Starting Fights for No Reason

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Starting Fights for No Reason
3
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:05pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and normally are very happy in our relationship, but I've noticed that I start arguements for no reason. It makes him feel bad, and I feel guilty. I don't realize that Ive done it until later. Its like a subconscious passive-aggressive thing. He knows that I'm not consciously doing it, but we just can't figure out why it happens. I have a few ideas as to why: I feel i don't deserve him or the happiness and am trying to push both away; doing it to test him- say things to get his reaction, if i don't like the response i get upset; im scared he's going to hurt me in the end so i'll do it first; im taking out my stress on him; I do it for the feeling of making up- or get too comfortable being happy and need the drama for five min. I don't if any of those are really the reasons I do it, i just wish Id stop i feel like im going to screw up the only good thing in my life because of a subconscious outburst. If anyone has any advice, id appreciate it.

*ezizabef*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:40am
Hey, I am the same way with my husband. I start random stuff out of nowhere and I do it because of most of the reasons you stated!lol! I'm on these boards because I get into fights with him and I have no idea where else to go. I know how stupid and frustrating you feel after all is said and done. I'm sorry I don't have an answer, just wanted to share the fact that we/I have the same problem. SOMEONE HELP! lol God Bless
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:17am
There is a post on the problem solving for couples board that could show you the ramifications of this type of behavior if you arent careful. You very well might want to hop over there and read it and see what a mess this woman has become since she got what she wanted. (Taking a break or breaking up???)

Sweetie, people will only take so much undeserved anger, they will eventually get up and tell you that its over. If you want to lose him, or feel as this woman does, then you are headed in the right direction. Because of 'what about me", me is now the only one she has to worry about.

Your mouth and your brain are that close for a reason, and you must learn that you always end up paying for the words that bypass the brain. If he did half of these things to you, what would that make you feel? Would "Im so sorry" take it away? No, it wouldnt. When you say things under the guise of "Im mad", you let your mouth run free and you permanently put some damage into the others self-esteem and their hearts. They will deal with those words long after you make up. They will come back to bite you in the fanny, believe me.

If it is justifiable, you STILL shouldnt try to argue, you should be attempting to communicate productively. "You know, I might be wrong to feel this way, but it bothers me when you say ....." or "Im having a problem understanding why you told me ..." It doesnt sound very accusatory, does it? Where it doesnt sound that way, he will be more receptive to actually talking and wanting to fix what you think or you feel. Clarification. If I looked at you and insulted you, would you listen to me? Nope. If I told you that I had a problem with something, would you want to help? Probably, and you would be more willing to based on how I phrased it. "Is it YOUR fault or MY fault that I dont get it? I dont know, can you help me to fix my confusion or hurt feelings?"

The easiest way to help you to understand what you are doing is to have you imagine that your relationship is a rope about 5 inches in diameter. Your words are a very sharp knife. When you create problems, imagine making one swipe against the rope. Thats the damage that you have done just by not wanting to work at controlling yourself. Is that worth it? I wouldnt think so. It seems small, but as with everything else, little adds up and unfortunately, the longer it goes, the knife goes much deeper because youve done it before so its an open area and the rope has been weakened from the strain the remaining good strands have had to hold.

Everyone knows their boundaries with each other. We dont do some things in front of our parents that we do with other people. We dont cuss out a minister or shoot a police officer. Why? We know the boundaries. In a relationship, we try out our boundaries. Everything that he is taking off you is going to make you have less respect for him. Everything that you give makes him have less respect for you. Have you ever heard, "My son is a little demon at home but at school he is an angel." Thats knowing boundaries. They go further at home, and almost always with mom, because mom will take more. Teacher wont. They know the limit, they tested it and found it, and they learned it. Adults know this too, we do it with each other, which is what causes the arguments. 'How much can I get away with".

Your words do have the ability to break your own heart, and his. People will not take this type of thing for very long. It definitely isnt a way to gain a proposal, or keep it, or a marriage.

Instead of trying to spend so much time overanalyzing 'why you did," why dont you try to think on "before I do". You can figure out the feelings you have better with his help, citing examples of your behavior. He's not going to want to help if you keep going this way, he's just going to first emotionally leave the relationship, and then secondly, physically leave it.

You dont want to be standing there in tears, whispering "Yeay. .... I won."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:44am

I think you could be reactting this way due to a number of reasons. Im not a psychologist, but il do my best to give you my opinion as an outsider...


Do you get this way when things seem to be "going well" for while?Maybe you havent fought in awhile, and wonder why things ar going so well(as if you dont deserve a drama-free relationship)..as a result you do something, or say something to raise the stress level. You are so used to being strssed, or have turmoil, that you arent comfortable having it any other way...


You may be insecure for a number of reasons...and i think that everything may ultimatley point to this....After a fight, you get a "high" from the make-up session. You said that after you get mad and start fights, he gets upset and feels bad. in turn, he is giving you more attention than he normally would, making you feel wanted...needed. You both need to work on this, something is lacking- whether from the relationship, or somewhere else in your life to make you need this attention.


When you argue, he reassures his feelings for you, which is all you needed in the first place. If you can learn to vocalize these needs, rather than starting an argument, i think you'd be on the right path. A year and a half is a big investment of both your love and time, i would reccomend looking into couples therapy also.


Best of luck to you,