it is...not thinking of how it should be, or I thought it would be based on my assumptions or actions. The fact is...if you're pregnant he's not going to be supportive or good parental material. In light of that, it's up to you to decide the same thing here in a bigger context...that it is in dating.

Does "this" meet my needs and standards? If this pregnancy is a reality......what option do YOU wish to take....realizing none of them are ideal, or good, and that all of them will impact your life and your future to some great extent. IF you're standing there taking full responsibility for what you did.......you can now take full responsiblity for what you decide and do.

I've gone into this much detail to make it clear that if this were a dating relationship that had failed to turn to a committed status, and you were now pregnant post-breakup after tears and contact, but there was no question as to his character or his values or his ethics....I would NEVER advise you "not to tell him he is going to have a child". I would still advise you tell him "waht you're going to do about being pregnant, not so much ask his consultation about "what he wants you to do".

But I do not in any way perceive that you have any alliances in your current situation that have your well-being or best interests in their upper most agenda. In which case, this is not "dog eat dog" or mano-e-mano...but it is you, taking responsibility for what you did, and you accepting the facts as they are, and you being focused on your goals and your responsiblity to self, and YOU acting accordingly.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:54pm
Will the drug they found in your system effect the baby if you turn out to be preg?

I agree with Erin. This guy has made his position clear, you are going to have to decide on your own what you want to do.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:35pm
First things first. I know from personal experience that being under extreme duress such as you are now can affect your cycles. Whatever the truth is - it will not go away because you avoid it. Go get the pregnancy test and take it. Once you have the answer to that, then you can take appropriate steps should it be positive. There is no need to jump to the worst case scenario without knowing that answer.

Regardless of hte outcome - counseling is a good idea - you were drugged, i.e., assaulted - with the intent to inflict harm. This is something a professional should help you work through.

Best wishes - I hope this works out well for you.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 7:56am
Dear Erin. Thanks so much for taking so much of your time to offer me such an in depth analysis, especially as my situation seems to awaken painful memories for you. I am terribly sorry that you got to experience such an extreme experience by having a child with the wrong person. You might sound harsh at times but I, like you believe that there is no point in hiding from the reality as harsh as that might be! In the long run that might have adverse effects and it does impair our ability to deal with an unpleasant situation with objectivity. Sometimes it hurts to hear the worst case scenario but it definitely pays to be prepared. As I have mentioned I have always been a very responsible human being and as such I am naturally prepared to assume the responsibility for my actions in this case. No, there is nothing fair about this situation! I did think I had been cautious from day one. Still, nobody forced me to be with him and when i took the risk of sleeping with him I should also take the consequences. I have bought a home pregnancy test today so I will very soon know whether this is a theoretical discussion or a practical one. In a ny case , just to clear the matter, if I am in fact pregnant I don´t want him being a part of my life! The situation doesn´t change the fact that he is not worth much. I have also made an appointment to see a school councilor and hopefully the situation will clear up a bit in my head!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 11:22am
Ketamine is an extremely dangerous drug. It was used as an anesthetic for animals and it can produce hallucinations, aggressive behavior and flashbacks up to a year after consumption. In extreme cases it can even cause death! It is not as widely used as rohypnol but it is still powerful stuff! We should never leave drinks unattended
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:33pm
Hi I just posted this to the other board but, if it is going to help anyone out there I will be very happy. Here are some very useful links for the date rape scene ( and by the way, ketamine is an extremely dangerous drug, capable of killing)

http://www.bygirlsforgirls.org/daterape.html

http://www.stopviolence.com/rape.htm

Hope that helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 1:25pm
Thanks for the links! I do check the posts every now and again and thought they were quite useful. I will post an update if anything changes either way!