Stay, go, other???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Stay, go, other???
14
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:28pm
Ok here is my story, I'll try to keep it short: I'm 24 my bf is 28, been dateing 6 months, lived together for about 4, we're friends for a long time before.

He is my first real bf. I am disabled(unablet o work and on gov assistance), and the blunt truth is no guys are interested in me. Although there is someone I am interested in (actaly in love with, he was a friend of a friend that I don't see anymore). I only dated my bf in the first place because I was bored and loney, same as anyone in the past (the difference is they were horrable, often abusive, to me). He was attracted to me for a long time, so I just gave in.

Fast forward to the presant.... He is in love with me, and I am not with him. I used to love him plutonicly(sp?) but I dont think I even feel that anymore. I find it very hard to be with someone I am not mentaly or physicly attracted to. I see us as a really terrable match. But... I dont want to leave as I can not handle being alone and I know this makes me sound like a horrable person but he helps support me financhaly. And I really don't want to hurt him, he is the only person in my life who has ever loved me and I do care for him as a friend. We have talked many times about me being unhappy, he said he loves me alot and will try to change, but honestly there is nothing he can change to help. I have told him I do not love him and he is ok with it and want to try and win my love. He also knows aout the guy I am in love with. I'm so confused. I really dont see leaving as an option so please help me out with any other options. I really don't want to hurt him, but I also cant stand being in pain myself. Should I bring up seeing other people maby? . Help.

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Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:41am
YOu are going to suggest seeing other people while he still supports you? You tell him you dont love him but you "dont want to hurt him?" Regardless of my own personal confusion here, there HAS to be another way. I was married with a child, no job of my own and "found a way" to get out of a bad relationship. You dont stay with someone because they are a meal ticket, or because they are "there", or because they dont abuse you...its not enough for you or for him. If you even care for him in the slightest, you should let him go find a woman who can love him the way he does her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:37am
Well i agree on one thing, that you should not be there for the meal ticket, but because he is so good for you. Did you ever think that maybe its because u cant get past your love for someone else, where the hell is he anyways ?, no interest in you is my guess.I am almost certain you would find a lot of love for your b/f if you could get past the other one. You have 2 choices, one....find a way to love..or 2..risk being alone...Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:43pm
I am NOT with him just for "a meal ticket" actaly read my post before you reply please.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:55pm
Gee...I wonder where people got the mealticket impression from???? I think the problem is that we DID read your post....lol.

DEFINITION OF MEAL TICKET

meal ticket

n.

A card or ticket entitling the holder to a meal or meals.

Informal. A person or thing depended on as a source of financial support.



AND A FEW OF YOUR SUPPORTING STATEMENTS.

the blunt truth is no guys are interested in me.

He was attracted to me for a long time, so I just gave in.

I see us as a really terrable match.

But... I dont want to leave as I can not handle being alone

I know this makes me sound like a horrable person but he helps support me financhaly

I really dont see leaving as an option

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:35am
How do you get "meal ticket" out of that. Maby clean your glasses.

I buy all my own hair care, toothpaste, clothes.... and buy most of my own food. He just doesnt let me go hungry is all. Plus it really helps to just have someone to split the bills with. Why would a person, ie.bratgirl2002, fixate on that one item, its really sick.

The main reason I am with him, wich I though was clear, is that I am not able to handel being alone, no relation to money here. I am poor, as I am unabke to work, but money is not a deciding factor here. Things like Id be all alone, knowing id probly never have another bf, or not wanting to lose his comapnionship even thought it isnt the best, are the REAL reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 11:14am
actually, you are doing very wrong, and you know it. You are using him and Im sorry but there is no nicer way to put that. Did you do that as his friend also? Talk to him because you feel sorry for him? Wouldnt that hurt you if someone did that to you? Because it would me, I can tell you that. No one would want to be 'settled for' just because they cant get better. That is a horrible thing to do and you have to know that because I dont think you are even near to stupid.

