Start over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Start over?
2
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 9:59pm

I'm curious about your opinions or any experience you have with this. Is it possible to start over??

My BF and I have a rocky history this past year that we've officially been together (we had been friends prior). Before we dated, we enjoyed eachother immensely, talked for hours, laughed, made eachother feel good, etc. We had HUGE expectations when he came home from overseas (I had known him since HS, but he'd been long distance, aside from brief visits for the 2 years predecing his return a year ago), both secretly wondering if this really was IT.

From the day he arrived on, we discovered it wasn't all sunshines and roses. We have been up and down ever since. It seems as if now all we can see are the negatives after so much history. In retrospect, it probably wasn't good timing and the great expectation put lots of pressure on us. We both thought very highly of the other and were oversensitive to any perceived slights. We worked on communicating more effectively and made progress, but we had slipped in a cycle and it seems like there's so much water under the bridge that any time we feel things might have a chance, we find something (one or the other of us) to stress about and it leads back to the cycle. It sucked the fun out of a lot of things. I think we both overanalyzed about being the "one" instead of taking it a day at a time and enjoying eachother's presence. We moved so fast.

I know many would say, hey, it's just not working, lady. But I also know that we both bring some baggage to this (I was divorced a few years ago at 27 after a 7 year relationship and it really shook me. I am working through it as best I can, and recently started therapy, but it's not going to be fixed overnight). And he has his own set of circumstances (an ex fiance who took the ring while cheating on him after 7 years together), transitioning back to non-military life after 10 years away from home, family stressors with his parents who he's staying with while he figures out what to do next (living off good investments).

I don't know. I think that we both have some of our own stuff to work out. I'm generally feeling unfulfilled in my life and a sense of "what's next?" I know no one, no relationship, can fix that, but I also know we do genuinely love eachother and respect and admire many qualities about the other and we wanted it to work so much. The thought of him being out of my life makes me terribly sad. And at this stage of my life, nearing 31, I want to KNOW what the right thing is before "wasting" time. (I know it's not wasted, we're learning. I just don't exactly know WHAT we are supposed to do about it. We just always have a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop and a reluctance to really enjoy the times that are good because, according to history, it won't stay that way for long. Can we break the cycle? Has anyone ever done this? Do we need to go our separate ways for now? Is that even possible or is a break up a break up? I know I can't really move on thinking that this COULD work, hence we are still here. But I also love him and want to honor the friendship we've had for years and don't wish to drive it into the ground over insecurities/baggage, etc on each of our parts. Could it be the timing was just off? He's really doubting things right now, and while I wish he wasn't, I can't argue with a single thought because I've had them all myself. Having been so wrong about our previous long term loves though (who we were so confident WERE right), I think we both are reluctant to throw in the towel. We KNOW that it's not as easy as some think and its hard to let go of the dream of what we thought we might be. We DO have issues in communicating feelings without it leading to hurt and frustration, but I think a lot of it is because we have walls up, which we've both admitted and need to learn to let those down no matter WHO we end up with.

I know, realistically, no one can answer these questions. No one can say when enough is enough but us and no one can turn it around except us. No one can say here is a checklist to tell you if you should stay. I guess I just WISH I could somehow KNOW if it's the right thing to stay or go. I've never given up on someone I love easily, but maybe that's a flaw in me.

He said he wishes we could go back, like maybe we could just start over, as friends again without the pressure and see what happens, but is that even possible with so many feelings involved, as rational as we may try to be about it, as well as our amazing chemistry physically (which we didn't know about for the majority of our friendship)? I don't think we can BE friends again, atleast not while there is hope. Maybe in time, but I think it would have to be after it's SURELY over. Has anyone ever taken a step or two back and found it actually helped?? I do think maybe we need some breathing room, but I'm not sure I can be his pal right now.

I don't know. I am sorry this is so long, but I appreciate any words of wisdom, or advice you can offer.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:13pm

Honey, email me. You're doing it again ;)

See this sentence?
....."I think we both overanalyzed about being the "one" instead of taking it a day at a time and enjoying eachother's presence."..... Your problem and your answer is right in there.

Did you get that book I told you about? (foot tapping)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:25am
I don't think it's possible to start over, or if it happens it's very rare. You've already built up so much history (and baggage) with a person that it's impossible to forget where you've been together. You can't just take away feelings that have been building up for a long time, and you already know one another so well. I think it's possible to reconcile and start moving in a different direction, but I don't think it's possible to go back in history with someone.