Stay or go?--dating 5yrs & 1 kid later
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Stay or go?--dating 5yrs & 1 kid later
| Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:40pm |
I have been friends with this guy for about 10 years, we met in college. We have been friends ever since and have seen each other go through other relationships. (I was married when we met). Heck, I had even set him up with someone he dated for 3 years. ANYWAY. About 6 years ago, I got divorced. Shortly after, we started hanging out more, but still as friends. Then it turned into something more. We have been going out for the past 5 years, more seriously so the last 3, and about 10 months ago, we had a baby. My boyfriend is comforting, compassionate, and a great guy. We have never really argued. But our relationship has pretty much stayed the same. We see each other one or two nights a week. We don't live in the same town, but we're only about 30 minutes away. He works 3 jobs, I only work one but have 2 children, other than the baby, to chauffeur around. We are both really busy as far as the amount of time we have to see each other.
The problem is, this is as far as the relationship has gone. He is 15 years my senior, so he's the mature intellectual type. Knowing as long as I have, I have seen a drastic change in him. He's a very private, secretive person by nature. But he has opened up to me A LOT over the last 3 years, as compared to before. And he says he enjoys spending family time together and how much he enjoys being a family...but there's no ring...we aren't even sharing the same address....when is long enough, long enough? How many more years am I to spend waiting around to see if this relationship goes any further? He's happy with the way things are, and "who knows what will happen in the future" and "maybe someday he'll be ready for marriage." Those have come from him....but how long am I suppose to stick around to find out? It's been 5 years already....like I said though....our relationship has advanced in that time, but just not quite enough for me. I'm tired of being lonely and he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why I am lonely when I have him....I'm fine when we are together, it's just the other 5 or 6 days in the week. Having a baby to chase after just makes it that much more exasperating. How do you know when to stay and when to move on? I can play devil's advocate for both sides and it's tearing me up inside. When I have brought it up in the past, he is completely amazed about my unhappiness because he is quite comfortable with our family unit as it is right now. He does hate that he is so busy and it keeps him away...and he cares about my other two children so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!?!?
The problem is, this is as far as the relationship has gone. He is 15 years my senior, so he's the mature intellectual type. Knowing as long as I have, I have seen a drastic change in him. He's a very private, secretive person by nature. But he has opened up to me A LOT over the last 3 years, as compared to before. And he says he enjoys spending family time together and how much he enjoys being a family...but there's no ring...we aren't even sharing the same address....when is long enough, long enough? How many more years am I to spend waiting around to see if this relationship goes any further? He's happy with the way things are, and "who knows what will happen in the future" and "maybe someday he'll be ready for marriage." Those have come from him....but how long am I suppose to stick around to find out? It's been 5 years already....like I said though....our relationship has advanced in that time, but just not quite enough for me. I'm tired of being lonely and he doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why I am lonely when I have him....I'm fine when we are together, it's just the other 5 or 6 days in the week. Having a baby to chase after just makes it that much more exasperating. How do you know when to stay and when to move on? I can play devil's advocate for both sides and it's tearing me up inside. When I have brought it up in the past, he is completely amazed about my unhappiness because he is quite comfortable with our family unit as it is right now. He does hate that he is so busy and it keeps him away...and he cares about my other two children so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!?!?

Different individuals have different needs in relationships, and are happy with various kinds of arrangements. Clearly, the guy you've got is delighted with the way things are. He is only around minimally and does not have the many responsibilities that goes with marriage or a live in relationship. He is getting the benefit of having you there when he wants you (and also a sense of family) without having to do much for it. Most women (and most men as well) want more than that in a relationship. There is a huge difference between having someone truly commtited to you and living with you. Even if the person has to work many jobs you are together at the end of the day and in the morning, and on week-ends and are a solid unit.
What I don't understand is why you are waiting for things to change? There has been no indication that he wants things to be different. There is no indication that the two of you are working towards getting married. Perhaps you have been holding onto these dreams in your mind. But please realize he has done nothing as far as I can tell to go along with these wishes or to tell you he is sharing them.
If you want more, there is no reason to think he will give it to you. I would bring this up to him clearly. Just because he can't understand why you're lonely or not fulfilled with the relationship doesn't mean there is something wrong with your feeling that way. It's perfectly natural and understandable. It seems he cannot empathize with your feelings and has no real idea of what is truly needed in a satisfying relationship.
Get yourself some counselling about this. Get help to become clear and able to either make strong deadlines
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
One time I tried taking a stand and just saying it's over because he just was never going to be able to give me what I needed. Yeah, it lasted about a week. He was really persistant on trying to make me happy and trying to tell me how much he wants to be with me and so on. But nothing has changed. And he's still going to have to be around to see the baby. So, I can't blow him off completely and be done cold turkey. And he is a good daddy, so he wouldn't stand not to see his son. Not that I would keep him away from him, but how do I move on still seeing him? And he's my best friend too...it hurts so much thinking about not being with him.
In the end, I know I must move on, I just don't know if I can.
Look at it this way -- your boyfriend is having his cake and eating it too - and you are shouldered with all the responsibility - how is that fair? And how can he then turn around and be 'amazed' that you're unhappy - what woman wouldn't be unhappy in your situation?
I am a single parent, so I do understand what you must be going through, but really, I think you need to get tough - you are being shafted and your boyfriend is getting exactly what he wants -- nobody said relationships didn't involve compromise - that is except for your boyfriend who seems to think that he's exempt from that rule.
Tell him that you are happy for him to have as much contact as he wants with his son, but that your relationship is over because it is not meeting your needs and you want a clean break so that you will be in a position to meet somebody who wants the same things as you do.
Sorry this is such a difficult time for you.
Coolas
Why does this have to be SO hard?
My life is soooo much better than it ever was with him - I am no longer wishing my life away - wishing that my husband would be different than what he was.
It will be incredibly hard to follow-thru - but what choice do you have? This man is not giving you what you want - you've told him repeatedly and he tries to make it seem like you're the crazy one! You need to get angry and you need to accept that this might mean that you are alone, which is probably what's scaring you - but trust me, it can be very liberating - I am a far happier, more well-rounded human being than I ever was when I was taking the scraps my husband threw at me.
Don't accept anything less than you deserve - in doing so, you come across as somebody who has no convictions and little ability to stand up for what you believe in.
The strength is within you - you just have to find it.
My thoughts are with you - be strong!
Coolas