You are trying to justify your actions by explaining that you cant make it on your own, but I gather that he hasnt been in your life taking care of you since you were able to be out of your parents house or whatever so point is that you HAVE made it on your own before him and you can without him but youve gotten used to using him and that is so unfair to him and I hope that you will let him go instead of taking advantage of him.

I wonder, how would you feel if this guy that you are so in love with got together with you and he treated you the exact same way. "Oh isnt it sweet how blind she is? She follows me screaming her love but I just use her for the sex and a place to stay." It would be cruel, wouldnt it? It would hurt, wouldnt it? It would make you feel awful because no matter how much you love that person, youre not enough but they keep you on a leash.

Im sorry if you get mad at me for not seeing your point of view, but I am not going to just tell you what you want to hear - if you want that, thats what parents are for. I see this poor man doing all that he can for you and you are pining after someone else, using him and blaming it on a disability. THAT IS WRONG. A disability is something that happens to you, but it is your choice if you are a woman with a disability or a disabled person. VERY large distinction. A woman with a disability rises above her shortcomings and thrives anyway. A 'disabled person' whines about the condition and thinks that they deserve payment for their hardships. That is not right. No one deserves more or less than anyone else in this world. Im very sorry that you have a disability, but I have seen many with disabilities function normally and thrive in life. Dont use it as an excuse, I really hate it when people do that. NOTHING condones your treatment of this man. I worked side by side with the disabled for years and I have never heard them speak of using their disability to excuse cruelty.

If you have a hard time getting the food that you need, there are government agencies that can help you in every way besides getting a check. There is HUD who can lower your housing expenses, food stamps, SSI, medical cards, help with utilities, and you can have those to eat properly and pay your bills until you can get to a better place. But using his love to fill your belly is deplorable and there is not really anything that you can say to make me think otherwise. ALSO, Goodwill was created to benefit ONLY the physically and mentally challenged so you can go there for assistance. They can even help you to acquire a modified car to get around if that is what you need. That is their sole purpose is to benefit the disabled.

I hope that no one ever does you the way that you are doing him, because then you will finally realize just how devastating it is.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:04pm
Ok...you stated you rely on him financially...now you say money is not a deciding factor. Whatever...I stand by my post....even if you DO pay for your own haircare and toothpaste...;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:03pm
Wow, panties in a wad!!!!! Its so sad how people are so quick to judge a person they know nothing about :(

I do NOT have parents, so I dont have anyone to help me out or talk to. I get buy on gov assistance, Im getting everything I can. It all comes from one agency where I am. I dont use him, I expect nothing from him and dont feel any differnt towards him if he gives me something or nothing. He KNOWS how I feel and I have asked him several times if he wants me to leave and he keeps saying hoe much he loves me no matter how I feel.

And qeuss what sweetie, I have been used and abused. Pretty much my whole life, so I DO knwo how it feels. And since Iv been there I know what it is, and I know its not what Im doing.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:13pm
LOL...ok ok...youve convinced me! You are doing NOTHING wrong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:56pm
The plain and simple fact is that people have showed you that what you are doing (not you as a person) is a bad thing, and there is no other way to describe it. Cases in point, let me show you what we see when we read your post.

...I am disabled(unablet o work and on gov assistance), and the blunt truth is no guys are interested in me. Although there is someone I am interested in (actaly in love with, he was a friend of a friend that I don't see anymore). I only dated my bf in the first place because I was bored and loney, same as anyone in the past (the difference is they were horrable, often abusive, to me). He was attracted to me for a long time, so I just gave in.

First you used him for entertainment - you were bored and lonely and he was THERE.

...He is in love with me, and I am not with him...

Easy answer that you dont want to see - leave him to find someone who can love him for who he is and is not just taking his affections and giving back nothing but false hopes in return. And gain a real love in your future instead of just existing in this one and cheating you both.

