Step parenting blues!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Step parenting blues!!
37
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 5:44pm
HELP!! My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs and we have a 5 yr old son .Recently we gained full custody of his 11 yr old son.Everybody says what such a good kid he is ..but let me tell ya!! That kid has tried to come between us from day 1!! He will fight and argue with me about anything then when his dad is involved he does what hes told!! Makes me look evil!! I try to be nice and get along with him..but I have certain expectations from an 11 yr old that no one else does!! I think he should be making his bed and hanging his own clothes and putting his dishes in the dish washer and small things like that..but it is a constant battle to get him to do them!! When his dad is there he does them right away but when its me he says I'll do it later or in a minute or wont even do it at all!! His dad had told him ,when we first got married that he didnt have to listen to anybody but him!! PROBLEM #1!!!My husband and i fight alot more now that he lives with us and he just sits back with htis little grin on his face that I just wanna RIP off!!But I am the problem , my husband says!! I am tired and about ready to leave the situation but my 5 yr old needs his dad , too...right???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:41pm

I feel for you. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I'm not very fond of tweens so I thought I'd speak up and offer some support.

I think there's also a step-parenting board somewhere on this site. Here is the link to the family/parenting board. http://parenting.ivillage.com/messageboards#6qszpfzs

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:52pm

Hi mamabase,


I recommend you check out the step-parenting board as well, but wanted to add:


::My husband and i fight alot more now that he lives with us and he just sits back with htis little grin on his face that I just wanna RIP off!!


Sounds like your step-son enjoys causing havoc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:18pm

I understand the plight of being married to a man with a child who lives with you. I also know what it's like to raise a step-son who knows how to manipulate. I was expected to work, cook, clean, help my SS with homework, take him to the doctors, dentist, religious classes, sports activities and go to school conferences, etc. The teachers contacted me whenever there was an issue because my ex was not around when problems needed addressing. I would punish my step son only to have my (now ex) husband walk in the door at night and undo it. I finally realized how disrespectful my ex was after I invested 13 years with this man. After I divorced, my councelor told me I should have left 5 years sooner!

Your husband and your step son appear to have little regard for your reasonable rules.
What do you think your husband is teaching your 5 year old by allowing your stepson to disrespect you? I think that's a major problem that needs to be addressed before your son starts to treat you the way your step son does. Go to a councelor who deals with step parenting issues. Yes, your son needs a dad, but one who teaches respect and values.

gridphn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:02am
THANKS for the family/parenting info..I NEED IT!!! THANKS again and God Bless !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:10am
I have considered ending the marriage..many times.I love my husband and don't know what I'll ever do with out him BUT on the other hand ..I should be able to be happy to.My husband always tells me to 'loosen up and have fun" but I guess I am afraid to let go cuz right now I AM THE ONLY parent in our house!If I could just get through to him!! I have prayed about this and things seem to get better for a few days then its right back to normal!! Thanks for the books..I'll definetly look into them!! This is a GREAT place to vent!!GOD BLESS!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:25am
A couple of weeks ago .my sons taecher stopped me at school ( he goes to preschool) and told me that he has been acting out in class.Doing things that he has never done before, like talking back and telling her he'll do it in a minute-instaed of hopping up and doing it right now like he always does- and other things.She asked me if there had been any changes at home or in his life ...DUH!!This was only weeks after we got custody and I begin to feel my life being sucked away!!As she told me that it HIT me HARD!! That is EXACTLY how my SS talks to me!!I told her to deal with it however she felt needed at scholl and that I would be making some changes at home..immediately I called my husband and shared this with him and he didnt seem to get it!! I asked him then to talk with my SS and try to stop this!!SURPRISINGLY he did and things got better-for a short while! Maybe I am expecting to much!! I have friends with step kids and they all get along so well..sometimes I think maybe it is me..my husband says I stay on him alot to do things but he doesnt LISTEN!!! Hes 11 shouldnt he be able to pee in the toilet WITHOUT hitting the floor???My 5 yr old has better aim then him!! So I make him clean it up..why should I ..I didnt do it!!Thats a BIGGY around home..my husband will say "justleave him alone" right there in front of him and he will continue sitting there ,but i will keep on at him til my husband and I get in a fight!!I need my husband to understand me and how to be a parent! My ss comes from a mommy that is now in rehab and has been living with her parents,so he has been PETTED to death and back and i say enough!! Time for him to take some responisibility for himself!! AM I WRONG???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:55am

Hi again,


There has to be a middle ground, would he be willing to go to counseling with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:08pm
NOPE!! I have brought that up many times..telling him that we need to sit down with some one and tell our stories and if they can tell me that I am wrong then I will work on it but if they tell him that he is wrong then he needs to work on it..I think he is afraid of being told that he is wrong and thats why he wont go!!I have been reading on ivillage in the family/parenting and according to that I should step back and MAKE him step up!! No matter how much my ss acts out I should just ignore punishing him until my husband HAS to step in and do it!!UGH....not sure I can do that!! I am afraid my patience has been tested to many times and will not be able to hold out!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:13pm

Are you in the US?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:19pm
Apparently not!! Or maybe he doesnt care ..we arent exactly speaking right now..childish unh?? I 'm not sure why but he acts like I ma not there..I cooked supper last night and me and the kids went to church and he wouldnt eat it..said he didnt feel like it..thats the 2 nd night in a row!!so tonight its hotdogs!!LOL!!anyways..I have seriously thought about nanny911 but my 5 yr old is terrified of her!! HEHE!!Hes afraid she'll make him sleep in his own bed..I KNOW he should be ..thats another message board..LOL!! I am going to continue reading on the family/parenting page and hopefully figure something out!!!THANKS for the input!!!Pray for me!!

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