Stay or go ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2011
Stay or go ???
11
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 9:09pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 5:19am

Amy, you're NOT helpless.   Helpless is being tied to a chair with your mouth gagged.    

How about you tell us what you want to do.  If you want out, let us help you gain the courage 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 4:18am

No sorry would not do that - but i just want him to realise he too may have a prib ..but im helpless whilst he treating me this way as he would only say "read it again " and say that im all of those , as for adding disgusting virtuals to his f/b page -i think he is terrible doing this esp when supposed to be engaged !! Im afraid e text to say that i just cant see what iv done !! not replied . Its the fact i enjoy mt son as much as him -him moreso as e says i dont suggest anything to do , well i work full time he doesnt .... although supposidly looking . and when i did ask for help on booking a holiday (last one as son going college ) he wouldnt help me look i paid and we went for a week my son and g/f had twin beds in a room and we had one nxt door .my son an g/f are both 18/19 yrs ....partner made that the most waful holiday ...he disagread with them sharing a room and made my life hell by stopping in his room all week ...and i mean all week til we came home on sat ...it was embarrasing for the whole family ..he does not want my son to live with us as he is off to uni ..he should be living in and not in our lives and we will be moving away to a place we both decided would be ok ....now my son applied in that ares partner now says e is going to live down south just to be spiteful and he said ""you wont come cause you will be mothering your son "" I really not sure what to say to hom about this behaviour xxx 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 1:28am

Posting something about abuse to your FB page is a very odd way to address this problem.  What outcome are you hoping to achieve?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2011
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:23pm

Thank you for your reply -ill take a look : ) and if it fits ill prob put it on my f/b page well the classic signs lol ,,,,,and if the cap does not fit him or does not apply ---he should say nothing!!!!!!!!!! Lol xxthanks andill get back once done and ley you know xx 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2011
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 1:51pm
Thank you for your reply,He is a bully in form of a charmer with a "Do as i say not as i do!" attitude , He went mad even when i added a old school friend on f/b who showed a tatoo on his back and what a low life i was/am . only to find yesterday he's added a woman who's page has explicit pics of nudity and even mens parts and women with their knickers down -i could not believe it - but dare i say ...No he will either call me stupid or just not answer ,,because he says "he does'nt have to " Arrrggghhh !! xx
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 11:47am
If you have so much trouble with this guy then why are you with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 9:00pm

Amy,  with the extra information you've given, I agree with the poster who said that it sounds like he's a bully.   It appears that you don't like or respect him.   It sounds like many of your needs aren't getting met.   The two of you aren't married, so what's stopping you from just dumping him and moving on?

Like I said in my first post, I don't like getting into rights or wrongs.  But it seems like this is important to you, so I'll answer your question about what I see that you are doing wrong.   

In short, it does sound like you can be passive-aggressive and that you can be stubborn to make a point - even if the outcome for you isn't as good for you as it could be.   It also sounds like you're simmering about what he's doing wrong but perhaps not being as pro-active as you can to address it.     Yes, sometimes being pro-active can result in a fight or disagreement...but this is also what must be done to determine if someone is suitable for us.   If the issues can't be resolved, then we need to write the relationship off.

As for the long answer, you've deleted your first post, so I'm working off memory here.

You were upset because he took a female work acquaintance out to dinner alone.  I understand why this would bother you.  But when he invited you to join them at his house (he is acknowledging your desire to be included!)  you declined because you felt like you'd be just a kitchen hand.   And you were upset because he said your social networking skills weren't great (perhaps he was simply being honest?).   Thing is, if you don't want to be a kitchen hand, then don't walk into the kitchen.  And put on your best social skills and prove him wrong.   

Then you were upset because he said that he will still see her if you're not around.  But as you've declined to meet her, I'm not sure what he's supposed to do instead.   What if you'd met her over the dinner, found you got on well and were invited to future dinners?    This would be problem solved.

Both of these issues indicate the passive-aggressive side of you.  

You were upset because he asked on FB if something is wrong and you said you don't want to talk about it online.  He said "bye".  Your wording was dismissive so he just did what you asked.  I'm not sure how his behaviour was wrong here.

He's asking you to pay for yourself when you go out.   In these of equality, I see nothing wrong with a woman paying for herself.   If you can't afford to go out, you need to discuss an alternative option with him.    Likewise with the holiday issue.   It's fair for you to pay for yourself.   But if you don't like/can't afford/want to go somewhere else to what he's booked, then say "NO".     And if he refuses to negotiate with venues and holidays, then dump him.    Thing is, you've either got to address it and fix it - or leave.    Holding onto resentment achieves nothing..

You're upset because he laughs at your spellos on FB.  Some spellos and typos can be really funny!   Especially if it changes the meaning of a sentence.    I don't know if he does this regularly or just a couple of really funny times.   But if your spellos are frequent and you don't like having attention drawn to them, then fix your spelling.  Honestly, frequent miss-spells aren't a good look.   With all the spell checking thingies out there, poor spelling can be addressed.

You worry because he fiddles with your skin.  You said that you assume that he's checking for the state of your flabbiness or something.    Does he openly criticise your body or is it just you making assumptions?    If it's the latter, have you considered that playing with fat bits is fun?   Hubby and I do this sometimes.   I love the way the wibbly wobbly bits contort and come back to the shape they were.

You're upset because he won't invite your parents to Xmas?    Amy, if you want to be with your parents, then invite them to your house and leave him with his own family.   If he doesn't like being without you, tell him that if he doesn't accept your family, then he can be on his own.

Now, I don't want it to seem like I think you're the only one doing things wrong.  Because he's doing lots of bad stuff too.  But I do see that you're putting up with his behaviours and simmering about them when they should have been addressed long ago.     I can only reiterate that you're not married - so if you don't like what he does, then leave him.    It doesn't matter who's right or wrong - all that matters is that you find someone who's compatible with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: geoteo
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:35pm

Why would anyone put up with this guy?  He sounds like a bully and a loser.  You can do better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:54am
4 yrs then a break of21 months , and been back 2yrs ...can you pls tell me what you see in the above that i am doing that would bother you ? if some one wont talk is it best to walk away and just say you know where i am if you decide to ! (which i now have said)and leave well alone , i feel let down he feels he has the right to put me down and even began tellin him about a dream and he said ..just shut up !! its like i cant talk bout my family as he thinks they are nonads(low class people )his family is GREAT...not a word to be said e wont have my 84 yr old mom for xmas dinner as he dislikes her and says she minipulates me ....but his mom is invited along with his grown up kids , my son is invited but no one else esp my Bro as he knows we are close and he accused 's me of having unnatural incest relationship as he sees it ,with him which is so stupid, i have a sister with cancer if i see her he says im always putting him last and he is sick of it ,,he takes himself off on holidays abroad without consultation and when e asks me to go ....e then tells me how much my half to pay is ??? xx hope this helps
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 5:20am

Hi aihesbrook, welcome to the board.  

I think both of you are keeping up with the other in the blame game of right vs wrong.   And it's not getting either of you anywhere.   Thing is, right and wrong is all about perspective.  He's doing what's right for him and you're doing what's right for you.   

If i had to take sides, I'd say it was impossible for me.  I can see things he's doing which would rub me up the wrong way and I can see things that you're doing which would also bother me.

Before I go further, I'm curious as to how long you've been together and if this is the first major falling out you've had.  Or is this just the latest in a series of problems?