Stay together or take time apart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Stay together or take time apart?
3
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 11:40am
Hello. My sweetie and I have been together for four years. Lately, we have been having a lot of problems - most of which are my fault. I have changed a lot since we first started living together. I'm not as patient, I'm quick to anger, and I'm not as sensitive as I used to be. I think this is a result of conflicts we have had throughout the years - both of our faults and also due to frustrations dealing with both of our families. I know that I need to change. I want to change. I do not like the person I've become. I want to be the same person (sweet, loving, patient, caring...) that I used to be. I told my sweetie that I need some time to meditate, have quiet time, search within myself, etc. We love each other very much. We do not want to separate. However, this is very difficult and painful. When we are together, we hurt each other (emotionally), but when we are apart, we cannot stand it. What should we do? We have been each other's best friends for the past 4 years. We have been each other's worlds. Should we take a trial separation while I work on my issues and I find myself again or should we stay together and try to work things out? We are afraid of losing each other if we take some time apart, but if we continue on this track we will end up losing each other. We are desperate for help. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:54pm
What youre feeling is natural! You are going through the "getting to know your habit stage and what you're really like stage". Anyone you make this step with will be the same way. You are so accustomed to your own lifestyle that your not mixing both together with a balance. You have to both set grounds for eachother and rules of the household. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise. Combining lifestyles- nobody says its easy, however, live in relationships take alot of give and take. You have to be willing to let him have his rein at times and he has to be willing to do the same with you. This is when you learn if your love is strong enough to stay together or apart. However spending every minute together is not healthy! He you cant bear being apart, its healthy for you to spend more time out and away from him. This is #1 rule with living with someone. If you are with him 24-7 you will naturaly get aggetated and angry alot. Relationships arent spent by eachothers sides all the time. You have to have weekends to yourself. Try kicking him out on the weekends, make him go camping etc. Do this for yourselves every month. Take 2 weekends out of the month to go do what you want to do and he does what he wants to do. Dont spend them by eachothers sides. You will find your aggitation and problems wont be so bad later! I promase. stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:58pm
MOVE OUT.

I say that because that's what I did. We loved each other so much but couldnt get along when I moved in with him. Things got worse and worse and I couldnt think of what to do, so I did something that I thought would kill our relationship BUT save myself; i moved out after one year.

After I left ( which happened only a month ago) things were weird, BUT I had SOO much faith in us and the relationship that I worked hard to convince him that it was going to work (most men see the "moving out" thing as a break up) and it did! Love should never be contingent on weather you live together or not.

We talk about how maybe a few months from now, we can come back and talk about moving back in with some rules and regulations established to prevent the emotional confrontations from ever happening again.

Relationships are work, but they shouldnt be SUCH hard work. You might love each other, but maybe moving in together wasnt the best thing JUST YET.

.. just my 2 cents... Missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:11pm
Why not start counseling right now for you, to work on the issues you have identified and start the process, to find out why you are unhappy and why you have the reactions that you have.

Reading material:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page


Carrie