Stay or Go?
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Stay or Go?
| Sat, 08-07-2004 - 9:48pm |
I've been dating my fiance for almost 3 years now. We have been engaged for 1 year. I asked him to marry me and we have started basic planning on our wedding for May 2005. Within the past 2 months, after I graduated, I moved to a different state to start a job while he stayed behind a month. For a month we were apart without seeing eachother once.I missed him during that month alot, but once he got here, I didn't seem to care. We are both in the same state living about 20 mins from eachother. I live alone in my apartment and he lives with his parents. I hardly see him since I work during the day and he works at night. He doesn't want to move in with me because he fears his parents won't approve. In fact, he doesn't even want to sleep over because his father disagrees with it. He's 24 years old, and I am 23. I have started my career and he, well he hasn't even finished college yet. I do quite a bit for him, I pay for most of our food, I buy him gifts and now I am sick of taking care of him, I want him to take care of me. He's never even bought me a present for my birthday. Whereas I have worked long hours to spend money on him. When we picked out my ring, I have been the only one making payments on it. My fiance is also great at making promises he can't keep.He's made so many and broken them all, I've come to expect it. His job takes priority to me and he's only a server. I am sick of being treated as secondary to all else. I love him so much, but I am wondering if I realy love him as a future husband or just a friend? I have recently started having an affair and because I never see my fiance, it's fairly easy. I find myself not caring if I see my fiance or not. Most days I would rather spend time with the person I am having an affair with. I want to take a "break" from our relationship so that I know if I am really ready to marry him, but I tried to break up with him and he just begged me to stay with him. I have told him I am sick of being treated so poorly and I have given him 2 months to shape up or it would be over. He has one month left and while I've seen some changes in him, I still pursue the affair and I don't feel the same towards him as I used to.I don't think I'm ready to marry someone that can't even take care of himself. My best friend tells me I need to break up with him, even my own mother doesn't believe that we should go through with it. I feel that if I am asking this question I am obviously not ready. I am just afraid that of what he will think of me if I ask for a break. Is that the best decision? I really need help on this, I know I deserve better than this but I am so afraid of the outcome that I can't do it. He's seen me at my worst and still loves me, but I am afraid I am only going through the motions. I am afraid I don't truly love him anymore. Should I stick with it and hope he changes? Or should I take this opportunity to move on and find someone that can better take care of both himself and me?

It is obvious that you are not happy with him and it is really not fair to the both of you to stay in a relationship where you are not happy with him. Marrying him is not going to fix the problems and it is not going to make you happy with him. It is not going to make him grow up and it is not going to make him take care of you. Also, it seems to me that he is not ready to get married by his lack of interest in your relationship.
To address your affair. This is the ultimate reason to break things off with your fiance. It is not fair to him for you to be cheating on him while he is obviously oblivious to this. Does the other man know that you are going to be a married woman next year? Does he even know about your fiance? If not he needs to know and so does your fiance. Don't make excuses to justify your cheating. If you truly were in love with your fiance, cheating on him would be unimaginable.
You are not in love with your fiance anymore. Don't marry him. You will only regret it.
this is not a relationship. unfortunately - neither of you are ready for a committed relationship, much less a marriage.
i also think you should seek counseling for yourself - if you think its ok to be engaged, and then have an affair with another guy, you really should get some help.
good luck