Sticky Situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sticky Situation
6
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:11pm
Hey everyone. I’ve never posted here before, but I’m in need of some advice. I met this guy about 2 months ago through a mutual friend. We found that we had a lot in common. He asked me on a date after about 3 weeks. And, of course, I was excited! But…here’s the kicker…his fiancé has recently broken up with him. Of course, this sent up the red flag. I really didn’t want to be a rebound and this is a really touchy situation. Although, I was informed by the mutual friend that he knew for months that she was going to end it. So, needless to say, I’m proceeding cautiously. After about 4 or 5 dates, he decided that he wanted to date exclusively. I agreed…I really like this guy! So after deciding to take things slow, we have been bf/gf for about a week and a half now. Everything was going great…at least I thought so. However, I’ve been reluctant to have sex with him, considering his recent past. There has really been tension between us lately. Well, now he decided that we should “take it down a notch.” I assume that means we’re not exclusive anymore. However, he still wants to continue dating. He assures me that it has nothing to do with sex and that I wasn’t a “trial run”. He says that we apparently have different “views.” And, don’t get me wrong; I completely understand his current situation with the ex-fiancé. I respect that. It’s a huge commitment and I’m sure it’s not easy to get over.

SO…there’s my situation in a nutshell. What do you make of this? Am I being naive here? Was he in it only for sex or is it just incredibly bad timing? Should I just give up on trying to make something happen? I really don’t want to see anyone else right now.

Thanks for your thoughts! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:22pm
Did he ask you for sex often or push for sex on a regular basis? If so, how did you respond and reject him? Did you state what you needed to have before you would consider sex?

If you can answer these questions it will be a better indicator if he was in it just for sex. Based on what you have written, it is impossible to know for sure. It could just as easily be that the two of you want very different things out of life, hence the "different views" comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:32pm
I think you're unaware that dating for lots of people does include sex - prior to any type of commitment to a future. It's not uncommon to agree to exclusivity in dating in order to "get to sex" - but once at sex and exclusivity physically - there is no guarantee of emotional bond or a desire for any commitment at any point by either party.

I think he set out to "date" you - which is just fun, sex, companionship, sharing conversations, events and ideas. He knew that most people that are intelligent won't have sex without an arrangement for dating exclusivity and he asked for that. And now you're still reluctnt to have sex.

He's looking for fun, sex, companionship, sharing conversations, events and ideas. He is NOT looking to commit to meeting someone's needs and considering them in his every move, etc. - particularly someone he doesn't know.

So now he wants to "take it down a notch"....which I would take to mean that you probably won't be seeing much of him anymore.

Because you just assumed, from the sound of it, that him dating meant he was wanting a relationship at some point. And you're holding out on sex until there is emotional bond and commitment and involvement.

And he's saying - I'm too raw for that, I'm not ready to jump into all that again - but I do want to have fun, sex, and companionship - so I'll date people, I'm just not going to have a relationship.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:09pm
I kind of agree with you.

Some guys say "exclusive" when they mean sex without a guarantee of committment. Because he just got out of a relationship he probably wants to date around and have fun and sex, but I don't think that means he never cared for you, that's good that you understand that. However, from your post I don't think you were looking for a big emotional committment before you have sex with him. It more sounds like you want to wait a couple of weeks to spare yourself from getting used. You know like, because he just split with her you just want a little more time before you jump in the sack...which I think is smart. You don't have to wait for 1 year, but I don't see what's wrong with a couple of weeks. If he "took it down a notch" just because you weren't putting out, he's obviously not someone you want to be with. But thats what you need to find out. If taking it down a notch is dating other people but he still see's you and is drawn more towards you, then I think it's not bad. But if it means he see's 10 other girls and sleeps with them and still wants to date...well that's obviously something you should run from.

I say just wait a week and see if he means that you are no longer seeing eachother or if it's just an "open to dating other people" thing. I dunno...I hope that kind of helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:24pm
I swear, I'm female - but I still don't get our "gender".

Why do women honestly believe that a man likes, admires, respects, and appreciates them as a person - after 1-2 months of dating? Dating in the beginning is choreographed events that are designed to impress and please - so that the desire for each other remains at an all time high.

In that period of time - usually people want to have sex. Okay great, now we're all lubed up, and lobstered up, and danced out - and we want to "get it on".

Most intelligent and pro-active people know a few things based on the above scenario.

A) I don't know this person in terms of character or values or integrity and risking sleeping with them without an exclusivity agreement for physical intimacy is a risk in itself, but most people aren't going to "have sex" without some agreement that "I'm the only person you're playing hide the sausage with". Nobody WANTS HIV/AIDS/STD's and as a result - most people agree to 'dating/physical exclusivity".

But they do that EARLY in the alliance because of all the lubriation and impressing and sexual innuendo going on. Why would anybody think that someone who's known you less than about a year, who's primary interaction with you is in structured scenarios geared to impress and please....would respect, admire, accept and appreciate you as a PERSON...vs. "as a source of emotional warm fuzzies due to attraction, and fun, and shared conversations and interest."

So to me, women that hear "exclusivity" in dating and begin to believe that man already HAS formed an emotional bond regarding you due to his admiration and respect of you as an individual, or that he's intending to do that once "exclusivity" is agreed to - they're just unrealistic and egotistical.

Nobody's agreeing to compromise thier needs, communicate at all times, consider your needs at all times and appropriately meet them....by saying "let's be dating exclusively so that we can have sex without overmuch risk" (once presentation of clean bill of health has been taken care of).

And any woman that goes out with a man for about two months (I don't care if it's every day and night) and then believes that she's formed an emotional bond based on how great a person he is) - she's delusional and immature. I mean if that same man tomorrow said I"ve decided we're not a good match - is she STILL going to admire and respect him as a person, appropriately interact with him after a period of self-redefinition? I don't think so - she's going to turn on him like a missile seeking a heat source and he's going to be a target like nobody's business for her wrath and indignation.

If your respect and admiration is based on thier interaction or alliance with you in a 'futuristically oriented category" - there is no respect and admiration for THEM period - tehre's a woman who wants a future more succesful and optioned than she thinks she can get on her own, and so she's latched onto him....whtaever his character, he's better than "her being single".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:19pm
Just as a response to this comment: "And any woman that goes out with a man for about two months (I don't care if it's every day and night) and then believes that she's formed an emotional bond based on how great a person he is) - she's delusional and immature."

What I meant in my post may have been read wrong. I was trying to get the point across that I didn't think she was holding back sex until she felt a "solid emotional bond". I meant that it seems like, esp since he's just coming out of something, she wanted to wait until SHE felt ready and comfortable. That's all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:17pm
sounds like you're on your P's and Q's and thats good that you are.i personally dont see nothing wrong with you dating him as long as his x was not a friend of yours or noone you companied.but he and you both need to give it time to see whats really going on with him emotionally before you get serious.