State of marriage--LONG

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Registered: 06-20-2003
State of marriage--LONG
10
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:44pm

A little background...I've been married almost 3 yrs, with my husband for just short of 8. Neither he nor I have ever had doubt about being married or loving each other. We bought a house almost 2 years ago, and had fallen into a routine. I go to the gym early in the morning before work and am in bed by 9:30/10. I usually come home after work and relax. We watch TV together. That kind of stuff. He plays a sport so sometimes he has a game. It just became routine. He seems to think that whenever he asks me to do something, it's a "struggle" to get me to do it. On one hand, it is sometimes because I'm tired. But I don't think it's as bad as he makes it out to be. And certainly not someting you end a marriage over.


There have been intimacy issues--mostly on my end--throughout the marriage. For some reason,

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Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 2:40pm
I'm sorry for you loss. I may have a different outlook than you, but it seems to me that if you've been in and out of their lives for the past eight years, that you belong at the funeral services even if you were divorced. Surely you've spent holidays with them, etc. Wouldn't you go just because he used to be your father in law and to support the woman who used to be your mother in law? My situation is a little different because they also happen to be my children's grandparents and naturally I would go to support them at their time of loss. My X inlaws weren't particularly kind to me, but I'd still go pay my respects. All of that to say I think it's normal for you to participate in this no matter the current state of your marriage. For all intents and purposes you are still together and you're working on your issues. You haven't brought up a separation or divorce so why does planning around friends and the like feel odd to you?
That's interesting that you've both crossed the lines in flirting with other people. Was his dad ill before he passed? It could be that he knew this was coming and some more lines were crossed when he's vulnerable about losing a parent. He could very well be having an affair or it could be something completely different. Who knows, maybe it will come out in therapy. It sounds promising that he's willing to go, that you're both commited to working on your marriage. There is such a thing at the seven year itch...relationships are cyclical and people will break up or renew their relationship around this mark. I don't know if he's from the school of thought that you shouldn't have to work so hard if it's meant to be. You sound ready like you've already rolled up your sleeves...good luck on this.
Avatar for zephyr893
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Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 3:54pm

Thanks for the input. And maybe I gave the wrong impression, but the funeral already happened. I was there, of course, supporting the family and him. That's why I said I had spent so much time with him and his family over the last few days, hoping that would shed some perspective on him, showing him what's really important in a marriage.


And I know it's hard to work on marriage stuff while he's dealing with the loss of his dad. That's what makes living day in, day out so tough right now. Because I'm trying to respect that. But things came up this morning, and I couldn't help but talk about it.

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Registered: 11-10-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 6:21pm
It sounds like you are comfortable with your routine and he likes some variety.
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Registered: 03-06-2008
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 7:30am

"There have been intimacy issues--mostly on my end--throughout the marriage. For some reason,

Avatar for zephyr893
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Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 9:15am
We're in therapy now to deal with that issue, amongst the others. But now that things feel estranged, I'm unsure where that leaves things in terms of being intimate. It doesn't feel like the right time to suggest that, even though I have a yearning to be with him, as he's unsure that he even wants to be married to me.
Avatar for zephyr893
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Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 9:30am

I've started to suggest doing different things that I usually don't want to do, like

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Registered: 06-07-2007
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 9:10pm
I don't have any fabulous advice, I wish I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 6:41pm

You can only go one day at a time and it's great that he is receptive to you.

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Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 8:18am

"But now that things feel estranged, I'm unsure where that leaves things in terms of being intimate. It doesn't feel like the right time to suggest that, even though I have a yearning to be with him, as he's unsure that he even wants to be married to me."


Have

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 11:26am

Yes, I agree with americajin - if I were you, I would be jumping him right about now - what are you waiting for?