Stay, go, other???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Stay, go, other???
14
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:28pm
Ok here is my story, I'll try to keep it short: I'm 24 my bf is 28, been dateing 6 months, lived together for about 4, we're friends for a long time before.

He is my first real bf. I am disabled(unablet o work and on gov assistance), and the blunt truth is no guys are interested in me. Although there is someone I am interested in (actaly in love with, he was a friend of a friend that I don't see anymore). I only dated my bf in the first place because I was bored and loney, same as anyone in the past (the difference is they were horrable, often abusive, to me). He was attracted to me for a long time, so I just gave in.

Fast forward to the presant.... He is in love with me, and I am not with him. I used to love him plutonicly(sp?) but I dont think I even feel that anymore. I find it very hard to be with someone I am not mentaly or physicly attracted to. I see us as a really terrable match. But... I dont want to leave as I can not handle being alone and I know this makes me sound like a horrable person but he helps support me financhaly. And I really don't want to hurt him, he is the only person in my life who has ever loved me and I do care for him as a friend. We have talked many times about me being unhappy, he said he loves me alot and will try to change, but honestly there is nothing he can change to help. I have told him I do not love him and he is ok with it and want to try and win my love. He also knows aout the guy I am in love with. I'm so confused. I really dont see leaving as an option so please help me out with any other options. I really don't want to hurt him, but I also cant stand being in pain myself. Should I bring up seeing other people maby? . Help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:05pm
I am very disapointed that I even have to post this, but I want it clear that I am not here to argue, debate, be picked on... or anything negative at all. I am here simple for advice and suport. I have literaly no one to talk to about this stuff and I was hopeing this was a safe place to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:21pm
I understand where you are coming from. When I first met my bf he said he loved me but I didn't love him back. It is always best to put yourself in someone elses shoes. You say there is s guy that you are in love with, now would if he didn't love you stung you around b/c you helped him money wise? You need to tell the person that you are in love with that this cannot work. B/c it is just going to wear the both of you down. Although it may seem like it would hurt him too much to leave him it will be best for him in the long run. I can only imagine how it would feel to love someone and you not love him back. One thing he has to realize is you can't change the way someone thinks or feels and once he completly understands that then I think it will be a lot easier for him to move on. And even if he still wants you as a part of his life, which he prob will, do not just use him for his money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 6:30pm
If you expect nothing from him and you don't love him what are you getting out of the realtionship. Are you truly happy?? A realtionship should be fun and exciting and of course have some problems. I think you two should reamin just as friends, bc/ when emotions get involved and on person feels stronger than the other, it can have soe bad consequences
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 1:32pm

hi there and hugs. I understand that you are disabled and on some kind of gov assistance. and i understand that that is not enuf to support you (?), and you feel that you "need" to be living with this guy, or another guy, because you are afraid to be alone. all that is quite understandable.


I think, that your situation is not any different from other people who stay in unhealthy situations because they don't want to be alone, because they are afraid 'who is going to want me'. I can tell you that i am not disabled, i work, etc, but i also got into a very unhealhty marriage because i was afraid to be alone, i was afraid that nobody would want me because i was fat. but of course i understand now (and i think you understand too) that this is not a good reason to get into and stay in a bad relationship.


and of course, i hope you understand, that leaving one unhealthy relationship and grabbing onto another 'lifeline' is not a healthy thing to do either.


I was wondering, and i do not want to pry or anything, but i was wondering if ther is any way that you could be trained for SOME kind of work or career, something that will help you to become self sufficient. is your disability permanent or temporary? I can tell you that i happen to work with a woman who is emotionally disabled, but she is a wonderful co-worker, we don't even notice most of the time that she has severe problems (she is also mildly physically disabled but she works fine). also, i was wondering if you could possibly be eligible for some kind of government housing? could you live with another person (not a boy friend, more like a roomate) so that you could share household expenses?

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