...But... I dont want to leave as I can not handle being alone and I know this makes me sound like a horrable person but he helps support me financhaly. And I really don't want to hurt him, he is the only person in my life who has ever loved me and I do care for him as a friend. ...

Again you are using him to help yourself and your wants and needs and leaving his there in the dirt. You want him around because it makes you feel better to have someone care, but do you not think that he deserves someone who can do the same thing for him? Just because no one has before, and he does, does NOT mean that he is the one for you, does it? EACH others needs are supposed to be met. Also, you stated earlier that you dont even really think of him as a friend that much anymore, but then you contradict yourself to try and justify why you do what you do. You know its wrong and that is why you are feeling bad about it, but when anyone else points this out, you are getting enraged and defensive. Look carefully at what that might mean.You also say its not about money, yet what did you just put?

...We have talked many times about me being unhappy, he said he loves me alot and will try to change, but honestly there is nothing he can change to help. I have told him I do not love him and he is ok with it and want to try and win my love. He also knows aout the guy I am in love with....

Of course there isnt any way that he can change for you, and its sad that this hurts him so much that he feels he has to deny who he really is so that you will like him. Over the other guy, he is now in competition mode. You know yourself, and say so, that there is nothing that he can do to win your love, yet you let him keep trying. Is this not cruel to you? Have you had this done? You say that you have yet at the same time, trying to justify why this is right. There is not anyway that it is.

Also on your next posts...

...Maby clean your glasses. I buy all my own hair care, toothpaste, clothes.... and buy most of my own food. He just doesnt let me go hungry is all. Plus it really helps to just have someone to split the bills with. Why would a person, ie.bratgirl2002, fixate on that one item, its really sick.

The main reason I am with him, wich I though was clear, is that I am not able to handel being alone, no relation to money here. I am poor, as I am unabke to work, but money is not a deciding factor here. Things like Id be all alone, knowing id probly never have another bf, or not wanting to lose his comapnionship even thought it isnt the best, are the REAL reasons. ...

First of all you are insulting people just because they dont give the advice that you want. I dont see her being sick for pointing out the gist of what is going on here, I think she was dead on on the situation.

As far as your real reasons, it is still using him for your own gain and turning a blind eye to what he, as a person, and a friend, and a companion, needs. You dont want to be lonely? Well, I just dont think that any of us do, but Id rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else.

Believe me your reasons are very clear, you stated them quite plainly, but the simple fact of the matter is that you are trying to play down the importance of your actions and trying to justify why you would hurt this man who evidently thinks the world of you.

Also, your local Goodwill is totally non-profit and non government. It is made solely for the disabled, as I said. You should look into that. There are also churches who sponsor families or persons who need assistance. Getting what you can federally is not the only way that you can go, there are several programs that work on donation basis that do everything they can to pay your bills and to help you get food. So there is not your excuse.

I do think that your main issue is that you dont want to be alone, more than anything. True, the money for food, or food itself, is a plus, but I think that you are scared of being on your own. That is using him, and if you are lucky enough to have avoided having that done to you, then I hope it never does, but that is what you are doing to this guy who has his heart on his sleeve for you and it is wrong. As I said, would you like for that other guy that you care so much for to come to you, you are so deeply in love with him, and then he uses you like you have this man? Can you not empathize with his side of your relationship at all?

I wish that you would simply do the right thing and take up for yourself instead of this. Yes, you are living more comfortably, AT HIS COST ONLY emotionally. You are only as dependant or independant as you choose to be. Thats the sad truth of it. Am I sorry that no one has cared for you? Of course, but at the same time I dont see how, if that is true, you can stand doing the same thing to this man.

All that I see is your insulting people who tell you the only way that you could do this with a clear conscience, which is to leave. I left with two children 15 months apart from a husband who drank nonstop, beat me, mentally abused me, you name it. It was the hardest and most hurtful decision that I ever had to make. But at least my hurt and worries were clean ones. I wish you could do the same for yourself, and for him and to be fair.

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